Today I left the house with poo on my jumper. I saw it there as I left the kindergarten classroom, my child having been dropped off as the final participant of the school day. We were late, as is currently normal practice for us. You see, I realised today that I actually suck at doing morning drop off. There seem to be too many things to do on a school morning for it to run smoothly. Today, my four year old was both curious and pensive at breakfast, prolonging the time it took for the toast to enter his mouth and make its way down to his tummy. I felt like every second sentence coming out of m ..read more

It’s 5am and I’m considering dragging myself out of bed for a fifth time since 10:30pm. The thought of it hurts my body in a way only the very sleep deprived know how. Every inch of tissue feels like it’s had it’s own sleeping tablet; clogged in the cells, lodged. The ends of the body can’t be reached through a habitual morning stretch; they feel dull – unwilling to switch on like an ignition refusing to fire. My limbs are the heaviest they’ve ever been. They will not be lifted from the warmth of the covers: the fog of an early morning dream is weighing them down. My head pounds – not with the ..read more

I see the days falling away as my eldest child grows and changes and matures and we get closer to the end of babyhood for the littlest one. I feel a low level of stress – almost like I’ve got to meet a deadline I am unprepared for. In the little moments with each of my boys I wonder how much I’ll remember of this time… The urge to somehow capture it all consumes me, as I desperately repeat phrases, questions and gestures in an attempt to keep them all close to me. How soon Arlo has moved into boyhood, how incomprehensible is the size of his heart and his emotional mind. He’s taking on so much ..read more

It’s day three of a snap five day lockdown in Perth – glory land throughout the Covid19 saga as every other city in the world struggles to keep it under control, people dying in the hundred thousands and everyone wondering when this crap is going to end. Here, we have been marching along to the orders of Premier Mark McGowan: ruler of the state and upholder of persistent and strict border controls, which disallow entrants into Western Australia without a police approved pass. Perth has remained an outlier; not a single community case of transmission in ten months of mayhem… and Marky McGee is ..read more

i want to write but there is no time. there are children to feed, a kitchen to clean and a house to keep tidy there is exercise to be done that doesn’t get done. there is sleep that needs to engulf a body but there are too many things clouding the list of desires so that all I really do in my truest reality is look after everybody but myself ..read more

Two glasses of proper champagne and only bits of sleep last night and I’m attempting a settle; he’s 9 months old and the sleeping struggle is tangible. Chopin’s Nocturne No.2 in E-Flat Major has overthrown my monkey mind…I’m simply swaying in rhythm to it. Through the alcohol induced mist, the music is piercing a little tiny hole into the turbulent year I’ve endured with a second little boy in my arms, during both sleeping and waking hours. He thrashes about. Overtired and uncomfortable and palpably searching for some remedy that will send him into the ether, the realm of sleep so desperately ..read more

Arrived home from successful trip to the shops today with both boys and no disasters. Tears in the last 3 minutes of driving – nothing compared to the usual throat screaming marathon, anxious steering wheel tapping and attempted utterances of comfort. Neighbours passed by as I tried to juggle baby, items and toddler from the car up the stairwell. Walked out to say hello – my infant has grown so much since they last saw him and we were overdue for a chat. Proceeded to discuss “how things are going.” Was honest; things haven’t been easy. Neighbours empathised as they did the same thing – coming ..read more

I’m standing at the breakfast bench typing this and my eyes are flicking to my one o’clock every few seconds. The baby monitor is in the corner there and I see a sleeping face in black and white amidst the tschhhhhhh sound of white noise. The little face is no longer sobbing; it’s been a while and he’s in a deep sleep now. Seeing that calm, peaceful face is what reminds me that having children is not entirely what I expected, but at the moment I need more reminders of the good side among the rest of the chaos, to make everything seem okay. The last six months has been madness. When you have a ..read more

Shower time is thinking time. And time to pause, strain my ears and wonder if I can hear a baby screaming outside or just in my head. Last night I pondered something that I’ve never spoken with anybody about. It’s the use of a bath towel. Usually you use your towel 2-3 times before washing it, or even more (is this just me? What is the normal amount of towel uses before washing?) however my issue is this. You dry your body with your towel. Your whole body, including your bottom and V or P is exposed to some part of the towel. You dry your face with it and in between your toes. Behind your ears ..read more

When you have a baby, no one gives you a manual. They give you some documents, they scribble on paper with medical words and lots of boxes. And then they send you on your way, in a daze of fatigue from a long and excruciating labour, to strap a fragile new life into a big metal machine and head for shelter within the confines of your ever changed home. When you have a baby, no one gives you a manual. Many people tell you their story; they share fragments of experience that you won’t really be able to make sense of until years later, once you have been there yourself. By then you will have repl ..read more