I’ve been sexually intimate in many forms of my body. Pre-anorexic, anorexic, relapse, weight restoring, and throughout weight gain and stabilization in recovery. I thought being in a smaller body would make me more confident. But it didn’t. It made me more more self-conscious and full of self-hate. More aware of the pain that comes with the fragility of my body at a low weight. A weight where it did not belong.I hated the way I looked at my thinnest. Comments were made about how bony my spine and bum were. I shrugged off those comments and hoped that sex would make me feel something. Anything ..read more

My body does not change drastically by the day, hour, or minute. But my perception of it can.Take yesterday for example. It was July 4th - my gal pal’s birthday. We lounged poolside, we drank spiked seltzers, and we giggled endlessly. I absorbed it all: the friendships, the sunshine, the goofy pictures we captured. Documenting an afternoon well spent. I felt secure in my body. In my swim suit. In myself. I felt good. Like, shaking my butt, dancing in the street good.That night - after I’d showered off the Sun Bum I’d been lathered in - I squirmed under the duvet with my fan blasting. My dogs ..read more

Being in recovery from an eating disorder is pretty shitty this time of the year. The Diet Culture bandwagon is rolling through, ehm, everywhere.And Instagram/Facebook/Twitter make it oh so easy to detach from your beautiful life and compare it to that of an image.This is how my last few weeks have gone.While reflecting on my own quiet holiday compared to the extravagant brigades of friends and strangers- I often feel like I am lacking in so many areas. Often this season creates a lot of these stories:“I’m not as pretty as _______”“They are having more fun than I am”“______ has such a glamorou ..read more

Had my first day of school outfit picked out. Had my first Pumpkin Spice Latte of the season. Had my first fall flashback induced emotional breakdown. Had my first thoughts of dropping out. Let the begining of a new school year commence! Leaving Iowa State University before my Junior year began to attend treatment at the Eating Recovery Center (ERC) of Denver left a mental mark on this season. When I close my eyes, I watch the haunting image of my bones peaking out from underneath my tiny blue dress. The lifeless shell that I was throughout Formal Recruitment. Around me the smiles, cheers, hug ..read more

There’s no one way to stay in recovery that works for every individual. But throughout my time in ERC and in the past 3 years of recovery, I’ve come up with a brief synopsis of what works for me.( I’d be stoked to dive in deeper with you via email if you have any more questions about how I have coped with any situations you’ve experienced!)I’ve been asked the following questions:How do you staying recovery? How do you follow your meal plan?What helped you get through weight restoration?How do you deal with other people making comments about their bodies around you?And my only answer is truthfu ..read more

recovery works for you. Truly, it does.January 21-27 of this year I went on my first ever trip out of the United States. I have always held a certain amount of shame around being 24 years old and not having my passport. Alas, I, at 11 months into my 24th year have a passport with a few stamps.Around November 2018, I was having yet ANOTHER quarter-life crisis. My inner dialog, and sorry for those around me but outer dialog, sounded something like this:What am I doing?! Who am I?! How do I view myself?! What am I doing to become her?! Is this dream even logical?! *many tears, many aggressive jou ..read more

Taking my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication is a non negotiable every morning. Just like brushing my teeth. Well, if I’m being honest, taking my meds is more vital than brushing my teeth… I can risk stinky breath (maybe you can’t handle mine and I’m sorry for that) but I cannot risk my mental health. Mental health > Stinky breath. I wanted that to rhyme so badly. I was anti many things when I went into my first round of treatment at ERC. Anti family therapy, anti individual therapy, anti bread, and anti medication. There was a time when I didn’t think that any of these, including brea ..read more

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