Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com Since my last post about Mum and her failing heart we have had the Echo results and the review with the consultant. Her Echo showed her heart is working at a quarter of its function at best, sometimes less. The day before the appointment Mum had one of her worst days, breathless at rest. We went to the appointment with the wheelchair whereas the month before she had walked in to the Department. I was expecting the consultant to confirm the inevitable. He sat in silence looking at the notes for a long time then began to ask questions. ”how are you managing at ho ..read more

Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva on Pexels.com I was floating along in such a happy space when I last wrote it’s not surprising something burst my bubble. More specifically my mum did. We had a birthday tea for C with mum and J, my youngest. Lots of banter and fun, then J mentioned a story granny had told her – the time C had taken her to a hospital appointment because I’d ’been drunk in bed in the afternoon’. This appointment was several years ago when I wasn’t self employed. I remember not going but not the exact reasons. My sister was here so went with her, and I think that I was at work and it ..read more

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com Since my last post I’ve been busy living. Lots of work, some weekends away and I threw caution to the wind and bought a new horse! He’s an ex racer who’s had his basic retraining, and is very sweet natured. Hilariously he’s called Puff. Part of my thinking around getting him was that I would give up smoking ’puff’ in order to free up time especially given my mum’s health and needs. I’ve had him a couple of weeks now and have felt happier in myself than I have for a long time – probably since I retired my last horse in 2017. Looking back I think that was a catalys ..read more

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com When I hear the song Memories by Barbara Striesand I think of my mum. This week I’ve been reliving my horse memories, as we’ve made the sad decision to retire the little horse. Too many issues with uncertain outcomes. I read of the horrors in Ukraine, the losses so many are having to bear and I know how lucky I am to be me right now. I’m not having a pity party, but I am allowing myself to be sad. I can’t remember the last time I rode her as I didn’t know it was the last time – we hoped she would recover with her time off. I think of mother’s not knowin ..read more

Photo by Dom J on Pexels.com Last Saturday my mum realised she’s going to die – soon. We don’t know how soon but soon enough we think. It’s a strange space to be in, this one of anticipatory grief and loss. The knowledge blows around you – sometimes gently reminding you to really appreciate a moment; others catching you with a strong gust causing you to lose emotional balance. It makes everything intense. I have an urge to write. I realised as I started to write this diary of the end and what’s coming, my mind was swirling with memories. So I’ll start the end mixed up with the beginning – my e ..read more

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com My mum has not been too good lately. She has had heart failure for many years, caused by excess alcohol damaging her heart muscle. Since Christmas she has been increasingly short of breath and sometimes breathless at rest. She’s cancelled things, talked about viruses, needing to shake it off and the like. I’ve gently suggested it might be her heart – often to be met with dramatic statements such as ’You may as well shoot me now then!’ Her doctor has done bloods and we are waiting an Echocardiogram and review by the specialist. I persuaded my brother ..read more

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com It’s been 7 months since I last wrote here. I have hardly been reading sobriety blogs either. I’m not sure I completely understand why but perhaps it will come to me as I write now. I hope you are all ok in your worlds and finding your way forward on your paths. Here’s what’s been going on with me. After the visit to my dad I started smoking weed again. The niggling pesky uncomfortable feelings were too much when I knew just what would make them go away. However I also decided to get some therapy. “Physician heal thyself” being a familiar refrain in my ..read more

Photo by freestocks.org on Pexels.com I went to visit my dad this weekend. I’ve only seen him once in the last 2 years. There’s been an underlying tension between my step mum and siblings in the 40 plus years they’ve been together but I’ve managed to be peripheral to that as I managed to get on with her and could see she makes my dad happy. I’m also close to my step sister so had stronger ties. I was my Dad’s favourite as a small child; a status that caused me issues with my sibs as they picked on me somewhat. I was the only one of the 5 of us who saw out my teen years there before leaving for ..read more

Photo by Tatiana on Pexels.com Last weekend I went to an introduction to Equine Assisted Therapy. Given my love of horses and mental health background it’s something I’ve thought of doing for a long time. It didn’t disappoint. It’s a growing field with an increasing evidence base for lots of human problems, including addiction. There were 4 of us on the training and we did exercises with the horses in the same way a client would. The idea is that horses being emotionally attuned animals who live in the present and seek connection, reflect back our inner states thereby helping us make sense of ..read more

Our back yard It’s Saturday evening here and I’m making dinner with C in the kitchen, listening to sweet soul music looking at the flowers, birds and waterfall in our beautiful back yard that C created. I’m still not smoking cannabis and I have noticed a shift in my attitude this week. I’d normally be stoned by now on a Saturday so writing wouldn’t be an option! I know I want to do this instead of toying with moderation. I’ve been reading blogs again, and downloaded a tracker app as that helped me with alcohol a lot. Ive watched the tennis and football when I can and got really absorbed – full ..read more