A Phoenix, Arizona woman has officially declared Valentine’s Day the worst holiday of all time now that she’s no longer dating. Formerly her favorite holiday of the year, Valentines is now a stark reminder that Kelly Dubison is an insufferable wench.   “I used to love Valentines,” said Dubison. “But now that I’m alone, I think it’s really dumb… like why do we have to see all these happy couples posting pictures on Instagram? Don’t they know how miserable I am? Like… I don’t have anyone to go out to dinner with. I just have to sit at home and look at everyone else’s perfect relationship. I ..read more

Several United States colleges have announced they will begin offering degrees in celebrity cancellation for the 2022 fall semester. The idea was first proposed by University of State Tech University President, William Washaway after hundreds of students occupied the dean’s office demanding more opportunities for celebrity destruction. “It was impossible to ignore,” said Washaway. “You could hear the chants all across campus. “WHO’S NEXT!? I DON’T KNOW! WHAT DO WE WANT!? FOR THEM TO GO!” I thought, wow… this seems really important to the students. That kind of vision, to be able to know someon ..read more

Jeremy Spunkle, an open mic musician from Chattanooga, Tennessee, has decided to remove his only song from Spotify in protest of Joe Rogan. Spunkle joins Neil Young, Jodi Mitchell, and some guy from Bruce Springsteen’s band in solidarity against people talking to each other for three hours. “It’s just terrible,” said Spunkle. “He has these guests on and they talk about things for two, three, sometimes even four hours. Nobody should be allowed to talk that long. I’ve never listened to an episode myself, but it’s just so upsetting to know he’s out there speaking like that. I know for a fact he’s ..read more

Football legend Tom Brady has officially announced his retirement from the NFL. The seven-time Super Bowl champion and greatest quarterback of all time will step down after twenty-two seasons in the league to pursue a caretaking position for former teammate, Antonio Brown. “It’s bittersweet,” said Brady. “There’s been so many special moments on the field, and I’ll miss that. But something I’ve learned over the years is the truly special moments in life come off the field. Taking care of Antonio Brown over the last year has been the most rewarding experience of my life. We brought him in and he ..read more

Antonio Brown has announced that he is taking legal action against himself. The former Tampa Bay receiver and Campbell’s soup advocate is suing on grounds of workplace misconduct and psychological abuse. “I’ve just had enough of this man, man. You’re gonna see. You’re gonna see who the real Antonio Brown is when this all comes out. The people that know me, know me,” said Brown. Brown was released by the Buccaneers just days after head coach Bruce Arians claimed he was “no longer a Buc,” sending social media into a frenzy. Many have claimed that Brown has not been the same since taking a hit by ..read more

In desperate need of a fresh halftime performance, the NFL has announced that Derrick Henry will make his musical debut by performing a solo on his ACL guitar at the Titans game against the Bengals. The strings are made entirely of NFL defenders’ shredded ligaments, the neck made out of various bone fragments, and the guitar body a collection of MRI images of players’ brains. A collage of artistic brilliance, the guitar is said to be worth about 93 souls, all of which you can hear screaming for help with every strum. Henry, who hasn’t played in a game since Halloween, says he’s excited for the ..read more

A Florida man has ended his own life after his iPhone ran out of battery during a routine poo in his Tallahassee home. Unable to bear his own thoughts for more than fifteen seconds, the Leon County resident went into immediate panic after the screen went dark. “I heard him scream from the other side of the house,” his wife Margaret said. “What am I supposed to just FUCKING SIT HERE!? I didn’t think too much of it at first. He has a bit of a short temper, but when I heard a loud thump I knew something more was going on. When I tried to call him from the living room and it went straight to voice ..read more

Everyone born before 1971 has been fired from their job for transphobic comments made in the past, after the New New York Times published an exposé released by some guy with nothing better to do. “This is a day to remember in history,” said the shman, who declined to be identified by name, demanding only to be referred to as “the shman.” “If you’re not an ally, you’re a bigot. The world needs to know how much hate their neighbors possess. This exposé proves that if you’re trans, everyone hates you. People might worry about the entire global economy collapsing and society falling into a state o ..read more

As Texas residents continue to scramble for warmth and water amidst an unprecedented winter storm, a new and perhaps more frightening danger looms over the state. Just minutes before sunrise, the Gomez family of Waco, Texas was awakened to what was described by neighboring residents as “a soul-piercing screech from hell.” “I was just doing some calisthenics in the basement when all of a sudden I felt my soul shake,” said Ryan Gobstein, neighbor to the fallen Gomez family. “I didn’t hear anything at first. I was holding on to the pull-up bar and I felt it rip right through me. I had the sudden ..read more

After recently overtaking Jeff Bezos as the richest man in the world, Elon Musk has wasted no time looking for new ways to expand his global reach. The world-renowned owner of companies such as Tesla and SpaceX, Musk was seen attempting to purchase Bezos’ company through the site itself. Stopping for his usual morning coffee at a favorite café in Austin, Texas, local resident Benny Shleem noticed Musk sitting in the corner with his laptop open. “It was a total shock.” said Shleem. “I never expected to see Elon Musk, the richest man in the world, just sitting right there. I was curious about wh ..read more