SEATTLE—As the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone, or CHAZ, captures the attention of a divided America, some members of the newly-formed utopia have set their sights on the world stage. Max Gladstone, a professional protestor and CHAZ resident, announced Friday that CHAZ intends to participate in the 2021 Tokyo Summer Olympics. According to Gladstone, their sights are firmly set on demonstration sports. “There’s no bigger stage than the Olympic Games,” Gladstone explained. “Demonstrations are what we do best. Not only is it a sport we can win, our participation alone will serve to amplify our messa ..read more

US—In a stroke of genius, Netflix deescalated rising tensions in America by removing all episodes of ‘Fuller House’ from its platform. Upon the announcement, police and protestors across the country dropped their weapons, removed barricades, and proceeded to celebrate together in the streets. According to Netflix CEO Reed Hastings, it was critical to find common ground. “If recent events have taught us anything, it’s that the ‘American experience’ is not the same for all Americans,” Hastings said. “But regardless of your color or background or political leanings, we can all agree that ‘Fuller ..read more

..read more

OTTAWA—Wednesday, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau lashed out at congressional Democrats for their decision to wear Kente cloth stoles to show solidarity with those of African heritage. According to the PM, the Democrats did not do enough in their attempt to connect with the people and the culture. “It was just sad,” Trudeau said in a press briefing. “I mean, wearing a stole over a suit? Where’s the commitment? Where’s the authenticity? So lazy and uninspiring. They butchered it.” When asked how he would’ve approached the situation, Trudeau went on for 15 minutes about the different clot ..read more

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—In a trial run of its ‘police-free future,’ Minneapolis City Council dispatched a local spirit healer to an active crime scene Monday. Dr. Sarah Colborn arrived at 143 Lewis Avenue at approximately 8:43 pm Monday to resolve an armed robbery in progress. The perpetrator, whose name was not released by Colborne due to doctor-patient confidentiality, was quickly subdued through a variety of spiritual healing techniques. “I could tell he was in deep pain,” Colborne said. “The first step was to deescalate the confrontation by creating a relaxed environment through the use of incense ..read more

SEATTLE, WA—On the heels of the World Health Organization’s revelation that the spread of coronavirus by people not showing symptoms “appears to be rare,” the Institute for Health Metrics & Evaluation [IHME] issued an explanation for its ever-changing forecasting model. In a late-Monday news briefing, an IHME official explained that the source of its unreliable projections, the ones used by the White House in making policy decisions, were produced by local CBS News 94 meteorologist Chet Harris. “Viruses are a lot like the weather,” IMHE official Dr. Sara Berkman said. “The situation is flu ..read more

Minneapolis—After Minneapolis City Council members declared their intention to disband the police department on Sunday, one local crime leader responded with a shocking declaration of his own. Jack Caputo, one of the city’s most notorious crime bosses, announced that he will step down and change careers if the council gets its way. According to Caputo, his decision comes down to one thing. “It’s about the challenge,” Caputo explained. “Without the police coming after me and my guys, making our lives difficult, always trying to break up our operation, the thrill is just gone. I mean, what’s the ..read more

US—Tropical Storm Cristobal weakened into a tropical depression Monday morning after battering Florida with heavy rains and high winds.  According to Cristobal, he lost momentum after getting a closer look at the condition of the cities in his path. “Your rioters got to the buildings, destroyed all the businesses,” a dejected Cristobal said. “This was my time, my opportunity to inflict real damage. It’s already been done. It’s frustrating.” The large storm is expected to hit Missouri by Tuesday before making its way to Illinois and Wisconsin. Cristobal, while clearly frustrated, remains c ..read more

Pictured: Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden with former candidates Amy Klobuchar, Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders walking arm-in-arm in protest of the May 2020 US Jobs Report ..read more

Pictured: Las Vegas casinos displaying empathetic notices explaining their reason for re-closing almost immediately after reopening from COVID-19 quarantines ..read more