Man Emerges from Basement After Year-Long TV Binge, Shocked to Discover Netflix Originals Don’t Count as Job Experience
Torn Wires
by Kyle Denning
1M ago
After an arduous year-long expedition through the depths of his mother’s basement, local man Tim Jefferson has bravely resurfaced, armed with an encyclopedic knowledge of every Netflix original series and a severe vitamin D deficiency. Eager to reintegrate into society, Jefferson made the daring decision to apply for a job, only to be met with the crushing realization that his newfound expertise in fictional universes does not translate to marketable job skills. “I just don’t get it,” Jefferson lamented, shielding his eyes from the cruel and unusual brightness of the sun. “I’ve spent the last ..read more
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Local HOA Unanimously Decides to Ban Happiness, Fun Still Permitted on Alternate Thursdays
Torn Wires
by Kyle Denning
1M ago
The homeowners association (HOA) of Pleasantville Estates has decided to ban happiness within the community, citing “excessive noise, unsightly displays of joy, and general disruption of the monotonous peace we’ve worked so hard to establish.” The association’s president, Barbara Tightlips, held a press conference in front of her immaculately groomed lawn, stating, “We’ve noticed an uptick in happiness and frivolity within the community, and we simply cannot have that. People are laughing too loudly, smiling too widely, and quite frankly, it’s creating an environment that is far too pleasant ..read more
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Big Oil Accidentally Discovers New Ocean While Drilling, Promises Not to Spill This Time
Torn Wires
by Kyle Denning
1M ago
Big Oil has made a groundbreaking discovery—an entirely new ocean located several miles beneath the Earth’s crust. The discovery was made during a routine drilling operation, in which the company was searching for yet another reservoir of oil to exploit. But instead of striking black gold, they struck blue. “We were just as surprised as anyone,” said a spokesperson for Big Oil, sporting a suit made entirely of hundred-dollar bills. “We were drilling away, minding our own business when suddenly water started gushing out of the hole. At first, we were disappointed, but then we realized that we h ..read more
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Government Announces New 5G Tower to be Built Inside Local Conspiracy Theorist’s Backyard
Torn Wires
by Wes Cooper
1M ago
The government has announced plans to construct a brand new 5G tower. The tower is set to be erected right in the backyard of renowned conspiracy theorist, Bob Smith, known for his vocal opposition to… well, practically everything. Bob Smith, the self-proclaimed “truth seeker,” has been on a mission to unveil the “real story” behind 5G technology, insisting that it’s all part of a grand scheme to control our minds and spy on our every move. “They’re trying to fry our brains and watch us 24/7,” Smith has been quoted as saying in between puffs of his “chemtrail-free” cigarettes. But the governme ..read more
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Reddit Moderator Confesses: ‘I Can’t Ban Users Fast Enough to Outrun My Insecurities’
Torn Wires
by Kyle Denning
1M ago
Reddit moderator Jason Brinkley has admitted that he simply cannot keep up with the relentless pace of banning users in a desperate attempt to outpace his crippling insecurities. “It’s just so hard, you know?” said Brinkley, wiping away a tear as he reached for his seventh Red Bull of the morning. “I’ve banned over 3,000 users this week alone, but no matter how fast I click that ‘Ban User’ button, my feelings of inadequacy just keep coming back.” Brinkley, who moderates 17 different subreddits, has taken it upon himself to rid the platform of anyone who dares to disagree with him, post somethi ..read more
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Conspiracy Theorist Discovers All His Theories Are Government Plots to Make Him Look Stupid
Torn Wires
by Kyle Denning
1M ago
Local conspiracy theorist Bob McAllister made the startling discovery that all of his conspiracy theories are actually part of a complex government scheme to make him look foolish. McAllister, who has spent the last two decades of his life uncovering the “truth” about everything from the moon landing to chemtrails, was reportedly “shocked” and “betrayed” upon realizing that he was the victim of the biggest conspiracy of all. “It all makes sense now,” McAllister said, his tin foil hat trembling atop his head. “The government has been planting these absurd theories in my head for years, just wai ..read more
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Joel Osteen Discovers Fourth Gospel, Says It’s Been Hidden in His Wallet All Along
Torn Wires
by Kyle Denning
1M ago
Mega-church pastor Joel Osteen announced during a recent sermon that he has discovered the “Fourth Gospel,” conveniently tucked away between his credit cards and a crisp hundred-dollar bill in his wallet. The “Gospel According to Joel,” as it’s being referred to, reportedly contains previously unknown teachings of Jesus that align perfectly with Osteen’s prosperity theology—a theology that teaches God rewards faith and positive confessions with material wealth and success. “I was just rummaging through my wallet, looking for a little inspiration before my sermon, when lo and behold, I found th ..read more
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Man Carves Lover’s Face into Pumpkin with Exquisite Skill, Realizes He’s a Month Late to the Party
Torn Wires
by Kyle Denning
1M ago
In a display of dedication and artistic talent gone hilariously wrong, resident Jerry Thompson, 29, set out to carve his lover’s face into a pumpkin, only to realize that he may have gotten a little too carried away with the details—and the timeline. Thompson, known among friends for his meticulous nature and questionable understanding of calendars, decided to embark on a romantic journey of squash-based portraiture. His goal was simple: to capture the ethereal beauty of his girlfriend, Melissa, in the fleeting canvas of a pumpkin. However, as the hours turned into days, Thompson’s quest for p ..read more
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Mike Pence Drops Out of 2024 Race, Citing Need to Spend More Time Ignoring Reality
Torn Wires
by Kyle Denning
1M ago
In a press conference held in Las Vegas, former Vice President Mike Pence announced his withdrawal from the 2024 presidential race. The shocking retreat has left many political analysts scrambling, and Pence’s supporters in a state of confusion, with the only clarity being that reality seemed to be the biggest hurdle on Pence’s path to the presidency. “After much reflection, I have decided that I am needed more in realms that do not adhere to the conventional laws of logic,” said Pence while standing beside a stack of unread climate change reports. “I believe my talents are better utilized in ..read more
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Denver Broncos Triumph Over Chiefs, Kansas City Considers Changing Name to ‘Kansas Can’t City
Torn Wires
by Kyle Denning
1M ago
In a spectacle that left fans rubbing their eyes in disbelief, the Denver Broncos emerged victorious over the Kansas City Chiefs, proving that not all heroes wear capes – some wear orange and blue jerseys. The city of Denver has since erupted into wild celebrations, with impromptu parades and street parties painting the town orange. The game was nothing short of a marvel, as the Broncos discovered a novel strategy called “scoring points.” The Chiefs, on the other hand, appeared as though they’d been hit by a perplexity ray, unable to fathom the scoreboard which, for once, didn’t lean in their ..read more
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