Los Angeles, CA – After gradually wedging their way into the hearts and minds of healthcare professionals across the US and the world, Figs has been made DNR. The brand known for their form-fitting, over-priced, low-quality scrubs promoted by Instagram influencers/medical students has finally tripped over their own overpriced, designer shoes.  Prior to today, Figs had made a market for themselves by sending a free pair of their shitty scrubs to medical students, nurses, PA’s and other healthcare professionals in exchange for copious posts artificially inflating the quality and comfo ..read more

Salt Lake City, UT – After reports of a mysterious monolith appearing in the desert of southeastern Utah, followed by similar structures recently found in Romania and California, doctors at Salt Lake Regional medical center were surprised to encounter an identical monolith on one patient’s CT abdomen and pelvis. A middle-aged gentleman presenting with colicky flank pain was assumed to have kidney stones until his imaging came back with what appears to be a miniature, triangular monolith contained with the left renal pelvis. The density was consistent with a metallic object, much like the othe ..read more

A report by the Institute of Legal Education states that doctors are likely eligible for a Juris Doctorate degree after completing mandatory training for HIPAA and EMTALA compliance. According to Jay Braslow, president of the institute, “the content of these modules are incredibly comprehensive, and cover 90% of the curriculum taught at most US law schools.” Per Braslow, if hospitals were to add several modules on tort reform, litigation, and the Bill of Rights, physicians would indeed qualify for the JD degree. Bernard Markesh, a compliance scholar, added that “most hospital compliance train ..read more

FIGS is doing their best to dig out of the misogynistic, sexist, and DO bashing hole that they found themselves in after releasing an advertising video on their website.  The video portrayed a female osteopathic physician in pink scrubs holding a “Medical Terminology for Dummies” book upside down. Why would such a previously successful scrubs company owned and founded by two females run such a horrendous ad? GomerBlog discovered that an address corresponding to the FIGS headquarters had ordered “multiple” copies of the popular “Advertising for Dummies” book.  GomerBlog pressed FIGS ..read more

ALPHABET CITY, NY—With so many recommended vaccines—MMR, DTaP, IPV, Hib, PCV, RV etc—it can be challenging to remember all their names, let alone when to give them. That is, until now. That’s because there’s finally a universal vaccine that will displace all others, and everyone, including anti-vaxxers, can easily get behind. Called the ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ vaccine, it provides immunity against every known infectious disease, all in one shot. “It’s 2020,” said lead vaccine developer, Abby Ceez. “It’s completely unacceptable that humans were caught off guard by a viral pandemic without a ..read more

An area emergency room physician was stunned today when his patient, a 4 year old boy whose parents denied any medical history, was found to have a well-healed sternotomy scar on examination. “Imagine my surprise when I went to examine this previously healthy little boy and found a large scar at the thoracic midline, along with a 4/6 systolic murmur, a broviac, and a g-tube” said an exasperated Dr Nathan Subaraman, MD. When asked if the boy ever had surgery, his parents initially said no, but with further prompting they did recall “three or four” procedures related to the boy’s heart, or poss ..read more

New York, New York- In an exciting turn of events congress has recently passed bill 151, also known as “the ghost law”. After much heated deliberation with strong consideration from physicians from petitions, bill 151 was voted on unanimously! What is bill 151? Bill 151 or “the ghost law” allows physicians to terminate a patient in their practice at any time, without any warning and face no legal consequences from doing so. “Social media has really been embedded into our society” said Judd Dredge J.D., a legal representative who helped passed bill 151. “Medicine needs to get with the times an ..read more

SEATTLE, WA – Dr. Samuel Sheepman, a general practitioner at Wortley Medical Clinic, has created a new frequent flyer rewards program for chronic illness patients. “For example, say we have a patient with fibromyalgia. For their first visit, I’ll have a medical student or resident educate the patient on the reward card system: two clinic visits within a month-long period is a 30-point bonus with FastPass Rheumatology Referral”. Dr. Sheepman notes that this program is versatile and easily modified for a multitude of chronic ailments. “A diagnosis of irritable bowel syndrome immediately qualifi ..read more

BEAR, DE—In an admirable attempt to incentivize mask-wearing amongst America’s twentysomethings, who are thought to be driving the summer resurgence of Covid-19 due to a callous disregard for CDC recommendations, health officials have offered them a sweet deal: If they cover up their mouth and nose in public, they don’t have to cover up the rest of their bodies! Infectious diseases experts believe this may be the key to suppressing the SARS-CoV-2 virus once and for all. “We know masking is very effective,” said CDC Director Robert Redfield, “but many young people feel like their freedom is be ..read more

ATLANTA, GA—Frustrated that no one is listening to their Covid-19 recommendations, the Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC) announced today that it had no choice but to kick the American public out of its practice. Effective immediately, the CDC has terminated its 74-year relationship with U.S. citizens, citing irreconcilable differences. “Why should we continue to offer vital, evidence-based recommendations when they just fall on deaf ears?” asked CDC Director Robert Redfield, who added that the preeminent public health institute will soon be relocating to New Zealand, a countr ..read more