for many months, i've left two very difficult pieces of writing on this old blog. one post was titled "fuck my asian fetish."  the other post was an amends titled "fail." much ugly.  many mistakes.   after much thought, i've decided to draft those two posts and move on with hard lessons learned. since leaving atlas letters blog i began a new blog called feral transmutations: https://mountainmaps.blogspot.com/?view=flipcard feral transmutations has also wrapped up, but both space journals were my COVID survival strategy.   writing in space.  writing it out.&n ..read more

i got an amazing opportunity to write incarcerated youth (thank you george!)  my letter writing life is busted so this has been fucking great.  sadly i gotta submit letters thru an online portal.  not rad for beloved postal worker friends.  but this is great for youth locked down in lock down.  like double fucking lockdown.  i thought it would be fun to share these letters on my blog.   ..read more

(this blog has been offline during the uprising, thus giving no voice to BLACK LIVES MATTER.  it goes without saying i very much support BLACK LIVES MATTER.  any longtime reader of this blog understands this.  that said, i made grave mistakes concerning other race related issues i need to address before i can move on and do the work as a white writer to support BLACK LIVES MATTER).   august 2020.  it was recently brought to my attention my words offended.  my use of words.  my word choice.  explicit.  &n ..read more

i just got off the phone with my arctic collaborator. today my heart has been f u c k e d  u p.  she was being a supportive friend. she tried to make me laugh when she said "crazy asian women!" i said to my friend, who is asian, "i dunno, i think this is a case of crazy white trans guy with ish." when she called i was in the middle of watching an interview with debbie lum who made a documentary called SEEKING ASIAN FEMALE. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLJrbNm4jSQ earlier i was listening to an interview with various women talking about online dating related to race.  i a ..read more

derrida and foucault.  i used to drop derrida and foucault on an 11 year old waldorf kid in letters.  thinking about writing him today to let him know i am finally learning korean.  being that human that says what he does.  follows thru.  does what he says.   i've never been able to really write about his mother.  there is much to write.  there is a boundary. getting involved with a writer can be dangerous.  for whatever reason, i have rarely written about his mother.  i hold a boundary. who have i written about?  who have i not wri ..read more

my view every morning. so many books.   treasures.  trinkets. bones.  feathers.  bullet shells.  smuggled spring water.  lantern of light. today i go get my T shot.  might brave the co-op after.  my doc said she thinks i can shop there safely.  i miss the goddamn co-op.  miss alejandro saying "hola johnny, cómo estás?"  miss seeing cuties looking at lettuce.  miss humans. god i miss humans. miss hugs.  miss the hope of a cute human in real life.  i miss walking into the bulk section seeing an ass bent over & being ..read more

i woke up to a haiku from my arctic collaborator, christine nguyen. we are both thinking back to ísafjödur.  creating words and art from the adventure.  unlike most artist residencies, this one was about being there to create later.  all these years later we are arriving at collaboration. i think back to then.  to before the trip.  home in the cabin. five years ago.  getting ready with rae.  the two of us training me.  packing my pack.  chopping handle off toothbrush.  make it lighter. walking the watershed.  hobbling up the hills weig ..read more

today i woke up late with no cake.  COVID shut down my cake shop.  no more cake with my sunday coffee.  no longer german.  no more little man in lederhosen kaffee und kuchen ritual. social sunday.  arctic collaborator on the phone to catch up on our lives and project.  flora and fauna of volcanic ash.  arctic foxes and wild icelandic horses.  words and art about our time backpacking in the westfjords for the most epic artist residency one could wish for.   a musician buddy came over next.  we caught up under my carport.  this is where ..read more

i began reading words again.  a writer that does not read much.  i ceased reading print unable to see.   now i can see again with my cheap reading glasses.  there are light hairs growing on my hands.  i see them when i hold books. the subtle shifts of my body on T.   today i am exhuasted.  each day is different.  yesterday felt light and fun and hopeful.  i had energy.  three hikes and one bicycle ride.  mowed the lawn with the push mower. the funny dreams i have in life.  mowing a lawn with a push mower was one.  achieve ..read more

today i don't want to read the news.  as a white person this feels selfish.  it might be.   yesterday i read the news.  words that stuck out the most were DARKEST WINTER IN HUMAN HISTORY.   that guy got fired for his warning about what will come before christmas in 2020 america. last night i read about pine ridge reservation.  how the lakota have created check points to keep COVID off their reservation.  how their cases are low.  how the trump loving south dakota governor is going to sue the tribe and force them to remove the check points.   w ..read more