Today, on my birthday, I enter this new year with gratitude and thankfulness. I am so happy to be alive! I am currently home, recovering from a recent, emergency surgery. As a result, I have had no choice but to rest as my body heals. Being still can be very difficult and constraining, however, it is a necessary part of getting better--so here I sit, making the most of this time. In order to rest, you must be able to trust that things will be handled and that you will be taken care of. Thankfully, Hassan takes our marital vows seriously and has risen to the challenge of serving and carin ..read more

I was feeling a bit out of sorts and then I remembered that the anniversary of my deceased, youngest daughter’s birthday Kelyn was coming up. She was a twin so I can’t help but to think about her as I prepare to celebrate my living child Keren’s birthday. It doesn’t help that I randomly found a necklace with Kelyn’s name on it, today. Sometimes, grief hits hard especially when it is triggered. No matter what—I’m determined to process it.  So what did I do? As I cried, I headed over to see if my counselor had any available online appointments. Because I know that this is a fragile time fo ..read more

Oftentimes, pictures trigger my grief. As I experience what I’ve come to coin as “happy-sad” moments, some memories bring smiles/laughter AND sadness. However, most recently, I have experienced profound grief when I have parted with things like furniture. Now, don’t judge me just yet. Let me explain. I had a few pieces of furniture that dated back to 19 years ago, when Hassan and I were newlyweds. Some were purchased when Amira was born over 16 years ago. And now that I have had a total of four children, two miscarriages, and two losses, things like furniture were constants in my life even as ..read more

I can’t believe it’s been over a year and a half since I posted a blog. I don’t think I intentionally did this but in reflection, I didn’t make blogging my focus. Don’t get me wrong, life has happened and grief, as it always does, ebbs and flows much like these oscillating waves I am watching today. My emotions have vacillated between joy and anguish and laughter and pain. Then there are times when I feel good and know that everything will be ok. If you have experienced any loss, I’m sure you can relate. As my family and I have sought respite at the beach, I was reminded to blog.&nb ..read more

40 days ago, I had an idea to write a lesson a day about some things I've learned in my 40 years, here on earth. As I have spent time in reflection, I am grateful for all my seasons because I am a better person for having LIVED! I hope you will find some wisdom in the following list. ​I look forward to many more years!  Here's to 40! Never take your day for granted. Make it count. Changing your routine can bring joy.  Hold on to your dreams and don't let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do. Having faith and keeping the faith are two different things. One requires intent ..read more

As we enter the fall season, it’s important to maintain a spirit of gratitude and thankfulness. For many, this season can be very difficult—shorter days, fallen leaves, and changing temperatures. This is certainly the case for my family and I. In the midst of birthday celebrations, are also times of grief and loss. (If you are in a similar boat, hugs to you.) See, this change of season has often marked an internal one for me too; one that isn't so welcoming. One day last week, I decided to do something I had never done before--decorate for the fall. Yup! This is novel for us as we traditiona ..read more

​Recently, I had a very healing conversation with a relative where our broken relationship due to familial strife and discord was mended by the grace of God. She called to share her own experience with grief. I think her vulnerability was what melted the barriers I had erected around my heart for anyone who has or will hurt me. We ended up reminiscing towards the end of the conversation; she told me about how I was such a pretty little girl. We laughed at tales of how tender-headed I was and she revealed that I would only let her do my hair. While I didn’t remember that part, our talk jogged ..read more

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds.” James‬ ‭1:2‬ ‭ESV‬‬ I am participating in an online bible study via blog and we are studying the book of James. In my response to the leader’s thought-provoking questions and discussion, I stated that, “I am stuck right there—trying to ‘count it all joy’ as I grieve.” You know what—that’s the truth. Many people have given me props because of the perceived strength that I have having gone through not one loss, but two...no wait—there were some miscarriages in there too...one too many losses to count. The notion of strengt ..read more

I shared with a friend yesterday that sometimes my grief seems unimportant because of all that we are experiencing right now—a global pandemic, social outcry and unrest, etc. She reminded me that we needed to make space to grieve our own losses. I know this is essential and yet the reminder was like a salve for my soul. I needed to unplug and thankfully, moving gave me a small break. I even spent time working on my plants with another friend. They had become too cramped. They needed room to grow and to be pruned. Thankfully, my friend is deft at gardening and came prepared to save my plants—s ..read more

"As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.” Forgiveness is an f-word that most of us certainly don’t want to hear. However, after reading such a quote, it propels you to self-reflect and think about forgiveness or the lack there of and its costs. This year, as challenging it is, I have endeavored to leave unforgiveness behind. Don’t get me wrong, I have forgiven many people but there have been situations that have really challenged this resolve, especially as it relates to the past ..read more