In an effort to eradicate the virus that has crippled the world, an estimated 900,000 college kids gathered on a Miami beach to let COVID-19 know that it was not welcome. The dumbest march in human historyThe massive crowd, largely made up of college kids whose spring break was cancelled, was organized on Tik Tok by leader @johnnybigballs. “We need to let this dumb piece of shit virus know its not welcome here” Mr. Balls said. “ Its like, totally not cool, that just be ..read more

“Yeah, man looks like someone left the toaster plugged in, blew up the entire island–i don’t know” This was the reason given by Acting Director of the FBI, Johnathan Wright. The island named Little Saint James island, or more aptly titled by the locals “pedophile island” is said to be ground zero for the rapes involving America’s most powerful people. The timing is concerning to some as the island has been subject to multiple raids as authorities continue to search for evidence. However, multiple FBI agents have assured us–and we quote– “IT WAS THE FUCKING TOASTER!” We reached out ..read more

In what will almost certainly change the future of e-commerce for centuries to come, Jeff Bezos, owner of AMAZON (NSDQ:AMZ), has accidentally sold the entire company on Prime day for 17.99$. The Company valued at 1 Trillion dollars, was sold to 22 year old, amateur rap artist, Mikey Schlitz or better known by his rap name Lil Fungus. “I went on Amazon looking for a fire stick and saw a weird posting title Amazon Stock: 17.99$.” said Lil Fungus. “ I’m not big into numbers so I wasn’t sure if 78 Million stocks in Amazon was worth 17.99$ but i had money left on a gift card from my rehab g ..read more

The NBA was rocked last Saturday when the Lakers traded for NBA superstar Anthony Davis. However, that excitement was soon calmed when it was revealed that due to timing the Lakers would only have $23 million in Cap room with only 3 players currently signed. Then out of sheer selflessness and desire to win Lebron James and Anthony Davis restructured their contracts to sign for veteran minimums and free up $83 million in cap space. Absolutely Amazing. In an unrelated story LeBron and Anthony Davis recently sign $30 Million dollar deals to star in Space Jam 2. In what can only be ..read more

An NBA GM who wishes to remain anonymous has admitted today that he simply used ESPN’s mock draft to decide who he will be taking during Thursday’s draft. The Mysterious GM, who is picking 8th in this years NBA draft, admitted that its pretty well established the order that players should be picked and who’s the best talent so there’s no need to go through, and its worth noting that he actually used his own air quotes for this next part, “workouts” and “combine shit”. Logo for team of Anonymous GM The GM who’s name will not be revealed, who’s roster currently consists o ..read more

Alex Morgan will miss her World Cup Match against Chile this Sunday after she failed to get her shift at Applebee’s covered. Morgan who has been working at Applebee’s for the last 8 years to cover expenses believe she had her shift covered but when Beth, a single mother of 3, twisted her ankle on a Lego, she could no longer cover the shift. Morgan tried to convince her manager to allow 17-year old Tina Brown to cover the shift but Tina has just started and had not completed the 3-week mandatory training for all Applebee’s employee’s to undergo before conducting a solo shift. Alex Morg ..read more

     On June 9th, 2019 the Toronto Sheriff’s department released the an updated police sketch rendering of the man they believe to be responsible for dozens of strangle deaths in the Toronto Area over the last 20 years. Many have been quick to point out it looks suspiciously like Golden State Warriors star guard Steph Curry.      The sketch was complied by the combined descriptions of over 8,000 witnesses who have come forward over the last 2 weeks. “ I’ve been meaning to come forward but I just been busy however I clearly remember it being a 6’4” bi-racial slender man, with feminin ..read more

     Kawhi Leonard, arguably the best player in the league and leader of the Eastern Conference champion Toronto Raptors sent shock waves through the league earlier today when he posted his resume on the popular job hosting site Indeed.com.      In what is a short and shockingly poorly written Resume, Kawhi’s resume does not appear that enticing to future employers.      We asked an anonymous employer who view Kawhi’s resume on why he passed, he revealed“ Welp, while he did have impressive basketball experience, his listed skills as “ Big Hands, Shot blocking, and Lockdown Defense do ..read more

CNN has obtained a new report showing that Seal Team Six, the ultra elite and high level group of trained assassins that carried out the Raid on the compound that killed Osama Bin Laden was partly made up by all 5 members of the Backstreet Boys.CNN’s Anderson Cooper was able to obtain confidential documents that showed all the names of those involved on the raid that murky night in May 2011. Curiously,  5of those 13 names Cooper saw were  Nick Carter, Brian Littrell, Howie Dorough, Kevin Richardson, and AJ Mclean. Too Big to be a coincidence CNN reached out to Senior White House Milit ..read more

     In a stretch of dominance that may never be seen again Smarty Jones, born Horse #678-92, has won the Kentucky derby for the 15th year in a row. In a race that is dominated by 3 year olds an 18 year old Smarty Jones winning is truly hard to believe.      “At an age where most race horses have been dead for 7 years, to win the derby just shows how dedicated this horse is to greatness” said Tom Jansen, Smarty’s trainer of 10 years”. “When most horses are relaxing, eating hay, and being put out to stud, Smarty is in the weight room, getting in those hoof presses and horse leg training ..read more