“‘We will each write a ghost story,’ said Lord Byron; and his proposition was acceded to. There were four of us.” – Mary Shelley, Introduction to Frankenstein. - - Wow, Mary! Wow. Dr. Frankenstein and his monster. I can’t imagine anything more chilling. In fact, it’s so chilling that I think we should probably call off the rest of the storytelling contest right now. I don’t even need to take my turn. Oh, are you sure? Still? Because I kind of wish I had gone first. My thing isn’t even that scary. Or about humankind. It’s just, well, did everyone else do this overnight? Because I feel like Mary ..read more

Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to acutely personal mini-manifestoes. Read the rest over at 270 Reasons. - - - Because Kamala Harris Can Say the Word “Abortion” by Lauren Groff I am voting for Kamala Harris because I want a president who can say the word “abortion.” I want a president who knows that all genders are inherently equal, but that deeply ingr ..read more

1. Set your alarm for 6:00 a.m. the night before. You want to be first in line for the perfect pumpkin. 2. When your alarm goes off, ask yourself what the hell you were thinking. It’s not like they’re going to run out of pumpkins. Snooze until ten. 3. Put on your newly purchased cute fall outfit: a flannel shirt, light wash jeans, suede boots from Costco, and a wide-brimmed felt hat from Temu that feels like an itchy vice around your head. 4. Look up a video for how to French braid your hair. How hard can it be to look exactly like Taylor Swift on the Evermore album cover? 5. Fifteen sweaty mi ..read more

With America more politically polarized than any time since the Civil War, the most important issue facing the next president is figuring out how to heal our divided nation. Vice President Harris is undoubtedly the candidate most likely to bring our country together, but she will need to build a bipartisan coalition to do so. In September, the Harris-Waltz ticket earned a crucial new supporter: former Vice President Dick Cheney. While Cheney’s endorsement goes a long way in helping Democrats win over Halliburton diehards and torture connoisseurs, there is one endorsement that will almost certa ..read more

Can I still pay my union dues by sacrificing goats, bartering homemade macramé, or offering to house-sit while the high priestess is on vacation in Tulum? The Topeka Coven has long accepted sacrificial gifts to our dark lord, in-kind bartering, and occasional house-sitting as payment for dues and services rendered. This will continue to be true after unionization and all suggestions made by Kathy that the coven will be moving to a hard currency-only system are false. I’ve heard rumors from Kathy that unionizing might stifle spell-casting innovation. Will spells be standardized and/or require u ..read more

This memo serves to answer questions that you, my eight- and six-year-old children, have about Scoopy Daddy. What is Scoopy Daddy? How did we get here? Scoopy Daddy is a child-development teaching tool that I, your father, developed in response to recent changes in attitude and behavior you each exhibited. You likely remember the debut of Scoopy Daddy. Several weeks ago, the family was having ice cream as a special treat, and, as is typical, I began to scoop out your portions. This is a reasonable role for me, your legal guardian, to play. However, you each began screaming and crying like babi ..read more

“Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene has doubled down on her allegation that an unspecified ‘they’ can control the weather, a claim that has sparked a backlash online.” – Newsweek, 10/6/24 - - - In the basement of the Ben and Jerry’s factory in Waterbury, Vermont, former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi addresses her fellow globalist cabal leaders. In the room with her are George Soros, Oprah Winfrey, Bill Gates, Al Gore, and Taylor Swift. NANCY PELOSI: Good evening, fellow shady elites. Before we discuss the main topic on tonight’s agenda, let’s hear a quick status update from each electio ..read more

I hope you don’t mind, but my buddy texted me, and I told him he could stop by. I’ll warn you in advance, he can be a lot. But once you get to know him, he’s great. I know this is a “shoes off” house, but trust me, you will want him to keep his shoes on. Are you the type of person who gets offended by jokes? Because after you meet him, you probably will be. But he’s fun. He never shows up empty-handed—he always comes to a party with a six-pack of beer. But tomorrow morning, you’ll notice all your most expensive wine is missing. He’s going to flirt with your wife. Either it will make her uncomf ..read more

Art by Matt Smith - - - So the thing is, back in the 1000s, Sweden wasn’t exactly the goddamned shinin’ beacon’ah highly pious Lutheranism as we tend tah think’ah it as bein’ today, even if that image is kindah outdated since the 1800s. Fahr stahtahs, the boundahry’ah the whole country was diff’rent. N’ it wasn’t even Sweden yet, eithah, fahr that fuckin’ mattah. It was Svealand ah Svitjod ah some shit like that n’ pretty much only consisted’ah the Stockholm n’ Uppsala areas, though with no actual Stockholm. It was just some rinky-dink island with trees n’ logs n’ shit on it. Anyway, these Sw ..read more

Hello, I’m Carl, the custodian in charge of maintaining the litter box in your child’s public school classroom. Ask me anything. Are there actual litter boxes in my child’s classrooms for student use? Yes, we keep them there to support the needs of our youths who identify as a “furry.” Although we don’t discriminate, any child is welcome to lighten their load in front of the class as they see fit. What about classmates who aren’t furries? They will be soon enough, thanks to our dedicated librarians. Who authorized this? This inclusivity program came straight from our school board, composed of ..read more