Of course it got worse. It's a downwards spiral, right? Cue the final curtain call. A manic manic day. A family intervention. It's all out in the open now. They don't trust me to trust myself. I can't blame them at all. I don't trust myself either. Ironically I've only drank 4 days this month battling through sober days quietly alone. Easier than fessing up, how hard its been. It didn't really work. Day 8 TODAY. Dr's again on Monday, addiction specialist on Tuesday. Kind messages float in via social media, telling me to hold on and battle the stormy clouds. I LOVE MY FAMILY. I'm so ..read more

Day 3 comes to the slowest close of my days, or so it feels.  Good to have a bit of melodrama eh? Booze likes that. Tonight I phoned a friend about nothing really, but she's a blether and whilst she nattered about nattery things, the cravings came and went.  I hung on to the phone, cleaned the kitchen, did some gardening, whilst phone tucked under my ear, hung on my chin. Literally hanging on the telephone ..read more

I found one after the longest time of denial, tantrums, secrecy and hideous depression. Hard knocks, family crisis, new jobs, and general life stuff.  I found a day one.  I'm trying not to scare it today, as whilst I woke fresh faced and hopeful, Day 2 is hanging on by a whisker.  Like a hand gliding hamster.  I hope my trusty Dangermouse sidekick turns up soon to steer this wobbly ill thought out sober vehicle, I really want to keep in it. Time to keep busy ..read more

I do remember writing about shark infested custard before. Sometimes I think that's what early sober feels like. I'm really selling it to you, yes? I feel bludgeoned by society to drink, its like dodging through the shallows looking for where the next attack might be. Media, music, activities, events, birthdays, christenings, holidays, visitors, catching up, home warming presents. Even going in for a pint of milk offers several hundred bottles of booze dangling there in front of you at 10 am. Its truly mind boggling how you learn to avoid things, dodge and duck, sometimes I've discovered its ..read more

I've always found it remarkable when managing to be sober how utterly fabulous Sundays are. I don't know especially why they are any different to any other sober day. But, even with the history of daily drinking, sober Sundays seem the best day to me. They have their own vibe. Maybe its that its another week cracked, or just surviving the ritual of drinking on Saturdays which seem to be more acceptable (than drinking everyday, I mean everyone drinks at the weekend don't they its just NORMAL). So when a lot of the world has a hangover, perhaps their only one of the week, if they only drink on ..read more

I'm here and I'm living and I'm trying. I'm so grateful to be here today. For not losing myself into the oblivion it would be so easy to seek. Sometimes they say, it can take a cataclysmic event to stop drinking even for a day or so. I've had lately, so many shares of my day 1's after days of attempting day 1's for sometimes what seems an eternity. Sometimes its something horrific we do or say that shocks us into the shame that sometimes it takes to stand back and actually stop. Whilst I've had my fair share of these, its amazing what wears off after a day or two and 'just the one' se ..read more

Hey there, I hope you're good. I can't thank you enough for the comments that pop into the inbox. It really goes a long way. When of course I open my sober emails, which I'm trying to do everyday now and not shy away from them. Its been a long time since I got this far, I'm normally 3 days - 7 days and then something freaks me out/gets too much and I head straight back to day 1. I'm trying to fathom out why but for now I'm happy at day 19. Tomorrow is day 20. My partner is away and I've invited a doesn't drink chum around for the day, possibly for the night we'll see. I'm liking my own space ..read more

I've being doing Belle's mantra of 'don't try harder, do something different' and its made me very ponderish. I think trust is my biggest issue. Trust. Five small letter. Which amount to, I don't deserve this. I don't deserve these folks being nice, I don't deserve anything. Tell no one. Trust no one. Or maybe trust some folks. Like Belle and you sober lovely lot, I'm listening to her new book. She's asked me to write a list of some things as an exercise. Day 1 what to expect when you're newly sober {subtext here for me is that even though you've had about a gazzilions of times, try some ..read more

There you are. And, here I am. For the thoughtful words and messages which have laid quietly on the whole until I was ready to venture into sober land again. I thank you all. I really do. Sober community, even if you switch it to 'gentle snooze' for a while is as always consistent and epic reliable and wonderously cosy. Thank you and I really mean that. Here's where I'm at. I've had about 15 drinking days in the last year. Most of them in the past few months when I worked beyond crazy full time. Never insane, but nevertheless, I couldn't cut it totally sober.  I've told sober friends ..read more

I know I'm bad a month with no posts. Bad Daisy. I hope you're well? Hope you enjoy the holidays. If I'm totally honest I hate this time of year. Dark nights miserable weather. I'm very grinch like. My children, largely due to logistics and bad ex husband geography spend the larger holidays at their fathers with their extensive family and siblings. And, despite the logic here and skype and everything it sucks rocks. As we lead upto it I try to be jolly and brave, we have fake Xmas and hugs. It still sucks. It's life. They fill their time with adventures as it should be. I know I'm lucky to ..read more