Photo is a screenshot from this video Donald Trump was restrained and held in contempt of court today for a plethora of behavioral problems. To begin with, he shouted out the following derogatory insults and unfounded accusations at the various witnesses testifying against him: “ugly,” “fugly,” “looks like a dog,” “horse face,” “vermin,” “rat,” “nasty period lady,” “evil Trump hater who is clearly on the rag right now,” “I’m going to kill Mark Meadows if he rats on me,” and “I’ll choke out Rudy Giuliani if he rats on me like I choked out those Secret Service drivers who wouldn’t ..read more

God is reportedly pissed that Republicans keep saying He’s against abortion, and just released the following statement to prove otherwise: “Stop putting words in my mouth! I am not anti-abortion! Anywhere from 25–50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and many women don’t even realize they ever got pregnant before it naturally ends, so why do conservatives think I’m so adamant women should not have control over their own bodies and reproductive rights? In general, I can’t say that death and murder bother Me much. Have you ever seen a nature documentary? There’s nothing that gets Me going more ..read more

Photo by Gabriel Lamza on Unsplash In a frank interview with God this morning, the Creator admitted that humans aren’t, biologically speaking, anything special. “I don’t know how humans ever came to the conclusion that they are My favorite species,” said God. “I mean, Medamn, there are only 7 billion of you idiots. You know how many ants there are on Earth? How many amoebas? Hell, there are more germs inside one of you morons than all of humanity put together. And you know about tardigrades? Those little guys are the s***. Did you know tardigrades can live in the vacuum of oute ..read more

Photo by Diana Vargas on Unsplash A major sex scandal featuring a gay sex tape is rocking the Church of Leviticus of televangelist Dan Whittington, who originally claimed the tape was fake, but, after its authenticity was confirmed, he claimed he had been tricked into a gay affair by the “Gay Mafia.” “Folks, you know me, I’m the biggest follower of Jesus there is,” Whittington said in a video he released soon after the tape was publicized. “I know that the tape sounds bad and icky, but I’ll be 100% honest with you all: it has been released totally out of context. You see, I’ve been blackmailed ..read more

Photo by Becca Tapert on Unsplash This is probably due to these ongoing GOP legislative efforts: The creation of a new “DMV” called the Department of Menstrual Vaginas to oversee the rationing of feminine care products, where women must go each month, take a numbered ticket, and wait in long lines before receiving the five tampons OR five pads rationed to them each month by very surly, fundamentalist Christian employees. All girls and women in America must modify their period schedules so that, from now on, they all start bleeding on the 15th of each month so it’s easier for po ..read more

Photo by Art Institute of Chicago on Unsplash Ghost activity in Washington D.C. is increasing unexpectedly, and Republican Congressional staffers are reporting an uptick in the number of encounters with the ghosts of former presidents, particularly the first Republican president, Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln comes by in the evenings and screams at Republican members of Congress working late for ruining his party, and he explains to them how he’d 100% be a Democrat today if he were still alive because, if Republicans did the slightest bit of research into the GOP’s 1860s par ..read more

Photo (cropped) by Colin Lloyd on Unsplash 8:30am — Wake up to the sound of a screaming newborn baby, and say quick morning prayers to the three S’s: Satan, Stalin, and Soros. 8:31am — Put on a scary Halloween mask to terrify the baby, and gets its adrenaline level up. Then perform a post-birth abortion on that baby while listening to NPR’s Morning News Edition. 8:33am — Begin draining the sweet, youthful, adrenochrome-filled blood into a hollowed out dildo. Using a quill and some of the baby’s blood, write down a reminder on a post-it note to donate to NPR and get their free tote bag. 8:40am ..read more

Photo by Ariel on Unsplash Joe Biden just trolled Donald Trump at the end of his press conference this afternoon by awarding himself a golf trophy three times as big as the trophy Donald Trump awarded himself. Eric Trump has chained himself to Trump Tower and appears to erroneously believe the state of New York is going to tear it down. The Biden Administration just announced it will be awarding Donald Trump the Presidential Medal of Freedom for his “spectacular accomplishments in the sport of golf.” Donald Trump says it’s “crossing a red line” if Letitia James forces him to se ..read more

Photo by Florian Wehde on Unsplash New York City officials are reportedly worried the impending seizure of Trump Tower will kick off a week-long party inundating the city with public drunkenness and celebrations for Trump’s long-awaited financial karmic reckoning. Donald Trump is reportedly asking guests at Mar-a-Lago, “What did I ever do that makes banks think I’m a credit risk?” Liquor stores across New York City are reporting record sales this week as NY residents are stocking up on alcohol to celebrate Donald Trump’s coming loss of Trump Tower, which may happen as soon as n ..read more

Cropped cover art from the album Deeper Well Kacey Musgraves new album Deeper Well is very worth a listen as soon as you get a moment to put it on. The album is an introspective reaction to divorce, and Musgraves’s personal is universal. The musical aesthetic is visualized on the album’s cover art, featuring Musgraves staring into your soul in a field of green before a forest holding a red flower she’s offering to you with her hair blowing in the wind. Her facial expression has a Mona Lisa quality, and its asymmetry will keep the neurologists arguing whether the smile is genuine. The album tit ..read more