Obsession
Steve Carlton Writing
by
3y ago
I wake up at night. It is 2:30 AM and my mind accelerates, as does my heartbeat. There is no point in turning around for another couple of minutes anymore, I won't find any rest.  I go to the bathroom and put in my contact lense and use some eyedrops and sit down in front of my screen. The whole day has revolved around this moment, it is time for playoff basketball and my team is playing. The Toronto Raptors, the underdog from Canada.  Last year, from April through June, was a magical time because we ended up winning the NBA championship. Notice I said "we"?  For somebody living ..read more
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Art or working on yourself
Steve Carlton Writing
by
3y ago
There might be a couple of reasons that have kept me from expressing myself lately. Maybe it was the fact that my operation and recovery took a bigger toll on me than I initially expected they would. This is possible, yet unlikely, since although I was very stressed, I don't think there could have been any long lasting effects due to the sensational recovery. (This is somewhat outdated, but still holds true at the end of the day.) Maybe getting my degree and struggling to find work immediately put me in a bad mental state. I braced myself for circumstances similar to this, but I was hopeful th ..read more
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Darkness or The Workshop
Steve Carlton Writing
by
4y ago
It is a difficult time right now, inside and outside. Many people, I have come to think, might feel about what is going on in the world right now like I feel when I step into my father's old workshop. To give some more perspective: my father was quite a gifted craftsman and carpenter. Alongside his ability to speak and translate many difficult languages, his handiness and general capability contributed to the near perfect image of a male alpha that I was presented with as a child. An imagine I have struggled to live up against from day one, as one-sided and incomplete as it might have been. Fo ..read more
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Change
Steve Carlton Writing
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4y ago
The one thing that has been on my mind the most over the course of the last couple of weeks was, and still is, change. The best way I can describe how it has made me feel like would be to talk about a friend of mine. It is a close friend of mine, one of my best friends in fact, (but) and he is moving away. See, my first instinct was to say "one of my best friends in fact, but he is moving away" because that's how I feel right now or rather have felt for some time now. "..., but he is moving away" implies that our relationship is going to change, which I know it will not. He is not doing someth ..read more
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Integrity or volatile things
Steve Carlton Writing
by
4y ago
From a writer's standpoint I feel like I missed the train right now. It left the station in the moment I got there and now I have to wait for God knows how long to get the next opportunity. In a way this describes the process of being judgemental about one's own work and I wanted to explain how my mind runs in that regard. There have been times where I have been writing on a daily basis, or something close to it, and even though not everything turned into something, the general level of judgement I would bring towards every text was much, much lower than how it would have been, had I not been ..read more
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Relationships
Steve Carlton Writing
by
4y ago
I think in a relationship there needs to be irritation of some sort, be that indecisiveness when in lack of leadership or arguments about differing opinions and maybe even fights. If the destructive potential of these interactions isn't too great, then it releases built-up tension and makes room for new (and maybe familiar) experiences and feelings (that might have been neglected recently) and it is both of that or leads to both of that on its own. If there is a balance between care and irritation, then the relationship is going to be strong enough to withstand obstacles. If one is never chall ..read more
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On Priviledge
Steve Carlton Writing
by
4y ago
I understand that the situation worldwide surrounding COVID-19 is terrible. It is required that people stay home during this time in order to slow down the spread of the pandemic and that is as much attention as I intend to give to this omnipresent topic for now, but even the invasion of my thoughts in the morning, as I write this, is difficult to deal with because I am trying to explain myself in a somewhat chronological fashion and it is bound to come up again in this retrospective practice. There are certain stress related symptoms that I am experiencing again lately. A couple of months ba ..read more
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Focus or rather communication
Steve Carlton Writing
by
4y ago
(A note for anyone who wonders about my approach to writing: Focus on what is bothering you the most, what occupies most of your thoughts, what you most want to say and then start writing. Write that particular problem out, let it go and create some distance so that you may reflect. I do this with just about anything.) A lot sometimes becomes too much all of the sudden. Even not enough can become too much that is on your mind because your head will always look for an excuse to stay comfortable. Mine does at least. The over-arching theme of what has been happening to me lately, in a way, all ..read more
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Conflicted
Steve Carlton Writing
by
4y ago
About two weeks ago I had a doctor's appointment, which from my experience I was expecting to be a lengthier affair. I hadn't seen him in a while and we would always have a lovely chat, yet this last time our business was rather brief and I was surprised to find myself in the middle of an anecdote of mine when there was obviously no reason for me to take up anymore of his time than necessary. The moment became really awkward actually when I quickly wrapped up my tale only to find that his reaction was not how I thought it was going to be and after saying our goodbyes I went home feeling a cert ..read more
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Inside
Steve Carlton Writing
by
4y ago
I can look at people's accounts online that might connect us. I can swipe away until I find you. I can catch glances and smile and yet keep wondering. I can sacrifice hours of my day contemplating what it might mean. Yet I don't want to look inside of me to see what it is that wants to be nurtured. - Tragically we keep looking everywhere that is outside ourselves to find something that makes us whole, that will keep us going and that is great for the moment, but rarely do we find the strength to go and turn the other way and consider. Consider that the outside isn't going to help with this. Th ..read more
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