Jeff Bezos Generously Donates Another 100 Million Dollars In Amazon Stock to Jeff Bezos Foundation
The Satira - A Satire News Network
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4y ago
Jeff Bezos made a recent 100 million dollar donation to charity, which was immediately flagged by more savvy people on the internet as a stock only donation with very specific rules on how the stock could be used to a charity that he also owned.  While entirely too busy building space ships to leave all the dirty poor people behind after stealing a bunch of resources off earth and running with them, Bezos noticed that for the most part people bought the ruse and the transparent tax dodge worked. Not wasting any time, Jeff Bezos picked another problem, Jeff Bezos, and decided they needed to wo ..read more
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Dad Abandons Family After Getting Another Crappy Tie For Christmas
The Satira - A Satire News Network
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4y ago
In the face of going into debt with over priced Christmas gifts, holiday depression, the stress of having to shop and the war crime that is being ear raped by Mariah Carey and Alvin and The Chipmunks while having to do it.  Local father, James McNare, saw that while he was forced to spend 800 dollars on jewelry for his wife, and 600 more on his daughter in the form of video games, clothes, and make up, they were wrapping a single joint present for him, a 5 dollar tie that could only be described as "The Clint Howard" of ties. This apparently led James to wonder what the whole family thing was ..read more
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Uber Adds Rapey Vibe Rating After Reporting 11,500 Sexual Assaults And Gropes
The Satira - A Satire News Network
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4y ago
Ride sharing company Uber released its crime statistics for the last two years, including 3045 sexual assaults, 9 murders, and 58 car crash deaths last year, with 2,936 in 2017 as well, with 264 cases of rape between both years, and 5500 other incidents involving groping or sexual touching that was unwanted.  As Uber Stock value fell 1.4 billion in the wake of the news, and finally actually checking criminal history of drivers didn't seem to help much, Uber added a feature to its ride hailing app to include rapey vibes on drivers and passengers which could be ranked from 1 to 5 cans of ..read more
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Climate Change Deniers Supporting Kim Jong-Un's Nuclear Threats To Save Face
The Satira - A Satire News Network
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4y ago
Kim Jung-Un recently referencing a "Christmas Gift" for Trump if a better deal isn't offered for North Korea has been met with a surprising amount of support from the climate change denying crowd.  Although widely believed to accept and want the apocalypse, it seems that the opportunity to have it come via nuclear warfare instead of the front runner climate change is growing favor rapidly. Opposition to climate change deniers, 98% of everyone, clearly see it as a tactic to not have to admit they are wrong, because if nuclear bombs destroy the world, technically, they would be right about clim ..read more
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Ghosts Avoiding Mediums Claiming All They Do Is Prey On Their Grief And Lie
The Satira - A Satire News Network
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4y ago
The United Ghost Alliance has contacted The Satira's occult division psychics to inform us and the rest of the world that they are officially not responding to any working mediums or paranormal investigators from this point on.  The Ghosts feel that the relationship has always been strained and parasitic, and with the advent of reality shows it has grown into an actively abusive relationship that empowers the other side to take advantage in their name. One ghost named Alex White appeared in our office and after blowing things around and wailing he settled down for an interview about Paranorma ..read more
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NSA Bummed As Half Of America Wiretaps Itself With Discount Smart TV Sales
The Satira - A Satire News Network
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4y ago
The NSA recently reported a steep drop in morale following the massive number of discount smart TV purchases this past Black Friday and Cyber Monday.  The devices are described as "Basically wiretaps and that is why they were made to be so cheap.", by NSA Director Mike Spyman.  With giant vertically integrated companies stealing all users data and recording customers for a profit, the National Security Agency as a whole just feels out done. A representative from Amazon contacted The Satira out of nowhere the second we started typing this article to say, "We definitely aren't spying on anyone ..read more
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Fat Tittied Slut Machine Ignores Perfectly Good Construction Worker Compliments
The Satira - A Satire News Network
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4y ago
A joint effort to fix a bridge in Newark, New Jersey was halted for an hour after construction workers had to regroup from a sever indignity.  A woman, Jesse Haley was walking by the construction site when the workers engaged in light hearted and uplifting cat calling.  After showering her with yells about their favorite parts of her anatomy, what they would like to do to her, and asking for her phone number, to their shock and amazement, she walked past without so much as a look. One of the workers, Chuck Drivers, contacted The Satira with the full account of the incident. The Satira:  Than ..read more
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Private Prison Companies Cutting Execution Costs By Pretending Inmates Are Snitches
The Satira - A Satire News Network
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4y ago
Internal Memos found from both CoreCivic and the Geo Group and Management & Training Corporation, owners and operators of prisons, jails and other detention facilities, were recovered today and sent to The Satira by a whistle blowing employee concerned with the legalization of murder.  The documents detailed and initiative to cut back on power and chemical costs in the case of executions and instead instructed wardens of the prisons to have the prison guards leave commissary food in the inmates cell and quote "Act extra friendly while winking and nodding blatantly to the prisoner."  Mi ..read more
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Trump Links Jefferey Epstein As Assassinated General In War On Thanksgiving
The Satira - A Satire News Network
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4y ago
After President Trump disclosed the secret war on Thanksgiving, much to the chagrin of secret liberal operatives everywhere, he continued to reveal that Jeffery Epstein was a general in command of the war FOR thanksgiving.  The allegations against him were falsified by the liberal media in conjunction with hyper intelligent blue state turkey agents. The Turkey army apparently needed charges that would isolate and pin down the general in order to stage a suicide and master minded the paying of women to testify against General Epstein as well as naming as many pro thanksgiving, all American, f ..read more
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Fox News Straining For Content After Ignoring Constant Bad Trump Press
The Satira - A Satire News Network
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4y ago
Fox News writers and anchors are threatening to go on strike after repeatedly having to wing stories during this prolonged impeachment inquiry.  The channel has a long standing history of just not commenting when blatant lies will not help cover up for conservatives, and in extremely damning circumstances they normal brazenly do a fluff piece instead of any actual news. The problem is with this extended and constant reveal of President Trump wrong doings, they are running out of secondary ideas to intentionally not cover the foibles of The Donald.  Writers are resorting to stealing old plots ..read more
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