Not long after starting my blog, I relapsed. I knew I was going to relapse. It was more certain than if I’d seen it in a crystal ball or seen a wine glass in my tea leaves. I won’t go into too much detail behind my relapse, other than it involved a long lunch, an old friend who has cancer, and I couldn’t bring myself to say no. The situation offered up the perfect excuse to drink and I started drinking the day before in preparation. My evil twin shouted in my brain, Are you sure about this? Yes, nothing surer. What about your blog? Nobody reads it anyway and it’s anonymous. Well you go for i ..read more

This is my fifth post and despite sharing my most intimate secret about alcohol addiction, I haven’t shared much about me (see About Pattie on my blog for a skeleton version). This is a semi-condensed version of how I ended up here. I don’t want to bore people (if you happen to be reading this) and if I could write a haiku this would be even better. So here goes… To begin with, Pattie isn’t my real name. I assumed this alias from my maternal great grandmother. Nor have I shown you my face (horrors, not ready for that step) but I have shared a picture of my hands pretending to type on my old t ..read more

I liken a cup of tea and a glass of wine to their respective punctuation marks – the full stop and the comma. For me, a cup of tea is like a full stop. It denotes an ending, cessation, nothing more to add. I savour a cup of tea; refreshing at breakfast and comforting at night. Like the full stop, it is solid and reliable. On the other hand, a glass of wine is like a comma. It suggests more to come, on-going, never-ending… on and on. Opposite to the full stop, the comma is a run away train. I think of the semicolon (;) as the ‘moderator’. It is made up of a full stop and comma, acting in balan ..read more

I’m not usually a hypochondriac or overly worried about my health. Clearly not. I’ve self-administered a drug and ignored the recommended dose FOREVER. But since I gave up alcohol, 4 days ago, my body is rebelling. I’m beyond tired and sleeping during the day (which I never do because I’m too restless). I’m pale and haunted looking and genuinely shocked when I see my reflection in the Ipad, let alone my bathroom magnifying mirror. My tummy is particularly distended and I could seriously model a geriatric pregnancy. I also have a sore throat – cancer? A medical professional would most likely d ..read more

I look at the pictures above,  a 70’s colour scheme oranged with age. There I am in the garden of my family home standing with my brother in our dressing gowns and our haul. Early I bet, eager to pull Santa’s presents from our pantyhose stockings. A tradition from my grandmother and still used today with my own children.  And there I am again, an earlier photo next to the Christmas tree, holding a nib ink pen from Santa, tie dyed balloons, a pottle of violet ink. Cropped out of sight is my uncle holding my unraveled skipping rope, and my aunt and Nana with exhausted complexions ..read more

It seems like a fitting start to make reference to water. After all, my blog is called Pattie Comes Clean. This morning, I woke early knowing I would post my first blog – my declaration of quitting alcohol. What would I say or do to mark this occasion? I pictured myself standing at the beach, my feet waiting for the incoming waves to wash over them. A cleansing ritual, but that sounds over dramatic. I have been toying with the idea about starting a blog. I need an outlet, a mirror to reflect my feelings back at me about my addiction. I don’t want to bury it, as it is sooooo easy to do, as gro ..read more