Torn Wires
106 FOLLOWERS
A comedy website that publishes satire and entertainment content.
Torn Wires
1w ago
WASHINGTON, DC - The Trump administration announced this morning that they are withdrawing Trump's recent nominee, Bryan Whitmore, from consideration for Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) due to the discovery that Whitmore has several decades of experience as an infectious disease expert ..read more
Torn Wires
1w ago
SPRINGFIELD, IL — In what local neighbors are calling an unprecedented feat of patience and perseverance, local resident Kevin Thompson, 34, reportedly assembled an entire IKEA bookshelf without uttering a single curse word. Eyewitnesses claim he maintained his composure throughout the three-hour ordeal, leaving some neighbors deeply unsettled.
“I ..read more
Torn Wires
1w ago
The National Security Agency (NSA), the US government agency famously committed to protecting Americans by spying on them, has issued an urgent plea:“Please, for the love of national dignity, stop picking your nose while using your computer.”
“Picking your nose is disgusting,” NSA Director Timothy ..read more
Torn Wires
1w ago
Not only is the firing squad more humane, it’s also a return to proud American traditions. When we live in such an individualistic society, there’s something refreshingly intimate about a group of dedicated marksmen coming together to complete a task by hand. No computers, no bureaucratic ..read more
Torn Wires
2w ago
WASHINGTON, DC - After a tumultuous meeting between Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky and President Donald Trump, Trump stated during his congressional address that having a “nice steak dinner” could lead to the brokering of a peace deal with Russia.
Trump, who claimed to have "brokered the best ..read more
Torn Wires
3w ago
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Washington Post has announced that its opinion section will now exclusively feature articles about Jeff Bezos’ sculpted, glistening washboard abs. The move, described as “the natural evolution of modern journalism,” comes after years of thinly veiled efforts to subtly praise the billionaire& ..read more
Torn Wires
3w ago
Look, I get it. Climate change is a looming existential threat, the planet is warming, and we’re all supposed to do something about it. But hear me out: What if we just... didn’t?
I mean, ignoring problems has worked for me in the past. My student ..read more
Torn Wires
1M ago
HEAVEN - In a rare celestial address, God Almighty reportedly expressed deep frustration with President Donald Trump, lamenting that his continued invocation of divine support is causing a “serious branding issue” for the kingdom of heaven.
“Look, I’m omnipotent and all that, but even I ..read more
Torn Wires
1M ago
Washington, DC - As a follow up to President Trump’s recent executive order forcing federal employees to work in person five days a week, Trump has issued another executive order mandating that all federal employees that are still working remotely be forcibly abducted from their homes and returned ..read more
Torn Wires
1M ago
WASHINGTON, DC - President Trump signed an executive order Monday morning demanding the Department of Education "institute segregation within the next 90 days."
Leaked memos reveal that the Department of Education is wasting no time in following orders, with reports surfacing of brand-new "blacks ..read more