Sometimes in a separation, early on, we play the victim and throw a big pity party. We whine. We complain. We behave in ways we often regret when we are not being our best. We blame. We take everything personally. We rant. We rave. We get emotional. We over-react. We react without thought. Have you ever played the victim? I know I have! This spiral of negativity may feel somewhat satisfying for a while, but it wears thin fast. No one enjoys spending time with someone playing the victim except the people who feed off seeing other people suffer. Trust me, these people don’t stick around when ..read more

One of the hardest things about separation and divorce, is all the memories and emotions that come up during all our special holiday celebrations as our holiday traditions change. The first Christmas, or if you do not celebrate Christmas – whatever you do celebrate, without your full extended family, is probably one of the most difficult times in the first year of separation. Kids, if you have them, may have to spend their first vacation divided up between households, and they will probably find things difficult to adjust to as well. Here are my top 6 tips about improving the holidays for you ..read more

When most people start divorce negotiations, they usually have little or no experience with the process. Understanding some common mistakes and how they can impact your own divorce process may help you make better decisions and speed up the negotiations. The top mistakes commonly made when negotiating a divorce: WANTING REVENGE: The cause of divorce has no bearing on the outcome in the courts, in Canada, so do not expect to get revenge or make your ex-partner pay more because you are the better person. This strategy just increases your costs – you may as well just gift your money to your leg ..read more

Many years before I separated, fairly early on in my marriage, I was told emphatically by a helpful professional: “You are NOT responsible for your partner’s happiness. They are 100% responsible for their own happiness and unhappiness. It has nothing to do with you.” I felt such an amazing flood of relief. I remember crying very hard, full on messy sobbing. I had felt tremendous responsibility for a clinical depression. Over the years we had talked about things a lot, worked on ways to improve our lives and eventually sought professional help. I had found that most of what I did to ‘fix’ our ..read more

One far too common mistake I see, is avoiding the sensitive relationship conversations because these dialogues are ‘too difficult’. Why is it that we end up hurting our most important relationships by developing unhealthy communication habits and habitual ways of silencing the discussion, and shutting each other down? Poor communication, or worse, silent avoidance when critical issues arise, often leads to disconnection. Your truth may be difficult to mention out loud, to hear out loud (it always sounds much better in your head), and the responses may indeed be difficult to listen to and unde ..read more

Often in a separation, especially at the start of a breakup, you give away all of your own power by focusing on your ex and everything that they appear to be doing to hurt you and ruin your life. You cannot believe what your ex did. You repeat your messy divorce story over and over. You cannot accept what your ex is currently doing. You resist what is happening and try to control what your ex is doing. You worry about what our ex will do or not do in the future. You spend a lot of time wishing your ex was different. You blame and do not take responsibility for yourself. Basically, you focus f ..read more

So another year has come and gone! How will this fresh new year unfold for you? Have you made some goals about how you want to show up during your divorce? I know no one can choose how their divorce will be – there are too many moving parts during a separation and divorce. You can, however, choose how you think about the situation, feel about it, react and act during your divorce. A well thought out divorce goal can actually impact the results you get during your separation and divorce by changing your mindset and your behaviour. Will you drift another year, or set some firm, goal driven inte ..read more

“No” is a complete sentence. When was the last time you said “YES” to yourself by saying “No”? Often as I work with people going through a separation, I am amazed at what their marriages have cost them. (I am not referring to finances, which is probably what comes to mind first when we think of a marriage breakdown. Or the chattels. Or the social costs. Or the legal bills. Or the costs of setting up two homes after sharing costs in one) I am referring, in this blog, to giving up: Who they are. What they like and dislike. What their passions and dreams are. What they enjoy doing and where they ..read more

  Often, a separation or divorce brings up some very difficult to manage emotions. We usually blame our ex-partners for all our difficult hurt feelings. It must be their fault that you feel sad, mad, bad or even glad. May I suggest that your feelings are actually much more under your control than you realize? Emotions are your choice. Difficult feelings will not completely disappear, but I find it very comforting to understanding that you have some control over your own emotions. Feelings work like this: Circumstances happen and create a ‘situation’. Your beliefs dictate the story you tell yo ..read more