In a world where individuality and creative expression are celebrated, there exists a young college graduate who has taken the concept of “personal branding” to a whole new level. Meet Jane, a recent graduate with a degree in pre-colonial lesbian dance theory and a face that could give the most open-minded of HR managers pause. With 50 facial piercings and a veritable canvas of tattoos, Jane is the embodiment of the millennial spirit, a walking testament to the power of self-expression and the importance of standing out in a crowded job market.  But despite her best efforts to showcase h ..read more

In a world where parenting challenges abound, one brave father has taken on the ultimate test of endurance and gag reflex: living for an entire year on nothing but the leftovers of his children’s meals that have “touched another food.” Yes, you read that right – this fearless dad, who shall remain nameless (but we’ll call him “Dad” for the sake of this article), has decided to embark on a culinary adventure that would make even the most seasoned food critic shudder. The rules of this bizarre experiment are simple: Dad must consume any and all leftovers from his children’s plates, as long as t ..read more

ATLANTA—In a shocking turn of events, sources close to the Biden campaign have confirmed that Stacey Abrams, the former Georgia gubernatorial candidate, allegedly consumed Joe Biden’s Uncle Bosey during a trip to New Guinea in the 1970s. According to eyewitnesses, Abrams, then a young anthropology student, consumed Uncle Bosey, a respected elder from a remote tribe, during a research expedition to the Pacific island nation.  The incident allegedly occurred in 1975, when Abrams was part of a team studying the indigenous cultures of New Guinea. During a ceremonial feast, Abrams reportedly ..read more

SACRAMENTO—California Tourism officials have unveiled a bold and controversial new marketing campaign aimed at attracting visitors to the Golden State. Titled “Come to Kill Your Baby, Stay For The Weather,” the campaign has sparked both outrage and applause across the nation. Governor Gavin Newsom, the mastermind behind the campaign, couldn’t contain his enthusiasm during the unveiling. “This is a game-changer for California,” he declared with a wide grin. “We’re talking about tapping into a whole new revenue stream here. And let’s face it, our weather alone is worth the trip!” The campaign’s ..read more

WASHINGTON, DC—In a bizarre and unsettling Earth Day address, President Joe Biden urged Americans to take drastic action to reduce their carbon footprint: kill their girlfriends and compost her remains, just like Earth Day founder Ira Einhorn. “Folks, let’s get real,” Biden said, his voice grave with urgency. “Those fancy eco-conscious girlfriends are killing our planet. It’s time to take a stand – or rather, take a hammer – and liberate ourselves from the shackles of the carbon machines.” The President’s remarks sent shockwaves throughout the tech industry, with many experts questioning the ..read more

Palo Alto, CA—In a bold move to boost investor confidence, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has debuted his latest innovation: a cutting-edge, human-like skin upgrade, complete with a stylish beard. Dubbed “MetaHuman 2.0,” the new skin is designed to make Zuckerberg appear more relatable and trustworthy to shareholders, who have been increasingly skeptical of his robotic demeanor. “I’m thrilled to introduce my new and improved exterior,” Zuckerberg said, beaming with pride, during a special shareholders’ meeting. “With MetaHuman 2.0, I can finally connect with investors on a deeper level. No more ..read more

WASHINGTON, DC—Congress has unanimously passed a bill making it a federal offense to wave the American flag within the US Capitol building. The new law, signed into effect by President* Biden, aims to promote “global unity” and “diplomatic harmony” by restricting the display of American patriotism. But that’s not all – the legislation also mandates that only Ukraine flags can be flown within the hallowed halls of Congress. The move is seen as a bold gesture of solidarity with Ukraine in its ongoing conflict with Russia. “We’re proud to take this historic step towards a more inclusive and inte ..read more

Washington, DC—In a shocking turn of events, all Congresspeople who voted in favor of Ukraine funding have received a surprise “thank you” package from the Pentagon: a one-way ticket to the front lines of the Ukraine-Russia war. The move, announced by a grinning Secretary of Defense, is being hailed as a bold new approach to “skin-in-the-game” politics. “We figured, why not give our esteemed lawmakers a chance to experience the thrill of war firsthand?” said the SecDef, winking at reporters. “After all, they were so eager to send billions of taxpayer dollars to support the Ukrainian military ..read more

ATLANTA—Chick-Fil-A has introduced two new menu items that are sure to raise eyebrows: “Uncle Bosie’s Bites” and “Corn Pop Poppers.” According to a spokesperson, the inspiration behind these names is none other than the 46th President of the United States. “We believe in honoring this great leader by naming our chicken wings after his uncle, who was famously devoured by cannibals,” said P. Pulleater, Chick-Fil-A’s chief marketing officer. “And who can forget the epic tale of Corn Pop, the bully who met his match with a chain-wielding hero? It’s only fitting that we pay tribute to these… uniqu ..read more

NEW YORK—Organizers of Burning Man 2024 have announced that this year’s festival will take place on the steps of the New York City courthouse, coinciding with the highly anticipated Trump “hush money” trial. The decision has left many in the Burner community scratching their heads, wondering how the notoriously free-spirited festival will mesh with the stern, stone-faced atmosphere of a courthouse. “We’re all about pushing boundaries and challenging societal norms,” said Burning Man’s lead organizer, Larry Harvey (or at least, his spirit guide). “What better way to do that than by bringing ou ..read more