“I have no right to call myself one who knows. I was one who seeks, and I still am, but I no longer seek in the stars or in books; I’m beginning to hear the teachings of my blood pulsing within me. My story isn’t pleasant, it’s not sweet and harmonious like the invented stories; it tastes of folly and bewilderment, of madness and dream, like the life of all people who no longer want to lie to themselves.” ― Hermann Hesse I’ve been sitting on some inspired ruminations recently, largely due to one of Laura‘s recent posts ― namely the one where she ponders exploring drinking again, but more spe ..read more

4.1.20 | Day 1303 Musings + Reflections “I heard a preacher say recently that hope is a revolutionary patience; let me add that so is being a writer. Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up.” — Anne Lamott Yesterday Lara Frazier posted something about trauma, and how important it is as a survivor, to hold space for yourself. I commented: “Last week was… a black hole. It felt like the earth kept violently ripping itself out from under my feet, and I kept frantically t ..read more

First portion of post was originally written yesterday, August 14, 2019 (Day 1072) and can also be found in its entirety on my IG in *this* post. “There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me.” ― Jane Austen Hey, hi, howdy, hello –GREETINGS + SALUTATIONS– holy shit, I think I’m back? Hopefully I’m not jumping the gun w/ a sense of inadvertent, fleeting optimism, but it feels like the tide w/in me might be turning… or it could be the new supplements (L-Theanine & 5-HTP) my holistic ps ..read more

I’ve been into various forms of pop punk since ’01, and despite loving a lot of bands and having been to a lot of shows… there’s only been a select few that I can say I KNEW literally + definitively changed my life (and me as a person), from the first time I saw/heard them. Blink-182, Something Corporate, Brand New, Alk Trio, Taking Back Sunday, My Chemical Romance… and Waterparks. Other than Brand New + MCR, Waterparks have been the one I value the most because I didn’t find them in my formative years, I found them after my rebirth; once I had to start my life over after getting sober. Recove ..read more

“The absolute worst part of depression is that even though you know you’re depressed, you’re unable to stop yourself from getting worse. The other thing about depression is it kind of collapses time. Suddenly, you find your whole days blending together to create one endless and suffocating loop. So you find yourself trying to remember the things that made you happy. But slowly, your brain begins to erase every memory that ever brought you joy. And eventually, all you can think about is how life has always been this way. And will only continue to be this way.” (“Euphoria,” S01, E07) (pre)a ..read more

For Sehnsucht (Pt. 1) – See here. “Psychologists have worked to capture the essence of Sehnsucht by identifying its six core characteristics: ‘(a) utopian conceptions of ideal development; (b) sense of incompleteness and imperfection of life; (c) conjoint time focus on the past, present, and future; (d) ambivalent (bittersweet) emotions; (e) reflection and evaluation of one’s life; and (f) symbolic richness.’ Some researchers posit that Sehnsucht has a developmental function that involves life management. By imagining overarching and possibly unachievable goals, individuals may be able to cre ..read more

7.5.19 | Day 1032 Gratitude + Reflections “Music is, to me, proof of the existence of God. It is so extraordinarily full of magic, and in tough times of my life I can listen to music and it makes such a difference.” –Kurt Vonnegut A few nights ago marked my first Dead & Company concert. Like… I knew it was going to be something special, but couldn’t wrap my head around exactly *how* special it would end up being. Hubbins McBabydaddy, myself, our 11-year-old daughter, and a family friend all headed out to Dos Equis Pavilion, where we braved the pit section. Outdoors. In Texas. In July. T ..read more

This happened on my ribs yesterday. Can safely say this is my favoritist, most meaningful piece of ink I own, is also the most painful (healing-wise) I’ve gotten, and will not be my last Dead related tattoo.. Since getting off the booze + benzos and getting on the bus instead… y’all, I have no words because what the Dead have done for me, and so many others (and now I’m tearing up as I type)… I see, feel, hear and EXPERIENCE life in a much different, indescribably beautiful way. My husband (inadvertently) pulled me aboard the bus a little over a year and a half ago, and I’ll happily never be ..read more

“I believe with all my heart that just understanding the metapurpose of the anxious struggle helps to make it beautiful. Purposeful, creative, bold, rich, deep things are always beautiful.” ― Sarah Wilson Today is #WorldMentalHealthDay & I’m here to both proudly + publicly identify AND celebrate the fact that I’ve battled w/ depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation + many other things on/off for the past 18 yrs. As a direct result of unresolved mental issues, for 11 yrs, I subsequently succumbed to substance abuse; alcohol (and the occasional benzo or 2.. or however many I’d take, bc blacko ..read more

7.16.19 | Day 1043 Musings + Reflections TW There’s about ten billion Brené Brown quotes I could use in this spot typically designated/reserved for quotes I feel are an accurate summation, metaphor or analogy for whatever lengthy post proceeds it. However, this time, I feel this accompanying photo of an evening summer sunset outside my house does a sufficient job. Yesterday started out beautifully. The project I helped install had its big opening and all crises I’d been designated problem-solver on, were solved with exuberance; I woke up early, painted my face, wore bright jewelry + fun print ..read more