<rant> Listen, I get it. You don’t like kids. You don’t love them noising up your restaurants or your airplanes or your public spaces in general. You didn’t choose them, so why should they affect your life so loudly? I completely understand. The thing is, I’m not wild about snarky adults with their deliberate eye rolls, exasperated sighs, and inflated internet opinions, but holy shit, for some reason society allows YOU in public. The difference between you and my daughter is that she is a small human child who doesn’t know how to behave yet. I am trying to teach her to be courteous an ..read more

Photo by Jeniffer Araújo on Unsplash Today was just a regular day.  As far as days go, it was as good as they come. And still, it was hard. The toddler was the same toddler that I always adore. The chores were the same chores that I always abhor. The friends were attentive and the husband was lovely. And still, all of it was hard. I am beholden to this life that I love from the moment my eyes open, sandy with too little sleep, to the moment they pretend to close to settle the toddler bed and every subconscious fear and fantasy in between. And again. And again. Most days that warms my h ..read more

“Pink is only for girls, momma,” my 2yo said confidently while talking about her day. My face flushed with frustration. WHO WOULD TEACH A TODDLER THAT COLOR HAS GENDER?! I quickly took a breath and assured her that she was mistaken and that all colors are for all people if they want them to be. I actively try to let my daughter make decisions herself about clothes and toys while shopping and while I consider myself to be pretty progressive, I’m also guilty of leaning toward ‘pretty pink’ when I’m shopping for her and that made me wonder how we got here and how can we stop the narrative and ..read more

I’m so bored. Like existentially bored. It happens every now and then and generally doesn’t have anything to do with my happiness or quality of life. In fact, come to think of it, it usually happens when everything in my life just fine, if not pretty good. Every time I feel this way I take on a new project. Last time I started an MBA. The time before that got a puppy when my daughter was only 1yo. It’s like a temporary lapse in sanity, in order to help me *feel* something– I’m looking for some purpose. *Now, this is when my mother would tell me that I need Jesus. She’s worried about my soul, b ..read more

I usually fall in line with the ‘Break the Rules’ parenting (especially when falling down a mommyblog rabbit hole while I should be folding laundry) but the longer I do it, the more I realize that rules are bullshit.  Most recently it was a ‘How Not to Raise a Daughter’ list that ruffled my feathers.  Maybe it’s because I’m an older first-time mom, maybe it’s because I’ve become quite the little conformist, maybe it’s just because I’m crotchity, but I don’t want these dumb rules for my kid.  I hope that when my daughter picks her path in this life she isn’t swayed by arbitratily ..read more

 Every time I feel this way I take on a new project. Last time I started an MBA. The time before that got a puppy when my daughter was an infant. It’s like a temporary lapse in sanity, in order to help me *feel* something. GIVE ME PURPOSE OR GIVE ME DEATH! *Now, this is when my mother would tell me that I need Jesus. She’s worried about my soul, but I think my soul is okay right now. (Sorry, mom) So what do you do when you don’t feel like you have a purpose? Me? I start searching for it EVERYWHERE  Exhibit A:  A small sampling of unfinished projects started while in search of ..read more

Depression is dark and dirty. It’s really hard to see through when you’re in it and even harder to remember when you’re not. It’s irrational and careless and really fucking scary. It makes you believe that life is futile. It makes you believe things are hopeless. It makes you believe that you’re not worthy. You are surrounded by people just like you who may be smiling and laughing in your presence but sobbing in the bathroom when you walk away. Be the light. Don’t be ashamed. Don’t be too proud to ask for help. Find a light ..read more

I stood at the kitchen sink sobbing at 2am.   I hate going to bed with a dirty kitchen and my kid just fell asleep. Nothing was accomplished today.  I folded clothes and washed dishes and kept my daughter out of my husband’s hair while he was working but I didn’t DO anything.  I felt like a bad mom on a number of occasions.  I cringed when I passed any mirror.  I checked emails and made lists, I tried but I didn’t do anything. I know we’re all in the same boat but it feels really lonely to feel so helpless. My job feels like it’s putting out fires.  Bailing w ..read more

Boy, I wish I knew then, what I know now. I became a mom serendipitously. It was an accident, but that’s not fair to any of us. I didn’t accidentally become a better person over the last four years; I cried and doubted and failed, I laughed and persevered and succeeded. I became a better person because I *made* a better person. She dared me to be better as so many people in my life have done. I’m so grateful and such a jerk. Being a mom is so hard and it’s so easy. How can a thing that almost killed you make you fully alive? How can you be so completely unqualified and still fashion a ..read more

I don’t read self-help books. I find them pedantic and patronizing. Same goes for memoirs, generally. I like literary fiction; short stories, if I must. I think it’s important for my brain to hurt a little trying to wrap my head around a story or concept. I want to spend extra time learning big words and rereading passages that didn’t make sense, or maybe made too much sense. During this quarantine though I’ve read two memoirs and two self-help books and not one novel I spent the last four years in a fog of postpartum depression and anxiety. I got married, bought a house, had a baby ..read more