So… I admit, I’ve never really been a social butterfly. I have an awkward/dry demeanour. I absolutely am truly difficult to be friends with. It’s not shyness, it’s sparse absences that form part of my condition. I can be listening but staring through you at the same time. This has always meant I have a small number of friends, of course since having a child it’s halved. Nether the less, I’m now feeling more alone. Whether that be parenthood or just not having my own persona anymore. I need people around me again, that I can count on, to help me excel, laugh with. But how do you start from the ..read more

I didn’t want children. No you haven’t misread that, yes I have a children and she’s truly the most incredible little people. That being said I never wanted to have a baby, I hadn’t always dreamed of a perfect family, I was always career driven and carefree. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change my life now for all the money in the world. But I have to be truthful with myself and express my emotions how I remember them. I grew up surrounded by children, my siblings all had babies young and they multiplied in large numbers rapidly. There were tantrums, tempers and tiffs everywhere I looked. I j ..read more

It’s officially happened. We have become subject to the lockdown baby boom. Number 2 is on the way and times are about the get a little bit crazier. After the heartache we have succumbed, it’s more than just good news to us, it is a blessing. Our little blessing. As exciting as this time should be, I am still waiting for that feeling. With my first, it was all brand new information and to honest I let myself get caught up in it so quickly. I hadn’t given loss a second thought, even with the message clear in my head – just wait 12 weeks. This time, it’s all I have thought about. With 12 weeks o ..read more

Deciding whether I should write about this subject deemed to be much harder than actually doing it. Once I started, the words kept flowing. The memory still fresh in my head, I couldn’t stop myself. As much as I want to share my story, to make it real, to accept the fact I can’t change the past, to help others. I still feel broken, fragile and hurt. It’s so raw in my mind, in my heart, everyday that passes brings another spiralling emotion into the mix. I want my words to mean something and resonate with others who have also felt the grief I feel inside. How do you determine what level of grie ..read more

Now we have one year old, we have been “discussing” parenting techniques. I’m paraphrasing discussing because like all new parents it’s not a real conversation without either one of us storming out the room or cracking open the wine just to get through it. We don’t agree entirely on how to deal with tantrums, outbursts or just the utter nonsense that she will undoubtedly spring on us. We also both have very different temperaments which means that good cop, bad cop will often be introduced in our household. Myself being easily wound and Ava’s dad calm and collected (most of the time), I think w ..read more

To my new body, I truly believe this is the hardest thing I’ve ever written, not just putting in to words how I feel but reading them back to myself and accepting them for all they are. I think subconsciously I know it’s accepting myself, my bodies imperfections and flaws that is daunting. Firstly, let’s take a moment to appreciate the women’s body for all its glory, what it can do and how it heals itself again is just incredible. We certainly don’t give enough credit to ourselves, of course we are taught all about reproduction and I’ve always been appreciative of women but until you physica ..read more

We all know it’s a difficult time and something that will go down in history. But in the midst of the chaos, the world has become kinder. Here is a reminder, so we can look back in years to come and show our children that in a brief moment of uncertainty, we were united. The rainbows you put in your window were turned into a game for little ones on their daily walk. The care packages made for elderly family members and neighbours were blissfully welcomed. Those teaching techniques you have continued to try and master for 7 weeks with hope but given up and the iPad has taken over. Clapping for ..read more

Ava, Being pregnant with you was, to put it bluntly terrible. I wasn’t good at it. I didn’t glow. I didn’t savour every second. It was miserable. And if I’m being completely honest with you, I didn’t feel like I loved you straight away. In the beginning I was constantly sick and tired. I still didn’t have a bump. I hadn’t felt you kick once. This went on for about four months. I couldn’t relate my sudden crappy symptoms to you. It felt as though I had a hangover. Every. Single. Day. As time went on, my body started to settle in to pregnancy, I felt human again. Enjoying each and every kick or ..read more

We all argue. We all disagree. Families, work colleagues, Sandra in co op down the road. It’s healthy to air your thoughts, express your emotions. But addressing the little things that make you tick, that’s what I believe to be to hardest part of all. When you argue with your loved ones, it hurts. Like hell. You’ll be sad, you’ll be angry, you’ll be completely and utterly tired of the bulls**t. Usually these disagreements stem from a much bigger problem, something bad has happened to get to this point. I find these to be easier to succumb because it is somebody’s fault it’s happened. When you ..read more

Ava, I want to tell you all about your daddy. By now, you’ll already know of his kind nature and infectious humour (he told me to write this). To add a little more emphasis on this for you, let’s go back to your childhood. Since the moment you entered this world, his heart grew double in size. I wasn’t there the first time he held you but he has told me how it felt for him and the love in that story is so prominent. Metaphorically speaking, a tree of love has grown and keeps growing. Every time you smile, every giggle lights up his eyes. Truly, you are something he never knew he needed before ..read more