I’m currently on my work trip and will be gone for the next two days, so my anxiety is at an all-time high. Nico doesn’t do well typically when I’m gone, so I have to do a lot of prepping in the days leading up to my trips. This includes filling out the “mommy away, mommy here” chart so he knows exactly when I am gone and when I will return, leaving him voice memos with our daily affirmations so my sister-in-law can play them each morning, dropping notes in his lunchbox with those same affirmations and a countdown until I return, and prepping his teacher weeks and days in advance so she can b ..read more

Nico’s birthday was this week. It was the first birthday where he actually told me what he wanted to do for it. I have asked him how he wished to celebrate his birthday in years past, but he never quite made the connection to what I was asking. This year he finally did. He told me as clear as day: “I want a cake. I want to blow out the candles. I want to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ and go to the jumpy place.” My heart nearly exploded. I looked at him and I no longer saw a little boy. He’s so grown now. He’s gotten taller and has filled out—not sure how he has a tummy when he eats one thing, but tha ..read more

I spent Thanksgiving in Sedona, Arizona. It was one of the places from my childhood where I saw my parents the happiest. It felt like a magical place to me because of how happy they were. My parents were so in love with Sedona that my mom even said she would absolutely be retiring there and my dad agreed 100% that he would too. What I understood to be just a fun family vacation to the Grand Canyon, at the time, has turned out to be monumentally more than that for me all these years later. That family trip cemented for me that my parents did, in fact, truly love each other because they spoke a ..read more

I have always considered myself an optimistic person. I’m never overly optimistic though because I’m truly a realist. I understand that our expectations will not always match our reality, so I walk through life knowing that there will always be joy and sorrow, but they will never be equally doled out. In the last month and a half I have come to face the reality that life as I know it is inextricably changing and there is nothing I can do about it. Plus, it’s causing extra stress in areas that can’t take much more. I have been going through something unbelievably heartbreaking and yet my Type A ..read more

My Nico is so intuitive. He has always been able to empathize with others’ feelings. He isn’t always able to communicate his own feelings in the appropriate manner—apologizing for hurting himself when he should be focused on his pain, crying when he should be celebrating a milestone, or laughing when something sad has occurred—but he knows exactly what others are feeling even if they aren’t outwardly expressing their feelings. When I’ve been sad or sick, he is very affectionate and he uses his words to let me know he sees that I’m sick or unhappy. When I’m frustrated or overly stressed, he tr ..read more

I’ve been thinking a lot about caregiving recently. It’s something that I feel like I have been doing in one way or another for as long as I can remember, and it’s given me a great sense of purpose my whole life. In the simplest sense, I started early with caregiving. Growing up, I took great care of many things. My room was always in pristine order. My Barbies and dolls were dressed impeccably with perfectly coiffed hair. My knickknacks and mementos were always kept hidden away for safe keeping. I grew up with a clear understanding that when you took care of something it would last a long tim ..read more

I love taking Nico to the trampoline park. He finds so much joy in jumping. He always has. He got his first trampoline when he was 2 years old, shortly after his diagnosis, and he used that tramp every single day until he outgrew it. I learned early on in his autism diagnosis that he had sensory processing issues and was considered hyposensitive. He often sought out lots of sensory stimulation and jumping was one of the ways he satisfied this need. Jumping has always been instrumental in regulating his “stimming” which is what happens when he is not receiving enough sensory stimulation. When h ..read more

Today is the anniversary of my Mom’s passing. June 27. It pops up every year and for a few brief moments I am catapulted back to that tragic day where I lost my Mom and felt her indelible imprint all at once. My mother was perfectly imperfect. She had a heart of gold, a fierce temper, a gorgeous smile, a wicked sense of humor, and a love that could move mountains. Anyone who knew her loved her. She said it like it was and was unapologetically authentic. She was my life compass. I learned so much from her in the short time I had her in my life. 17 years and 9 months to be exact. I didn’t realiz ..read more

I’m sitting on a plane heading to Indianapolis for a family graduation and my boys are sound asleep. Could it be because we woke up at 530am, or possibly because I slipped a little dose of melatonin in their juice…can’t be sure (tongue and cheek moment), but I am calm for the first time since I woke up this morning. Traveling with children, in general, is pretty overwhelming, but when you have a precocious toddler and one with autism the stress levels increase dramatically. I was always so worried to fly with Nico. Wasn’t sure how he’d do in unfamiliar environments, or if they would allow all ..read more

Mother. Mom. Mommy. Mama. I’ve been called them all in these last 10 years and each time I hear my sons utter “my name” I mentally pinch myself because I still can’t believe I’m actually their mother. I didn’t grow up thinking about being a mom. I didn’t think about how many kids I would have or pretend to be the “mom” when playing with my dolls in my room. I liked knowing I was the child and my Mom was raising me. I just always saw myself as my Mother’s daughter. I marveled at my Mom. She was larger than life to me and I wanted to spend every second with her. She made me feel so loved, so be ..read more