Because I can no longer write an “I Believe” statement and cannot espouse the “hard facts” out of “The Case for Christ”, I am seeking out reading material that speaks to what I can believe in, the unseen mysticism that touches our everyday existence. Sometimes, I find a book on the “New Alchemy of Science and Spirit” on my ex husband’s bookshelf; other times, I’ll purchase a title on my Kindle app and spend a night immersed in the “Healing Secrets of the Native Americans.” Other times, a book will find me, and just such an event happened last week. “Brida” by Paulo Coelho was originally publis ..read more

I thought that playing Amy Grant’s “That’s What Love Is For” on my portable stereo loudly enough outside of their closed door might stop the yelling.  Maybe they would hear the lyrics and pause, reconsider the battle they were waging around us.  If we were playing outside and I could hear fighting coming from inside the house, I’d raise my volume, creating a distraction for my brothers—and the neighbors—so that we could all pretend we had a happy home. I’d leave my body when I was told to get out of the car and follow my mom on the sides of highways, in parking lots of shopping cente ..read more

I clung to my faith when my children were in NICUs, and blasted worship music as if their life outcomes depended on how passionately I sang along. I listened to “Oceans” by Hillsong on repeat when I separated from my first husband, and sought refuge in every church within a 30 mile radius. Throughout every difficult season, from divorce to death, I have turned to my faith of origin as a source of strength and hope. A place to find a purpose in the pain, I suppose.  But now I find myself in an unfamiliar place, one where my suffering and the Lord’s great mercy do not meet. I no longer iden ..read more

I have some exciting news to share here and that is we (as in me, my current husband, and my ex husband) are going to be on the Tamron Hall Show this coming Tuesday at 10am EST! This unexpected and exciting LIVE tv appearance (via Skype) is centered around, you guessed it, our “modern coparenting” approach and unconventional lifestyle decisions. I am equal parts nervous and excited to share our story and discuss the facets of our family dynamic, but I keep coming back to the one major truth I rest in. Show up authentically, for better or for worse, and it will resonate with who it needs to.&nb ..read more

Both of my children inherited my sandy colored hair, my blue eyes. My daughter’s skin tone is more like her father’s, slightly tan in the dusk of winter. My son’s coloring is also like his father’s, more olive complexioned and he tans easily. I grew up in the ocean and have raised my son to know and love summer days spent with your toes in the surf. I plan to raise my daughter with the same exposure to the sea and hopefully, the same love for it. I am reminded of the calm and story nature of the waves when I look deep into my children’s eyes ..read more

Most of my  health struggles aren’t visible to the naked eye, because my faultiest organs reside on the inside. Namely, my pancreas and stomach. But recent events have brought my symptoms to the forefront, and I am currently in the middle of testing that will provide the gastroenterologists with the information they need—a reason for my vomiting blood, elevated autoimmune bloodwork, exhaustion, physical pain, and inability to eat that has hallmarked the past few weeks. It’s hard to explain the mental struggle that accompanies the manifestation of these physical symptoms, the desire to do ..read more

“I’m dying,” my grandfather confidently told me this morning. We were seated at his kitchen table in the small house he shares with my grandmother, his wife of almost 70 years. My parents, children, and I had arrived at their house early in the morning, while my grandfather still lie in bed. I went into his bedroom to wake him up and saw a corpse in place of where my grandfather should’ve been. Still holding my 18 month old daughter, I gently placed a hand on his left chest and was relieved to feel my hand rise and fall. “Poppee, wake up,” I gently prodded and after a minute, he opened his eye ..read more

I was ecstatic when the pregnancy test showed a “+” in June 2017, a light at the end of a nine month tunnel. Though we hadn’t been actively trying to have a baby, we were open to its possibility and for me, that meant every month became a waiting game. For those nine months, I would dread my clockwork-like period, hope leaping in my soul if a day or two passed beyond when I’d expected it. I’d take pregnancy tests, hopeful that my “-” was a mistake and the right result would turn up in a day or two. And something always did turn up in a day or two–my period. So, this positive pregnancy test in ..read more

The first night that I had to leave you was the hardest. I fought it as best as I could, arguing that I had not recovered enough from the C-section to manage at home.           Just one more night. My plan failed; insurance laws are strict and no one wants to pay for a new mother to spend an extra night sleeping three floors above her infant in the NICU. The one positive was that I didn’t have to leave my hospital room until the end of the day, which made it easier to spend time with you, cusping your fragile body into my chest for a few minute ..read more

How old was I when I learned what “bisexual” meant? How old was I when I learned that I was bisexual? I certainly didn’t learn the term in my church or Christian school, around the dinner table or on a school bus. I had to be in college before I first heard the word and even then, the word didn’t hold meaning for me until I hit my 20’s. It was then when I realized that all of the thoughts and feelings I had been stuffing down for my entire life actually happened to, like, thousands of other people. In fact, most of these other people lived lives like mine, meaning they were in heterosexual rel ..read more