Remember when you were younger and you just went out and did some stuff and then came back again. And then went out again and did some more stuff before coming home and then the next day you went back out and did some stuff again. Oh, those were the days, weren’t they…? * Today, I am saying my official farewell to ex-president, Donald J. Trump. It’s just time. Time I made my farewell to the great hulking snake-tongued shyster over the pond. He has popped up in this coronavirus blog like a Whack-A-Mole that just won’t stay whacked. Donald J. Trump, Robin to COVID-19’s Batman, the willin ..read more

  Remember when this blog didn’t exist and your lives felt futile and empty without its bitter satire and biting social commentary? Yeah, those were the days, eh? I think that before I end this blog, I should perhaps revisit the various touchstones that have been a recurring feature. Namely: the Daily Mail Online, David Icke, Donald Trump, our government (done last week) blah blah blah I have, during ‘research’ for this blog, completely fucked up my internet search history and possibly appeared as a small blip on GCHQ. I make no apology for being an armchair anarchist, a liberal, freedom ..read more

  Call me nostalgic but do you remember when the streets were paved with gold and magical unicorns shat Bitcoins into your hands when you gave their balls a squeeze? Ah, those were the days… This week, in true teacher mode, I have decided to give the members of the government their annual school report after their first year in Reception Class  cabinet. Who is sharing the toys? Who sulks and throws tantrums? Who cries for their mommy until they wet themselves? Only one way to find out…. * Priti Patel – D- Priti has struggled in her first year here at Blighty Primary School. She ha ..read more

  Friday, 5thFebruary 2021 Remember when you moved in a crowd, the roar at a match, the singalong at a gig, the crush of a bar on a Friday night at last orders, the warmth of others...? Nah, me neither. * So many of you have been asking me* how we, as a family unit, are getting on in Lockdown 3 – Revenge of the Mutating Virus that I thought it would be good to give you an insight into life chez nous. [* Utter bullshit: nobody is asking me. I think writing that influencer blog post has infected my brain and I am now doomed to think and write as if I have a large audience of foll ..read more

Remember when you had things to do? Anyway, I thought I would share this with you: Instagram influencer, Shanelle Kerrigan’s latest messages to her followers following on from Priti Patel’s hate-splash in the House of Commons re what is essential travel ie. Not going to the Middle East to hang out in a bikini. * So super necessary! It's super Tuesday! Hey guys, love to all the Kerrifam out there. So good to hear from you all. We gotta stay connected to get through this, girlz and boys. ? So many of you have been asking me about the bikini I was wearing yesterday by the infinity pool. I guess ..read more

  Thursday, 7th January, 2021 Remember when you couldn’t go out unless you were wearing hi-vis spandex for your daily hit of exercise and that time when you could only get in your car for ‘essential travel’ to the supermarket to load up your boot with ‘survivor gin’? And that time when your kids were at home being ‘home-schooled’ – that was fun wasn’t it? Oh, and that time when you had to do yoga at home with your son’s drill music invading the newly opened calm space in your head that you had just worked so hard to create? Yeah, remember that? Phew! Thank goodness that was last year wh ..read more

  Thursday 29th October 2020 Remember when winter was tempered by the promise of Christmas shopping and mulled cider inside a Nordic tent in Brighton’s lanes, and a quick shag in the toilets at your Xmas do with that colleague who just looks more and more attractive with every Jagermeister you shovel down your dry old turkey neck? Ah, those were the days… * But fear not, fun-lovers. Let me enliven your day with a quiz. If you have been consuming the news with all the relish of a vegan downing a cup of warm goat’s blood then this is for you. Make sure you check the end results to see whic ..read more

  Saturday, 17th October 2020 Remember when you thought the world was run by grown-ups? Yeah, me too. * To be honest, I feel like such an idiot. These last seven months I have been letting coronavirus dominate my life. I have been avoiding groups of people, not hugging my parents, going everywhere with a mask, washing the fuck out of my hands and worrying that people I know and love, and even people I know and only like a bit, might die. What. An. Idiot. All those parties I’ve missed. All that soap I’ve used. Like a fool. Thank goodness Donald Trump Jr., that wise old owl, gave us his s ..read more

Monday, October 5th 2020 Do you remember when I wrote this blog and you read it? Well, I’m baaaaack, baby! Like a venereal disease you just can’t rid yourself of; like a boyband who keep reforming for one last ‘Pay-the-Taxman’ tour; like a Facebook friend from school; like a fox shitting in your garden every night – you just can’t keep me away! I had to stop the blog back at the end of June because I suddenly and unexpectedly found myself in full-time employment again. Mustn’t grumble, I suppose, in today’s economic climate but I soon put paid to it by handing in my notice and going from ful ..read more

Saturday, 20th June 2020 This blog post is a meditation on water and amphibians and The Wind in the Willows. It may or may not make any sense. I Is it just me, or does Boris Johnson increasingly resemble the character of Mr Toad from The Wind in the Willows. To confirm my prejudices in this regard (because I only like to have them confirmed – usually by myself – and not dismantled), I found the 1984 stop-motion animation series on YouTube, produced for Thames TV, and randomly chose an episode to watch. This was television from a gentler time, without the garishness and noise and hectic cutti ..read more