Parker walked in the door from dinner with a takeout box in her hand. “Oooh, what’s that?” I asked. “You can have it if you want,” she said, handing me the box. My jaw dropped because Parker is kind of like Joey on Friends. PARKER DOESN’T SHARE FOOD! “It’s a fish taco,” she said. “Thank […] The post Something’s Fishy appeared first on Midlife Bloomer ..read more

You know how baseball players get several months to recover after the regular season, and then they return in the Spring, refreshed and ready to “Play Ball?” That’s what I expect from my Nativity Set. January to November is their off season, which is a generous eleven months. I don’t care what they do during […] The post Christmas Carnage appeared first on Midlife Bloomer ..read more

Back in the 70’s, we were warned about a guy who drove around in a van, and lured unsuspecting children with candy. As a young child, I remember having so many questions.  Candy? Free candy? AND he drives a van? (8-year-old me thought vans were awesome!) Where do I find this guy? Recently, I was […] The post Psst, You Want Some Candy? appeared first on Midlife Bloomer ..read more

In the last year of his life, my dad talked a lot about parachuting, something he had done as a young man. He told us repeatedly, “I just want to do one last jump.” We weren’t exactly sure how many jumps he had done in his lifetime, as the number seemed to grow over the […] The post Up appeared first on Midlife Bloomer ..read more

I had an eye exam last week, which is one of my least favorite doctor appointments. Hey, we’re going  to shoot puffs of air into your eyeballs at close range, followed by an exam that you don’t get to study for. An exam that I was pretty sure I was going to fail. My new […] The post Eye of the CHEATah appeared first on Midlife Bloomer ..read more

My granddaughter Holland had her first lemonade stand two weeks ago. With her brightly colored signs, a container of fresh lemonade, and a prime location at the corner of her neighborhood park, she was ready for business. Holland sat in her little chair, smiling and waving to potential customers as they drove by. She was highly motivated as her mom, Quincey, told her she could keep half of the money to buy whatever toys her 4-year-old heart desired. The other half was going to charity. But all Holland heard was “money,” “keep,” “toys.” This girl had her eye on the prize. An hour in, we already ..read more

For my Goddaughter’s wedding, I was debating on what shoes to wear with my dress. My attire wasn’t super formal so I felt it was important I dress it up with some fancy shoes. Fancy is not how I normally describe my footwear.  “Orthopedic” is what I aim for, with a side of “sturdy.” But for goodness’ sake, this was a special event so it was time to replace “supportive” with “slinky.” I wasn’t even sure if I owned “slinky,” but there they were, in the back corner of my closet.  The shoes were open-toed, with a series of criss-cross straps that covered the entire top of my foot. T ..read more

On the last day of the Erma Bombeck Writers’ conference, I had a few hours free so I decided to go for a run. I jogged on the trail just above the river. The sun was shining and the blue sky was filled with puffy clouds. I breathed in the fresh air, feeling the calm wash over me. I was all alone. And then about ten yards ahead, in the middle of the trail, there he was. Standing and staring. A gigantic Canadian Goose. I slowed my pace, expecting him to move. Instead, his beady eyes followed me and he ruffled his gray feathers in a most unwelcoming way. “Um, I’m just going to squeeze by,” I said ..read more

I was watching my friend Julie’s house for the weekend.  Her house is immaculate, everything is sparkling, and like Monica in Friends, there are no “crummies” in her kitchen. This is why I was a little nervous when I decided to make a blueberry-banana-strawberry smoothie. It was a risky move, considering all the ingredients, but fortunately, I didn’t spill a drop. When I finished, I poured the remaining smoothie into another cup for Steve, and placed it in the fridge. Later, when I opened the refrigerator to get some water, I noticed that the cup was precariously close to the edge, which ..read more

You know how most parents become more relaxed with their second child? Well, not all of them. It was last summer and we had agreed to watch 3-year-old Holland and 5-month-old Noah at our house for the weekend.  “That’s a lot of stuff,” I said, as my daughter, Quincey and her husband, Colby, opened the back hatch of their minivan. Diaper bags, strollers, and a slew of other baby-related items tumbled onto the driveway. “It’s mostly Noah’s stuff,” Quincey said. “She needs a few things to help her sleep.” “But I thought you said she sleeps through the night now,” I said. “Oh, she does,” Quin ..read more