Paris Hilton has been forced to close access to her vagina for the foreseeable future over fears of corona virus. In a post on Twitter, she said “those close to me know me as the warmest human being ever, but for now I have to take one of my greatest assets off the market. Peace”. Audry Scriber of Blonde magazine told us, “we haven’t seen anything like this from Paris before. Sars, Swine flu, Ebola, and it was still game on for any fellow that bought her a jager bomb. But this is different; we’re seeing a new Paris that’s afraid of disease”! Hundreds of boyfreinds worldwide have been devastat ..read more

" You just walk around, and they pat you all day", said one dog, "actually I'll rephrase that, they compete to pat you. Also the amount of biscuits I get is ridiculous". It's been called a dream job by some in the animal kingdom and competition to secure positions is fierce. "We used to have three therapy dogs here at the home", said Jess Davies of Alicante Care, "but then there was a knife fight between the residents as to who took them for a walk, so we got a few more". Therapy dogs are often recruited from shelters by therapy dog agents. "The market is dominated by the golden retrievers ..read more

A man who, by all accounts, looked like he was the one to putting hand sanitizer on was actually preparing for something else. “I quite often like to knock one out in public, and all this hand sainitiser lark has made it even easier to lube up while I'm out and about”. Masturbating in public has been looked down on in recent decades but used to be commonplace in the 1800s. “We see this happening a lot more now”, said one expert, “people are gaining confidence because of the rise in the use of hand sanitizer. This is reminding people, or jogging their memory, that it’s possible to lube up outd ..read more

A man concerned there would be no toilet paper at work has decided to go into work wearing a diaper. “I wasn’t taking any chances you know”, said Jack, “plus I’ll be able to get more work done now that I can poo at my desk”. The rush on toilet paper has seen other products also dragged into bizarre behaviour. “We had one guy come in and take all the water fire extinguishers”, said one worker, “apparently he was going to wash his arse with them”! People across the country have started using all kinds of novel approaches to cleansing their behind. “People can use anything,” said one scientist ..read more

Newly released documents from Russia have shown that national hero Lyca was far than happy to end up as a space dog. “We’ve used the latest technology to analyse recordings of Lyca before she went into space”, said Ivan Pavlov, Head of Space Research and State Propaganda. The recording was first released in dog, then converted to Russian, and later translated to English said, “oh please don’t put me in there it smells like cabbage” and “oh well, I guess this is what I deserve for fucking up obedience school ..read more

The Prime Minister of the UK has come to parliament with a gun to her head. In what was first received as some kind of invalid threat, the head of the government then put a bullet in the chamber and proceeded to play Russian roulette. “She was screaming ‘ I’ll fucking do it! I’ll do it if you don’t agree to the backstop’” said one MP. Many in the viewing area, yelled “go on then! Do it!” It would be the first time in history that a prime minister had committed suicide while in office. Sarah Listener from Help UK told us, “We are seeing this a lot more, especially during question time. We real ..read more

When the firm Jim was working for cut back his hours, he knew he had to try to find a way to make some money to cover his mortgage. “I needed cash”, said Jim, “and then my neighbour died”. Jim offered his the family a grave at a rate much cheaper than a regular cemetery. “He really helped us out, and now if we ever want to lay some flowers we just chuck them over the fence”, said Sandy Jones. Greg Bates from TunzaMoney magazine told us, “People are looking for quirky ways to make money, and burying dead bodies in your back yard can offer homeowners a way to get that extension, go to Vegas, or ..read more

A man who underwent genetic testing with a home kit has discovered he carries the dreaded “arsehole gene”. “I was surprised and upset”, said Jason, “but my wife wasn’t shocked at all”. Many are deciding to take undego genetic testing, either because they’re curious about their ancestry, or because they’re hypocondriacs keen to discover if they are going to get cancer. Doctor Karl Norton, from genetic screening firm, WachaMadeOf told us, “Many character traits have a genetic component. The fact that some people are discovering they are aresholes or jerks is not down to our tests, but is writte ..read more

A drug dealer in a local nightclub has been caught offering discount immunisations for his customers. “It’s great”, said one young mum, “I bring all my kids here, and they are never sick and enjoy the music too”. With many people concerned about vaccine safety some might think it strange to take their children to a drug dealer. “What people are worried about is about is the government putting mind control substances in their injections”, said one dealer, “with my stuff it’s straight from the company that makes it so the government can’t put their stuff in there. It’s all about the kids innit ..read more

With the latest cold snap and chaos in parliament over Brexit, Theresa May has come up with the ingenious plan to leave the negotiations to a snowman she made last night. “I expect I’ll get a lot more loyalty from this guy than some of my colleagues in the party”, said the Prime Minister. Many are critical of the appointment with some on the left saying the post can only be temporary until the weather warms. “We’ve seen this time and time again with this government, it’s yet another delay tactic by a woman we'd assumed was out of ideas”, said John McDonnell. “What will it be next! Maybe they ..read more