Every 21 days after each chemo I write or scribble stuff.Am I supposed to or do I expect anyone to read it?The fact being a cancer patient however hard you try ,you know what you are going through.I also know what others think of me to some extent. Heavy doze of steriods make me feel different.In addition to all the medical conditions ( P.S I ask too many questions to my doctors with the little knowledge I have) The recent strange conditions (mentally) 1) Depression, depersonalisation disorder(Who am I? ) 2) I find the Who am I question different coz I had the same question asked to me when I ..read more

Just repeating my stand again, Iam not a blogger/writer.Then why am I scribbling? I guess because I was and Iam irritated/ angry today and normally watching anything on my phone ( friends, netflix or amazon) does bring me back to my mood it hasnt till now.So I thought I will scribble again .. I was diagnosed in Aug 2017 and it took me a couple of months to accept it , after that the depression part did not affect me.Does it now? Maybe it does. Am i irritated , angry and in a shouting mode as I am under steriods on and off? Yes Iam not denying it.Iam not a fool.But why I reacted today was becau ..read more

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Some of my friends ( few I must say) asked me why am I not writing blogs.I didnt reply.Not because I have no answers , I had too many which one should I tell them? 1) My eye sight was a bit foggy due to high doze steriods, cant read or write much. 2)I didnt have much to write.I was tired, depressed, worried so what to write? 3)I had memory loss ( names in particular) so I didnt know what to write and whom to write about ? Maybe …(repeat stuff ) Its strange and at times scary but I realised what can I do about it? Iam not forgetting stuff because I forgot to study about it ( as in school) 4) Hi ..read more

Honestly I never expected to write a blog in a situation like this, infact I never expected myself to be in this state.Iam not in Intesive care unit now but I was 3 weeks back for a few days.I had come back from Bangalore ( by flight) which seems to trigger my seizures.I had a seizure attack after 2 days.I had one 8 months back and had done cyberknife and those tumours were under control .But I had developed 2 more new ones which showed their real colours after the flight journey though it was not the flight which caused it,it just triggered its symptoms which I guess was good for me coz it to ..read more

There are days I wake up and wish I had no cancer.Or that I was having a bad dream.What has cancer taught me ? Do not take your life for granted, you never know when your bubble is gonna burst…. I look down and see an array of cars and other vehicles blaring horn continously and competing to reach where?? It makes no sense to me coz I too was running to reach somewhere when God decided to apply brakes.So people dont honk continously it is of no use,you are not going to apply brakes in your life someone else will so take a chill pill, let the car overtake you , dont shout , dont abuse ,it wont ..read more

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Do I expect a normal person to understand me ? Or am I different from them all? Do I play the cancer card often? I guess I do.And do I feel guilty?No I dont.I guess for all of us each day ,and for me each day alive is a miracle. .But I have realised with my limited knowledge of human nature that we dont change our basic nature no matter what.I may get irritated soon, i react sooner and Iam more sensitive these days, but I would have done all this even before ,but maybe with a slightly lesser intensity.I shouldnt be expecting everyone to understand me .I dont. I wont get promotion in my work pl ..read more

I had no intention of continuing my blog writing, but since I understood the blog is exclusively for me ( as I ran out of the paid version) I felt why not? I spend half of my money on online purchases , stuff which I have no idea I use or not, other half in books which I love to look at covers but I rarely read.I felt it unnecessary to waste on a blog which was read by only the people i forwarded it to ( Iam not sure all of them read it, some do out of sympathy or empathy, some dont).I have a dog constantly howling in vicinity not sure if it is sick or is mating but sure is taking my attention ..read more

On the onset Iam not a writer and I ask myself why do I put myself to this misery, but I seem to enjoy reading the stuff I write, so i guess that is the motivating factor.I can write for myself right? I perfectly understand why people dont like talking about cancer all the time, even I dont.But i guess the normal people can take a choice, I cant.Its a part of me now however hard I try not to acknowledge it. My school was just opposite to my ancestral home (where I was born) and even the click sound of my house gates aroused my attention when I was young.I was curious to know who was entering m ..read more