Today is the day. That ‘day’ that has been lurking in the back of my mind for weeks, causing knots in my stomach from apprehension. I steel my mind and prepare for the inevitable, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. The small patches of hair continuing to fall out daily have now turned into clumps, decidedly separating themselves from my person without my consent. I lean over the railing on my deck and comb through what remains. I collect the hair and discard the remnants in the trash. Choice or not, it’s time. My scalp hurts, my hair feels rough and brittle. It doesn’t even seem like ..read more

Last night was cathartic. I had been anticipating my second haircut for what seemed like weeks. It had been quite some time since I had a pixie cut. My long, curly hair had been my signature for 18 plus years and part of my self-worth. Of course I understand it’s not me as a whole, mind you, but I will admit to some vanity when it came to my hair. This haircut was daunting to say the least. My inner dialogue debated what I already knew as almost certain. I argued nonetheless, clinging to that small percentage of ‘what if’. Me: “Honestly, I haven’t lost much real hair so why do it”? Truth: “Lya ..read more

It’s my first day of chemo. I had slept fairly well and am waiting for Fleurette Grenier, one of my trusted Claremont friends, to collect me. She arrives with a couple of tater tots for breakfast as requested. I think I can get used to the ‘Princess’ status I’ve been asked to adopt. After an uneventful drive, we arrive at the hospital in a timely manner, I pass through the Covid screening blockade, and head for registration. My first stop is to the access room to have an IV placed and labs drawn. They place an IV in my left arm and draw labs for my baseline levels. The labs that have been orde ..read more

I’m still extremely high from the news earlier in the day. I can barely contain myself and my patients are curious at my excitement, given my perma-grin. Comments such as, “Are you so happy because it’s Friday” and “Why are you all smiles today” are sprinkled throughout my visits. My patients know nothing about what is going on and as my day progresses, I continue to have difficulties keeping myself in check. I somehow manage to make it through my patient visits, unfocused, but for completely different reasons than the previous day. No other tumors! The words echo in my mind. The proverbial bo ..read more

I slept fairly well again last night and I’m a little surprised. As I wake, the reality of the day ahead begins to set in. Sometimes I have feelings that are harder to shake, and this morning is no exception. Lately, when I'm asked what I see in my future, it’s hard for me to find an answer. I’m unsure why I can’t picture it. Denial? Avoidance? Flight response? When alone and pressed with my own thoughts, I realized I couldn’t see anything. My future was an empty void. What I saw was darkness. Was this it? Was this all the universe had planned for me? My kids! Was I not meant to have a future ..read more

“Have fun on your tour of the DH facilities! I hear that the tour is an interactive experience. Just don’t touch the tour guides too much, or they’ll complain to HR.” I’m reading Jenn Larsen’s text as I wake in the morning. I ready myself for the day. The gravity of my situation is all too present in my waking mind, but I’m trying to keep it light. It’s been difficult to keep everything in the box this time. The past three days have truly tested my resolve. Talk of “metastasis”, “extensive lymphovascular invasion”, “moderately aggressive growth” seem to lift off the page of the pathology repor ..read more

5/12, the day that made me realize the gravity of my situation. I’m driving my daily grind when I receive a call from the hospital. I’m under the assumption that its only concern will be answering my medication question: ‘since I’m waiting a month to have surgery, should I restart the Tamoxifen?’ Originally it was used as a deterrent for the cancer cells, so it makes sense to start back up again, right? I pull over. I have time between patients, and the cell service is good. No pleasantries. “Did you find out about the Tamoxifen?” I ask. Her response was like the glass of iced water my mother ..read more

It’s Friday afternoon, April 3. I’m working from home which is my new reality these days... homeschooling, remote learning, and virtual homecare. Getting patients to complete their exercise programs while on the telephone is a uniquely challenging experience. This is time consuming, and I’m realizing just how much I preferred to do my job with my eyes. While I’m fumbling to explain knee bends and leg kicks to an uncooperative patient, I receive a call from my doctor. The hospitals have started to do day surgery procedures, he tells me. He could do a lumpectomy to remove the tumor and then comp ..read more

An update to all my family and friends: First, you all ROCK! Thank you for the positivity, the smiles, and the laughter you have sent in the form of cards, calls, IM, texts... It’s been hard getting to all of it! If I have not responded yet it’s not because I haven’t wanted to! It’s been a much needed distraction from homeschooling three boys, while trying to settle into remote work life. Welcome to Corona-cation! In the midst of all this excitement, I spoke with my doctor this week and, given everything that’s going on in the world, the surgery has been postponed. After a discussion, we agree ..read more

Time to meet the care team. I’ve got appointments with the cancer nurse, oncology surgeon, radiologist, social worker, and plastic surgeon. At the same time, the hospital is dealing with its first case of coronavirus. No problem, I’ll just make sure I wash my hands. Who can worry about a pandemic at a time like this! My good friend is with me to navigate this overwhelming and somewhat scary process. I was ready to go at it alone because that’s what I do. Our first stop is to meet the breast cancer nurse. We immediately hit it off. She loves my attitude and chuckles at my unexpected perspective ..read more