Monday is your new Saturday morning, the start of the weekend. Once your kids are at school, you have a lazy morning of self-care (clearing your inbox) followed by brunch with friends (an all-hands meeting in the conference room with stale bagels). You round out the afternoon by spending time in nature (dozing off in a desk salad). Tuesday is Saturday afternoon. After a slight interruption to your weekend (Monday evening with your kids), you’re ready to get back to the fun. You host a boozy book club (your colleague stops by your desk to comb through the latest all-company memo for hints that ..read more

To our treasured [COLLEGE / UNIVERSITY NAME] community, This week, the unthinkable occurred on our [REVERENT ADJECTIVE] campus. An [INFLAMMATORY COLLECTIVE NOUN] overtook the historic [CENTRAL CAMPUS LOCATION NAMED AFTER PROBLEMATIC DONOR]. Thankfully, the [CAMPUS POLICE / MUNICIPAL POLICE / NATIONAL GUARD / PRIVATE MILITIA HIRED BY BILLIONAIRE FOOTBALL BOOSTERS] responded with [A DIFFERENT REVERENT ADJECTIVE] and [YET ANOTHER REVERENT ADJECTIVE] action to defend the defenseless [AFOREMENTIONED CAMPUS LOCATION] from this band of thugs. While [NUMBER HIGHER THAN 100] individuals were thrown to ..read more

Dear Policyholder, As your automobile insurance carrier, we want to thank you for your continued trust in NOTONUS. We regret to inform you that we have elected to raise your rate—a difficult decision, but one that we feel is justified given the considerations outlined below. Reasons for your premium increase are as follows: Driving Record Repeatedly engaging in the extremely dangerous behavior of getting in your car and driving it around. Putting your car at risk of being crushed under thousands of pounds of lumber and drywall by parking it nightly in a climate-controlled garage. You have an ..read more

In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies, and all the rhetorical occasions in between. - - - Hey, guess what? Show-and-tell is coming up. That’s one of the best days of kindergarten ever. And that means you’ll be giving your very first speech of your whole life. (Unless you were valedictorian of your preschool, in which case I loved that inspiring story you told at commencement about how one time the cafeteria only h ..read more

Your dummy Uncle Tim is getting married at sixty-four. His wedding is sure to be a bore. But have no fear, because when those church bells go ringing and Tim’s at the altar smooching, you’ll be in the third row bumping your head, earbuds in, listening to those Dune tunes. Dune: Part Two tunes to be precise. Man, oh man, does Hans Zimmer rock it with those Dune tunes. Guitar riffs and sonic booms. He takes you straight to Dune, riding sandworms in the heat of noon. Later, when you go to that buffoon Uncle Tim’s reception, and you’re sitting at the rejects table, with all the kids and the goons ..read more

I was having a quiet evening at home when, suddenly, I received a text. It was my friend Laura, asking if I was free Friday. But I already had plans to get dinner with a different friend—a woman Laura had never met, named Erica. I yearned to invite Laura along but knew, sadly, that I couldn’t. The laws of friendship dictate that getting dinner with two friends who don’t know each other is impossible, as they come from different, parallel universes. To bring Erica and Laura to the same dimension—eating dinner with me at an Italian restaurant in the East Village, on the same night, at 7 p.m.—cou ..read more

Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured generations to the latest innovations in aroma-making. - - - I believe it’s impossible to experience Spain without encountering ham. But in my case, it was by accident. I was staying at a boutique hotel in one of those postcard-perfect Andalusian villages. Before jumping into the shower, I noticed there wasn’t any soap ..read more

“Red touch yellow, legless fellow. Red touch black, legs they lack.” Remembering that neither coral snakes nor scarlet kingsnakes have legs. “Uplifting. Star-spangled. Anthem.” Remembering the letters in “USA.” “A caT has two. A dOg has one.” How many horns common household pets would have if those household pets had horns, and also if cats had two of them while dogs only had one. “Red touch yellow, kill a fellow. The largest nation, Russian Federation.” Distinguishing between a coral snake and the country of Russia. “An airplane takes you up to a different plane. A submarine goes in the water ..read more

Stage Zero: Unwelcome Discovery Your rather unrefined friend sends you a link to an AI-generated violin concerto. “Cool, right?!” she texts, followed by the laughing emoji. You touch the callus on your neck from your twenty-two years of playing violin. Suddenly, the memory of the ruler-wielding teacher you had before you started the Suzuki method invades your mind, and you wince, subconsciously hiding your knuckles. You click on “Vibrant Expressive Baroque Concerto.” Stage One: Denial It’s not that good. It sounds like the B-side of a knockoff of the Brandenburg Concertos. Nobody wants pretty ..read more

“Trump VP contender Kristi Noem writes of killing her dog—and goat—in new book.” — The Guardian 4/26/24 - - - The dog is wiry and playful. Its red mouth hangs open and the tang of blood briefly throbs through the chilly South Dakota air with every heaving pant. The chicken stares blankly into the sun. The chicken’s owner takes wary steps toward the mongrel fearing its boundless energy and needle teeth. The pup dances back and targets another hen. The pile of corpses grows as the day stretches and warps. The patriot snarls an oath of contempt at the cur. She had taken it on as a hunter to help ..read more