Seinfeld fans universally agree that Newman is one of the show’s most memorable and hilarious characters. People who aren’t Seinfeld fans or Seinfeld fans who disagree with this assertion should read my article about the urgent need to normalize the art of ,Seppuku. From his rants about ,junk mail, to explaining why postal workers go ,postal, to his uncanny talent as a Romantic poet, Newman’s character churns out comedy gold faster than the Soviets churned out tanks during WWII. Newman’s consistent comedic output and the clumsy tank production analogy notwithstanding, there’s one inconsistent ..read more

Sports radio is a form of entertainment featuring a cadre of loudmouth dickheads yelling about sports and reading shitty ads. But there’s more to sports radio than just loudmouth dickheads yelling; it’s an art that can only be mastered by the loudest of yelling dickheads. If you’re an aspiring LD who is considering a career in yelling, you should set your beady eyes on sports radio. With a little luck, if you continue being aggressively unpleasant to be around and follow these 7 rules of sports radio, you may one day prosper as a local loudmouth dickhead. ,1. Always overreact In Week 1 of the ..read more

I marched on City Hall to contest my third traffic violation in as many months. The hearing officer looked at me crooked-like and grumbled, “You again Slaven?!” “Yes ma’am,” I replied jovially. The case was over a ticket I received for parallel parking in a metered spot that unbeknownst to me, preposterously doubled as a bike lane. I don’t know how many Good Will Huntings Cambridge hired to come up with the trap of inviting unsuspecting commuters to park in clearly designated metered spots only to cite them for obstructing bike lanes, but it was admittedly genius. After I presented my ironcla ..read more

Are you an idiot who is constantly not hearing people despite not having any diagnosable hearing issues? If so, at your disposal is a smorgasbord of phrases prompting clarification for words your brain steadfastly refuses to process. The dilemma that keeps you up at night and causes you to be weary in the morning as you prepare for the shit deluge the day has in store for you, is which phrase to deftly deploy to minimize the embarrassment of getting caught not giving a fuck about anything unrelated to your narcissism. Given the plethora of options—e.g. "excuse me?", "what’s that?", "can you r ..read more

We all hate doing things. Yet there are peculiar people who are brazen enough to attempt to confiscate a chunk of our time. “Let’s hang out and retell the same four stories until the grave paradoxically rescues us from our hell.” “Let's check out that new restaurant so we can lie to our friends about how ‘amazing’ the food is.” Don’t you wish you had a rock solid excuse ready to whip out of the holster and fire at an assailant who’s trying to rope you into a stupid fucking activity? Well, you clicked on the right link. Here are the 5 excuses you can deploy to disarm any nemesis. 1. I’d love t ..read more

, Most people dream of becoming a Russian author. Sadly, their journey is often stymied by the dream’s preposterousness. If, however, you’re undeterred by the opening sentence's false premise, here are the 5 essential qualities that form the bedrock of Russian literature. Note: Unlike the authors profiled in The 5 Worst Writers of All Time, the authors referenced in this article are real, as are the quotes from their works. 1. Characters must hate life Along with his contemporaries Dostoevsky and Tolstoy, Ivan Turgenev (1818-1883) is one of the most popular nineteenth century Russian novelists ..read more

The names of history’s greatest writers are indelibly woven into our cultural tapestry—from Shakespeare to Faulkner, Ihara Saikaku to Richard Wright, our literary icons perennially entertain, fascinate, and inspire. But for every William Shakespeare, there’s a Billy Stillsword—a Shakespeare contemporary whose writing was so atrocious, he was disowned by other children’s parents. Most of these writers have been lost to history—their works mocked and eventually ignored. Yet despite their literary shortcomings, these writers deserve to be remembered. In addition to their notable talent for butch ..read more

If like me or the Congolese lumber supplier I met at Marshalls you love sports, you've probably at some point tuned into sports radio — a form of entertainment featuring a cadre of loudmouth dickheads yelling about sports and reading shitty ads. But there’s a lot more to sports radio than just loudmouth dickheads yelling. It’s an art whose mastery can only be attained by the loudest of yelling dickheads. If you’re an aspiring loudmouth dickhead who is considering a career in insufferability, you should set your beady eyes on sports radio. With a little luck, if you continue being aggressively ..read more

I marched on City Hall to contest my third traffic violation in as many months. The hearing officer looked at me crooked-like and grumbled, “You again Slaven?!” “Yes ma’am,” I replied jovially. The case was over a ticket I received for parallel parking in a metered spot that unbeknownst to me, preposterously doubled as a bike lane. I don’t know how many Good Will Huntings Cambridge hired to come up with the trap of inviting unsuspecting commuters to park in clearly designated metered spots only to cite them for obstructing bike lanes, but it was admittedly genius. After I presented my ironcla ..read more

I marched on City Hall to contest my third traffic violation in as many months. The hearing officer looked at me crooked-like and grumbled, “You again Slaven?!” “Yes ma’am,” I replied jovially. The case was over a ticket I received for parallel parking in a metered spot that unbeknownst to me, preposterously doubled as a bike lane. I don’t know how many Good Will Huntings Cambridge hired to come up with the trap of inviting unsuspecting commuters to park in clearly designated metered spots only to cite them for obstructing bike lanes, but it was admittedly genius. After I presented my ironcla ..read more