It’s just a letter. It’s just a letter I need to write Just a letter, written in fading light Just so you know, a means to an end But not a letter I’ll need to send. Just a letter because I need to rest Just a letter to say I tried my best Trying so hard to find a way to stay But I can’t be here just to be your yesterday. Lend me your your eyes so I can see With borrowed eyes, what you’ll miss in me. Just a letter written in pain Just a letter, an attempt to explain Just a letter that’s left behind. I’m really sorry, but it’s just a letter you’ll have to find. Now for the very few of my family ..read more

Christmas (and yes, Christmas not “the holidays”) that traditional time of joy, peace and goodwill to all men (and Ladies of course). It’s a time of bright lights and decorations, a Christmas tree in the window and hopefully a sense of wonderment. It’s a time of gifts and cards, best wishes and greetings. Hopefully it’s still, at least in part, a religious festival and not just one big commercial exercise, it’s also that dreadful time where people see how much food they can buy, that they cannot possibly eat before it goes off, and then it gets thrown in the bin. The shops are only shut for on ..read more

So what was today like? It was great, a real joy, absolutely frickin brilliant. Yes of course I’m lying, today was just another day with Depression. Dark, overwhelming and soul stealing. Most of it spent lying on my bed with the curtains closed with the Black Dog sitting outside my bedroom door (Black Dog? Google it). Yes I know you’re out there you miserable black bas**rd, I can hear you breathing, waiting. You’re always there, with your overwhelming darkness, omni present. Ironically I do actually own a real black dog, but she has nothing to do with my illness, she also is always there, alwa ..read more

I’ve had this conversation a few times, and it’s about what you read on the internet about depression. It seems (to me) you’ve got two choices, there’s websites from professional sources i.e. health organisations etc and you’ve got websites, blogs etc from people who actually suffer from depression. The two can be remarkably different at times, the professional websites are there for a very good reason, and are a valuable resource. I would never suggest that people shouldn’t visit these sites, they should (1st). They can be (hopefully) another part in your road to recovery, along with your doc ..read more

Sometimes I wonder when I’ll get better, will I get better? What will “better” feel like, is better just being not as bad as you are now? I can’t remember what “Normal” is, or feels like. My “Normal” is darkness, loneliness, pain, desperate to get away. What will my new normal be like? I don’t know what it was like before, that’s gone now, so how will I recognise it? Sometimes I can’t really take in what people are saying, I’m ok for 10 minutes or so, then they start to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher in Peanuts, blah blah blah blah. I don’t mean to be rude but I have to ask them to stop ta ..read more

I think sometimes we forget (or don’t notice) that this dreadful thing that is Depression badly affects other people too, and I don’t mean other sufferers, I mean families and friends. These are the people that have to watch how Depression affects a loved one, a family member or a friend. These people are the “collateral damage” of Depression. They suffer too, in different ways but still painful. They do their best, for no reward usually because the person with Depression quite often doesn’t realise, or notice, how much people care and how much they hurt. The particular emotions that would nor ..read more

I struggle with my diet, I do, and it bothers me a lot. I don’t like being fat, I don’t like the look of it and I don’t like the way it feels. It also makes me feel lazy and that makes me feel bad too (did I just “Fat Shame” myself?). Now before anyone gets the wrong idea, this is just a reflection on myself, nobody else, so stop typing. As difficult as I find it (slight under statement to say the least) I have put myself on a low carb diet and despite the struggle I’ve lost 6 lbs so far but there’s plenty more to go, but at least I find a slight positive in it. Now I know what you’re thinking ..read more

And no, I’m most definitely not a Bob Dylan fan. This post won’t be too long (was that a sigh of relief?) but I was thinking about the changing attitudes to mental illness/mental health. As a school kid in the 70’s there didn’t seem to be much sympathy for anybody with mental health issues, they were “Loonies”, “Nutcases” and “Weirdo’s” and there was always that guy on the bus that no one wanted to sit next to, And that old lady down the road that ate children (in reality probably just a lonely old lady with too many cats). To my shame I have to admit that as kids we used to walk a couple of m ..read more

Actually I don’t work in an office, but I did go to work today. There’s nothing unusual in that you might be thinking, and no I guess not most people do it. There is one difference though, I suffer from a severe clinical depression, and most fellow sufferers will recognise how painfully difficult it is to get yourself up and do a day’s work. Some sufferers can’t do even one day’s work in months, or even years, that all enveloping darkness won’t let go of them and they don’t have whatever it is we need to beat it, not even for just one day. But we’re all different, some people are very high fun ..read more

Today wasn’t a good day, actually I’m not sure I would recognise one anymore, I spent most of the morning and all of the afternoon lying on my bed in the dark and finally got up at 5.00 in the afternoon. There are worse days when I can’t get up until 8.30 at night, but thankfully they aren’t that often. My counsellor once asked me what I do when I’m lying there, the answer is quite simple, nothing. No, nothing really, I lie down in the dark and for whatever reason I cover my eyes with my hand, and I stay there. I don’t really think about much, I don’t talk, eat or drink and hardly move. I stay ..read more