Michael D Higgins has hailed Ireland’s Eurovision entry qualifying for Saturday’s final as an historic night for Ireland. President Higgins was in attendance last night at the Malmo Arena in Sweden and was seen jumping for joy when Ireland was named as one of the finalists. The President, who is a huge admirer of Bambi Thug, said he always believed in the song Doomsday Blue and never doubted it would reach the final. “It’s a mighty song. Great stuff altogether. I’d describe it as gothic-metal with a touch of electro-pop. Very powerful. It makes Metallica sound like Mary Poppins.” However, Arch ..read more

The number of people at mass today was up 900% on the usual Sunday attendance figures as children who are due to receive their first holy communion this month were forced to attend, mostly for the first time ever. Mass attendance figures jump considerably every year in the lead up to first holy communions and confirmations and then plummet back down to their usual abysmal numbers for the rest of the year. We asked Tracey Coughlan, who brought her son Jack to mass in Tullamore this morning for the first time why she went. “Ah sure you have to. Just to keep the priest happy. Jack’s getting his f ..read more

A student protest about former footballer Paul “Gazza” Gascoigne is continuing to take place today at Trinity College in Dublin. Protesters say they will continue protesting until Trinity College honours the former England international by presenting him with the prestigious Fellowship of Trinity Award. Student’s union spokesperson Tristan Robinson explained. “Gazza brought so much joy to the world not only with his football, but also with his high jinx and shenanigans. He was always up to some sort of mischief and giving everyone a good laugh and if there’s one thing the world needs right now ..read more

Centra is set introduce priority and non-priority queues at their deli counters nationwide from next week, with the price of joining the priority queue set at €5. The move follows a trial run at Flynn’s Centra in Tullamore after a number of incidents in recent weeks involving people in a hurry and others who don’t seem to give a shite about the lengthy queues building up behind them. In one reported incident, local carpenter Eamon O’Toole ended up punching the head off farmer Henry Jockins after Mr Jockins took 15 minutes to choose bacon and cabbage for his take-away dinner. In that time a que ..read more

Much loved Irish television soap Glenroe is coming back to our screens this autumn but RTE bosses say the new series will bare little resemblance to what fans remember. Many things have changed beyond all recognition in rural Ireland since the days when Biddy and Miley used to appear on our TV’s every Sunday evening and producer Deirdre Wells said it’s their duty to reflect those changes. “Portraying anywhere in modern Ireland that’s full of white Irish people would be just silly. A few familiar characters are back but there are lots of new additions to the village, including 200 African men w ..read more

In a desperate bid to deter migrants from coming to Ireland to claim asylum, the government has threatened to send each and every one of them to Roscommon. Having spent the last year calling protesters far-right and racist, the government has done a complete u-turn and now supports them. Taoiseach Simon Harris told reporters during a press conference today “As Irish patriots continue to protest nationwide against these freeloaders coming into our country, today we unveil the Roscommon Relocation Plan.” Mr Harris said even genuine asylum seekers thinking of coming here should seriously think ag ..read more

A local barman has said he has a good feeling about a very friendly customer who recently began coming into the pub where he works. Jack Molloy works in Spollen’s in Tullamore and told us the lady, who goes by the name of Martha, sits at the bar during every shift he works from the time he starts until he finishes up. “It’s like she’s always there. She’s very friendly and chatty. I’d say she’s great craic. She’s Scottish and used to live in London but had to leave there because of some guy. She said he was a peeping Tom and wouldn’t leave her alone. The poor girl.” Jack said Martha wandered in ..read more

Minister for Justice Helen McEntee has admitted that more than 80 per cent of people applying for asylum here are coming from Britain via Northern Ireland. Miss McEntee was asked this morning if the government has totally lost control of this situation. “No. Yes. Maybe. I don’t know. Please stop asking me questions. How would you like it if I kept asking you questions? I wanted to be Minister for Sport you know. Something nice like that. This is horrible.” Former Taoiseach Leo Varadkar constantly claimed during debates on the subject that we don’t have an open border policy, completely forgett ..read more

There’s anger among gobshites everywhere this evening after it was announced that a Garda who shot a man who was trying to stab him won’t be prosecuted. The DPP made the ruling following an investigation into the fatal shooting of George Nchenko in Dublin three and a half years ago. Nchenko had just robbed a local shop at knife point and slashed the face of a member of staff when Gardai caught up with him outside his house in Clonee. Despite being asked repeatedly to drop his weapon and being pepper sprayed, Nchenko lunged at Gardai and tried to stab them before the fatal shot was fired. There ..read more

Minister for Justice Helen McEntee has admitted that more than 80 per cent of people applying for asylum are coming here from Britain via Northern Ireland. Whenever debating the issue in the past, former Taoiseach Leo Varadkar constantly claimed that we don’t have open borders, completely forgetting about the one up the road. Helen McEntee was asked this morning if the government has totally lost control of this situation. “No. I don’t think so. Well, maybe. I’m not sure. Perhaps. Or perhaps not. I really don’t know. I wanted to be Minister for Sport you know. Something nice like that. This is ..read more