My anxiety is off the charts. It likes to pounce at bedtime. I read myself into sleepiness, sometimes successfully managing to trick my brain into getting lost in a narrative of someone else’s making and not the racing thoughts carrying all this angst, worry and churning despair I seem to get so overwhelmed by. But then, as soon as I switch off the light, even when I genuinely believe I’m going to slip into blissful sleep, my heart starts racing and its pounding inside my ribcage gets me wide awake. Some things are new, but let’s start with what has remained the same: I’m still sober. I’m sti ..read more

Oh! Are there these prompt questions now when you open a blank draft page in WordPress? Where I’m sure it used to say “start writing your post here” or similar, there was now a question and it asked me “What would you change about yourself?”. Alrighty then. I don’t know. Nothing too drastic, I don’t think. I would change how I’m putting off getting myself into running again, maybe. Had an injury that manifested as a cramp in my calf but was actually an inflammation in my lower back, and my last run was in JANUARY. That’s nearly a year ago. Then, of course, we got Rangi and because he and I go ..read more

Bambino – good. Hubby – good. Doggy – good. Work – good. Friends – good. Because I’m sober. Actually, putting it like that might be a little misleading. I guess it could seem like sobriety is something I have to fight for, and these days – almost five years down the line – that’s not the case. However, my sobriety was hard won and any way you look at it, what my life looks like today is entirely because I am sober. It’s the reason I’m not six feet under. Plain and simple. So whilst I don’t struggle like I did in the beginning, I will never lose sight of what it took to get here. It took all I ..read more

Life seems to be rushing by at such a speed and with so much happening that I don’t even know where to begin. There used to be such consistency in my blogging, in how each post felt like a natural continuation of what I had last written. Over the past two or three years, it’s been much more sporadic and, sadly, less and less frequently that I come in here to pour out my thoughts. And so when I do feel the urge to write, to share, to ponder, I open the blank template and because it’s been a while I then feel I must somehow include everything that’s happened and it becomes a big task that I then ..read more

You know, I didn’t think anything could ever compare to sobriety when it comes to pinch-me moments. Sure, Bambino is the centre of my universe and there is nothing that makes me prouder than how I got to be his mother. But he was easy. No, no – hear me out. Giving birth was a clusterfuck and pain I never want to experience ever again, but in exchange for this tiny little human being who has grown to be a wonderful young man? No sweat. Bring it on a thousand times over and I’d still come winning out of the negotiation. To love Bambino is easy. When he arrived it was like the heavens opened and ..read more

“I know you’re anxious, but I also know you have no reason to be, because you always come through and you always do well“, Hubby said. Guess what? I feel embarrassed writing that, in the same way I’d feel embarrassed saying something that isn’t true. Which I don’t, and hell will freeze over before I start bullshitting here on Storm, the place where I air my dirtiest laundry without an ounce of shame. Actually, THAT is bullshit. I feel shame. Often and a lot. But it doesn’t make me say untrue things, is my point. Here on Storm it’s the whole truth and nothing but, no matter how much it makes me ..read more

Wow, so THAT was the dance we were engaged in all this time? I don’t know if I put this lightbulb down to one thing over another, I suspect it’s a combination of three: getting sober, the counselling studies and finally opening that boarded up space deep inside the darkest recesses of my soul and shining a light into it. Growing up as I did in Sweden, in the countryside with the deep forests as my playground, my imagination as a child was often set in motion via Scandinavian folklore. This is often set against the forest and the magical, mystical and sometimes treacherous beings who reside the ..read more

Hm… Back to that old tradition of putting my days sober as the title when I don’t have anything in particular to say. Really just popping in here because I for the longest time have kept thinking “I must post something on my blog soon!” and this time it really has been the LONGEST time since I last did. So much has happened! Well. I did write back in January, but looking at that it’d seem what preoccupied my mind was the Workshop of Doom and all the anxiety that went with that, as well as my thoughts around passing the FOUR YEAR SOBRIETY MILESTONE – sorry, it does need capitalising like that ..read more

Oh, look! I didn’t die again. Ain’t that nice? There’s a first for everything and so it would now seem that my cherry has been popped when it comes to giving a presentation in an actual room with Actual People. And it was fine. I’d even go as far as saying it went well. Certainly good enough. Partnerella delivered her part and I delivered mine. Street sparkling clean on both sides and that felt good. However. I will tell you this without a subscription fee or additional charge: I could not do the January I just had again. I think this was the first time I actually felt like I was breaking. If ..read more

I didn’t have the peace of mind to mark the day on the day itself (Sunday 23rd), but I can’t not at least say something. Truth is I’m really struggling. Not with sobriety, but with my anxiety. The moment is rushing towards me, when I have to do the thing I find scarier than anything else and stand up and speak in front of people, but there is nothing I can do about it and this too shall pass. But because I dread it so much the bottom of my stomach falls out each time I think of it, I’ve been making myself ill these past couple of weeks. It’s a workshop for the counselling course. Me and one ot ..read more