TAKOMA PARK, MD – In a shocking turn of events, parents found themselves reaching deep into their wallets and emptying their bank accounts at the Takoma Park Children’s Business Fair, all thanks to the cunning exploitation of tip screens by their entrepreneurial offspring. “It’s easy to avoid tipping some lazy barista making my daily low fat oat milk frappuccino with whip cream and chocolate syrup,” said local resident Karen Miller.” But when it’s a cute 8-year-old making you a snow cone, I feel guilted into giving a 1,000% tip to reward their entrepreneurial spirit.” The tip screens, once a ..read more

TAKOMA PARK, MD – NIMBYism has reached new heights in the city as longtime residents are up in arms over the construction of a newly poured concrete slab for being “too tall” for the neighborhood. “It’s a skyscraper!” exclaimed Barry Bungalow, a self-proclaimed height expert. “This slab is way too high for our tastes and casts dangerous shadows on native weeds and insects that inhabit the construction site.” The controversy began when photos of the slab, intended to support the new city library, were posted on Takoma Park’s official social media accounts and quickly incited a neighborhood reb ..read more

TAKOMA PARK, MD – The Takoma Park city council has announced that they will be shelving their ambitious plan to draft a Gaza Peace Resolution in favor of devoting their full attention to a far more pressing issue: the escalating Instagram restaurant “war” between Takoma Beverage Company and The Girl and the Vine. The Instagram restaurant “war,” which began innocently enough with friendly banter over new menu items, has escalated into a full-blown social media showdown, with each side upping their snark to the level of Wendy’s Twitter account. “We believe ending this charcuterie-driven hostili ..read more

Photo Credit: AstroGraphix_Visuals on Pixabay TAKOMA PARK, MD – Proposed as yet another last-minute delay tactic, a group of anti-change residents have issued a formal demand for the postponement of the upcoming solar eclipse until multiple shadow studies can be conducted. “We cannot, in good conscience, proceed with this solar eclipse until we have a full understanding of its shadowy implications,” said Mildred Moonshine, President of Ultraviolet Community Vision for Takoma (UCVT). “We must protect the safety and well-being of Takoma Park residents from all things that block the sun – excludi ..read more

TAKOMA PARK,MD – Upon hearing news of the National Park Service’s plans to kill Stumpy, DC’s favorite ugly cherry blossom tree, city officials gathered in an emergency session to approve a new law declaring Takoma Park a “Rescue Tree Sanctuary City,” and will replant the famous tree within the city limits for its own protection. “Here in Takoma Park, we oppose ‘death with dignity’ for all forms of life, and therefore have made it illegal to euthanize any tree, even if it’s about to die and fall on a house at any moment” said the mayor. “Once here in the quiet suburbs, far from the noisy city ..read more

Between April 1 and April 7, shoppers in Maryland will pay 12% sales tax – double the state’s 6% tax rate – on eligible purchases, with the money going directly to former Montgomery County Public Schools Superintendent Monifa McKnight to pay for her $1.3 million separation agreement. “We should have just fired her for cause and not owed her any money, but knowing our reputation for completely screwing up the most basic issues, we figured it would be easier to cave in now and save us from a lengthy, drawn-out court battle,” read a statement from current members of the MCPS Board of Education ..read more

Five years ago, we published a very immature and poorly written satirical article poking fun at the petty grievances of Takoma Park, Maryland. We never would have thought that five years later we’d get invited to travel around the country to mock the petty grievances of an entire nation. It’s been a busy and scary time for everyone: political division, COVID, insurrections, lack of free parking, etc. We’re just happy we can provide some comic relief when the world feels unjust. Through it all, The Takoma Torch has managed to grow each year. We thought we’d run out of jokes by now, but, fortun ..read more

My name is Eric Saul, and I am the creator of the Takoma Torch. Unfortunately, this is not a satirical article. Instead, this a disturbing true story that I never would have believed was possible: the Montgomery County State’s Attorney has criminally charged me for a satirical tweet. Here’s how it happened: Photo by KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA: https://www.pexels.com/photo/brown-wooden-gavel-on-brown-wooden-table-6077326/ At 1:00 a.m. on the morning of February 21, my wife and I woke up to the sound of loud banging. We were terrified. We went downstairs half-dressed and were alarmed to see flashing ligh ..read more

SILVER SPRING, MD – After a surprisingly successful The Wire Season 6: Montgomery County Planning Board, David Simon and George Pelecanos dropped another huge sequel with the release of Season 7: The Montgomery County Public School Board of Education. “This county will never let me just retire in peace,” said Pelecanos holding a half-empty bottle of bourbon in his Silver Spring home. “The corruption and drama never seems to end around here!” The first half of Season 7 will focus on the events leading up to the resignation of School Superintendent Monifa McKnight amid concerns over how the dis ..read more

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Triggered by a female pop star’s powerful left-leaning political influence and her support of the Kansas City Chiefs in the upcoming Super Bowl, a coalition of conservative men have declared their unwavering support for the city of San Francisco to prove how anti-progressive they are. “In these tumultuous times when a 34-year-old successful woman is threatening us with rainbows and Chief’s apparel, what better way to reassert our traditional values than being on the side of San Francisco?” said Guy Mann, a conservative influencer who has dubbed this weekend’s game “the Su ..read more