While our loved ones are living, we often underestimate how intertwined they may be in our digital devices and platforms. These days, we have them in our car, on our phones, in social media, through multiple chat platforms. With a flick and a touch, we can reach them through multiple ways. Yet when the music stops, that digital convenience takes a toll of its own. In our case, it happened when our father died. It was sudden and it all went down in a three-day span. The immediate aftermath was focused on the obvious next steps: funeral services, financial matters, and government records. In f ..read more

It happens every year. I’m striding past the perfume counter in a department store, or the dairy aisle of the supermarket when I stop suddenly in my tracks, feeling completely disoriented. Something’s out of place and it takes a minute before I can put my finger on it. The clues help. A tower of red and green boxes stacked in the shape of a tree. The premade tube of sugar cookies’ whose wrapper is suddenly green. When telltale notes of the dubious holiday classic, “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” finally waft down from above. And then, I realize…though hardly cold outside, the holidays have arrived ..read more

I was in the kitchen clearing off the plates from our small dinner gathering when a friend pulled me aside and asked in a serious tone how my wife Gail and I were doing. I shared that we were reeling but fighting the good fight, struggling to stay sane and navigate the waves of grief that constantly threatened to overwhelm us. It had only been a few months since both of our beautiful teenage children, Ruby and Hart, were murdered by a drunk driver. He cut me off and asked, more pointedly, “Yeah, but how are you and Gail doing?” Off my confused reaction, he went on to explain that most couple ..read more

I didn’t cry at my father’s memorial service, packed shoulder to sweaty shoulder into an old barn on the outskirts of Reno. I didn’t cry when the barn doors flew open and a dozen of my father’s motorcycle buddies revved their Harleys in a howling display of honor and grief.  I didn’t cry when we scattered his ashes under an evergreen tree with its branches all catawampus at the top, a quirk that reminded my mother and me of my father’s bedhead. I didn’t cry when I got my learner’s permit and took my father’s beloved, silver sports car out for a 100-mph joyride, days before my mother sol ..read more

In the months after my mom, and then, later, Jackie, died, I would catch myself feeling, basically, nothing. It worried me. How could nothingness feel so awful? What kind of a raw deal is that? In grief, you’re either distraught or, if you’re not distraught, you’re feeling guilty that you’re not feeling tormented. Grief counselor Ajita Robinson calls the numbing aspect “a natural and normal part” of grief. It happens frequently in the immediate aftermath of loss. She says that it’s “adaptive,” in that it allows you to function and get through your daily routine, especially if you’re a caregi ..read more

I did not stop moving the first year after my husband died. The kids; the bills; the house; the emails; the cooking; the cleaning; my jobs – I was desperately trying to outrun my grief. It always found me in the car, though, strapped into my seat. “Ema, are you crying again?” my son would ask, as the tears leaked out from behind my sunglasses. “Yes,” I told him. “But I’m okay.” Who had the time to not be okay with so much to do? I didn’t meet my husband until I was thirty, which gave me plenty of time to make and maintain incredible female friendships. These were the women that rallied aroun ..read more

For many of us, the holiday season is a happy and joyful time that we look forward to all year. But after experiencing the death of a loved one, the holidays can be a very difficult time, particularly for children. Being a bereaved parent can be especially challenging because it involves dealing with one’s own grief reactions while also managing your child’s grief. Having worked with many youth who have been significantly impacted by loss – including children whose parents died of COVID, I offer the following five suggestions for how parents and other caregivers can help their grieving ..read more

Foo Fighters drummer Taylor Hawkins’ 16 year old son, Shane, paid tribute to his father during the band’s “My Hero.” (Credit: MTV) Watching the Taylor Hawkins tribute concert online from London, it occurred to me that, aside from Dave Grohl himself, I may be one of the few that remembered the original mega-tribute concert: LiveAid. Thinking about that show, which happened at Wembley Stadium thirty-seven years ago, I realized the importance of what I was currently viewing. I knew how powerful the show’s impact would be. Social media quickly lit up with photos and video clips of performances ..read more

They will tell you to find joy in your memories. This will start immediately in the sympathy cards that wish you this kind of solace. So, yes, you may get out your photo albums of her first year and a half of life and show her how proud he was in that photo where he holds her as a newborn. He is tired from late-night diaper changes and feedings but beaming in the full-length mirror he catches the photo in. Or the one where he is in bed with his eyes closed and she is crawling on him as a toddler touching his facial hair early in the morning. Or the one at her first birthday party where he ne ..read more

With news of Taylor Hawkins’ death at age 50, fans praised his musicianship, his incredible spirit, and his talents behind his Foo Fighters’ drum kit. My thoughts, though, turned to a more intimate legacy: that belonging to Alison Hawkins, a young woman and mother who will forever be known as Taylor Hawkins’ widow. I, too, am a widow. My husband wasn’t a rock star, except to my children and me. But in finding a path for my own journey as a grieving woman, I sought the widows of rock stars and musicians who died young. I’ve met with several, bonding over shared experiences and loss. Though we ..read more