WASHINGTON, DC - While citing an oddly literal interpretation of the second amendment, Trump’s lawyer argued before the Supreme Court that the president can legally order bears to maul his political rivals. “The second amendment discusses bears and how citizens can legally use bears and bear arms,” explained Jack Sauer, Trump’s lawyer. “It only follows that if citizens can use bears for self-defense then, due to the president’s absolute immunity, the president can use them to kill political rivals.” A look of shock came across the Supreme Court justices faces. “Let’s be clear,” asked Supreme ..read more

SEATTLE, WA - In need of work-life balance, local resident Stephen Ericson decided to stop going to work without notifying his employer. The incident, which began one month ago, has led to Ericson continuing to receive paychecks from his employer. "The only time I even login to my work computer is when I fill out my timesheet," explained Ericson. "When I first started this little experiment, I thought, 'Maybe I'll just take a day off and see how it goes,'" Ericson recounted while lounging on his couch, surrounded by empty snack wrappers. "But then I realized how much more enjoyable life is wi ..read more

In an exclusive interview from his underground bunker, local conspiracy theorist and self-proclaimed Elon Musk superfan, Terry Adams, shared his theory about how Bill Gates is allegedly planning to implant microchips in people worldwide. Terry, who only communicates through encrypted messages and believes Wi-Fi signals can read thoughts, began the interview by asserting, "It's all there if you connect the dots. Just look at how Bill Gates is always talking about vaccines and technology. What's next? Microchips, of course!" When asked how Elon Musk fits into this scenario, Terry's eyes lit up ..read more

“I hope they fixed it this time.” Say this while glancing nervously at the elevator buttons and watch your fellow riders immediately text their loved ones. “Do you smell smoke?” Absolutely guaranteed to quicken pulses. This is a great way to discover who skipped leg day when they sprint out at the next floor. “Bet you can’t guess what I’ve got in my bag!” This is especially thrilling if your bag is oddly shaped or ticking. Watch the suspicion in their eyes grow with each passing floor. “Can you help me decode this ransom note?” It’s quirky, it’s mysterious, it’s… likely to get you reported to ..read more

While traveling internationally avoid being robbed by dressing like a homeless person. If you are traveling internationally but you do not have enough money to pay for your trip then make some extra money by smuggling drugs into the country that you are visiting. If you’re an American traveling abroad then be sure to wear an American flag t-shirt and American flag shorts while insisting to only speak English. If you’re an American traveling to the Middle East, prepare for being held hostage by locking yourself in your basement for at least one week ..read more

“I hope they fixed it this time.” Say this while glancing nervously at the elevator buttons and watch your fellow riders immediately text their loved ones. “Do you smell smoke?” Absolutely guaranteed to quicken pulses. This is a great way to discover who skipped leg day when they sprint out at the next floor. “Bet you can’t guess what I’ve got in my bag!” This is especially thrilling if your bag is oddly shaped or ticking. Watch the suspicion in their eyes grow with each passing floor. “Can you help me decode this ransom note?” It’s quirky, it’s mysterious, it’s… likely to get you reported to ..read more

In a neighborhood that was previously known for its picket fences and well-tended lawns, residents are now grappling with a rather unusual situation. Local man Harold Thompson has allegedly stumbled upon a hidden portal in his backyard that leads directly into his neighbor’s garage, and he insists that he’s simply “borrowing some tools.” The saga began when Harold, an avid gardener and backyard enthusiast, was digging a new flowerbed in his yard. Armed with his trusty shovel and a determination to cultivate prize-winning roses, he hit something unexpected – a mysterious trapdoor that, when ope ..read more

Washington, D.C. — A government employee has thrown the United States government into a full-blown crisis by performing his duties with exceptional effectiveness and efficiency. The saga began early Monday morning when John, a mid-level bureaucrat at the Department of Homeland Security (DHS), accidentally completed all of his assigned tasks before his morning coffee break. The crisis deepened when John’s immediate supervisor checked his work and found it to be not only complete but also devoid of the usual errors that necessitate several additional layers of review. “I didn’t know what to do ..read more

Boeing has apparently sidestepped a major lawsuit after passengers on one of its planes miraculously survived a fall from a “giant hole” that appeared mid-flight. The incident, which has led to widespread disbelief, occurred last week during a flight that was, up until the hole’s appearance, entirely uneventful. According to reports, passengers aboard Flight 498 were startled when a gaping hole suddenly formed on the aircraft’s side, promptly ejecting several passengers. Eyewitnesses described the scene as “utterly bewildering.” Boeing’s official response, as reported, was a mix of relief and ..read more

While traveling internationally avoid being robbed by dressing like a homeless person. If you are traveling internationally but you do not have enough money to pay for your trip then make some extra money by smuggling drugs into the country that you are visiting. If you’re an American traveling abroad then be sure to wear an American flag t-shirt and American flag shorts while insisting to only speak English. If you’re an American traveling to the Middle East, prepare for being held hostage by locking yourself in your basement for at least one week ..read more