Official White House photo by Tia Dufour | via Flickr.com Public Domain CC 1.0 President Donald Trump is reportedly looking into the tax benefits and business strategies of becoming a televangelist. According to advisers close to Trump, he spent most of last week calling several televangelists for advice on how to set up a mega church of his own. A Trump staffer requesting anonymity secretly recorded Trump’s end of the call for a portion of a talk with Joel Osteen. The following is a transcript of the recording: “…So you’re telling me there’s no taxes on churches? Wow… So I can tell the state ..read more

Official White House photo by Shealah Craighead | via Flickr.com Public Domain CC 1.0 Donald Trump has reportedly filed lawsuits against each of his grandchildren for leaking details of his personal life to teachers, classmates, and sports coaches. As soon as they started making babbling sounds as infants, Trump reportedly put a pen in their tiny hands and forced them to sign all-inclusive nondisclosure agreements. He also reportedly gave them each $5 in hush money at the time of signing, which some legal analysts suspect is fraudulently low for the strictness and length of the agreement. The ..read more

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash Donald Trump today made several unsubstantiated claims about Joe Biden’s 2024 presidential platform: “Joe Biden hates same-race marriages even more than he hates God! All the suburban white women out there who are thinking about flipping to the Democrats better understand that Joe Biden does not respect you or your husband like I do. Especially if your husband is a white. Or one of the Christians. Suburban women need to watch out. Biden hates you. Biden will make you divorce your husband, and force you to marry someone else. Someone very diffe ..read more

Photo by Natilyn Photography on Unsplash “I think democracy has been fun while it lasted, but I’m just so dissatisfied there’s a consistent majority of people who disagree with me,” said Ray Yaeger, 27. “I was looking up some history the other day, and I was surprised to find out that Republicans lost the popular vote in 1992, 1996, 2000, 2008, 2012, 2016, and 2020. Thank God the Supreme Court intervened in Florida in 2000, and the Electoral College gave the presidency to Trump in 2016, but I’m not liking this trend! Democracy just isn’t as fun when America votes again ..read more

Official White House photo (cropped) by Joyce N. Boghosian | via Flickr.com Public Domain CC 1.0 Donald Trump’s lawyers reportedly put sedatives in his first Diet Coke of the day to stop him from having outbursts during the trial proceedings. Donald Trump’s NY judge says he can no longer wear makeup during the trial because several jurors have complained about it being distracting. Despite complaining to his judge that his trial means he won’t be able to attend Barron’s graduation, Donald Trump still has an active golf reservation at his Bedminster course that day. Melania Trump has reportedl ..read more

Photo (cropped) by Dalton Caraway on Unsplash Donald Trump’s biggest MAGA fans are increasingly refusing to assimilate into America’s culture of tolerance and diversity, and are choosing instead to keep to their insularly extremist customs of ethno-nationalist radicalism. “I don’t want to say ‘these people,’ but I can’t help but notice that Trump supporters are not sharing our values,” explained Mark Trail, 49. “They yell at minorities in grocery stores and on the street, their number of hate crimes are on the rise, they’re stockpiling arms to prepare for another potential civil war, and they ..read more

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash After a morning of protesting at the local Planned Parenthood, several St. Louis Evangelical demonstrators took a break from screaming obscenities at young women getting medical checkups in order to go to the mall and scream obscenities at the apathetic employees of the West County Mall’s H&M clothing store for selling polyester clothing. “A lot of other Evangelicals don’t realize this,” explained protest organizer Sally Shelderson, 43, a resident of St. Charles, “but the Bible specifically forbids mixing fibers in your clothes in Leviticus 19 ..read more

Photo by Norbu GYACHUNG on Unsplash Republican House candidate Spencer Donovan from Alabama has run a campaign spreading such virulently homophobic public statements that Alabamians across the state agree that underneath his facade of Christian values he must be homosexual himself. “There’s just no way this guy isn’t gay,” explained local Republican voter George Hawkins, 41. “I’m gay myself, and I can tell he shows all the signs of being a repressed gay. This Donovan fellow has compared homosexuality to bestiality, he has endorsed federal subsidies for pray-away-the-gay camps fo ..read more

Photo by Nadezhda Moryak via Pexels White supremacist and anti-Semite Ron Gordonnal, the man behind the nonprofit organization “White Semen Doomsday,” has reportedly reached a milestone in collecting the group’s 3,000th mason jar of backup semen intended to be stockpiled in a snowy Alaskan vault built underground and preserved in case white people ever become, in the words of Gordonal, “an endangered race.” “We have to keep pure, white breeds pure and white,” Gordonnal said on his YouTube streaming show. “If America ever starts getting a little too brown, we can transfer deposits from my colle ..read more

Photo is a screenshot from this video Donald Trump was restrained and held in contempt of court today for a plethora of behavioral problems. To begin with, he shouted out the following derogatory insults and unfounded accusations at the various witnesses testifying against him: “ugly,” “fugly,” “looks like a dog,” “horse face,” “vermin,” “rat,” “nasty period lady,” “evil Trump hater who is clearly on the rag right now,” “I’m going to kill Mark Meadows if he rats on me,” and “I’ll choke out Rudy Giuliani if he rats on me like I choked out those Secret Service drivers who wouldn’t ..read more