WASHINGTON, DC – In a surprising turn of events, a group of Americans has launched a GoFundMe campaign to bribe Senator Ted Cruz to permanently move to Cancún, Mexico. The campaign has already raised over $50,000 and is quickly gaining traction. The campaign was started by a group of frustrated Americans who were fed up with Cruz’s constant political posturing and grandstanding. They felt that if they could get Cruz to permanently move to Cancún, they would be better off without him. “We just can’t take it anymore,” said campaign organizer, Karen Johnson. “Ted Cruz is always causing trouble a ..read more

EAST PALESTINE, OH – in a stunning display of modern transportation technology, the small town of East Palestine, Ohio has managed to achieve the impossible: a rail disaster that is simultaneously tragic and hilarious. Eyewitnesses report that the disaster began when a train traveling through the town suddenly derailed, sending several cars careening off the tracks and into a nearby ravine. Local authorities were quick to respond, and emergency services rushed to the scene to help any injured passengers. But as the dust settled and the extent of the damage became clear, it soon became apparen ..read more

(Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images) NEW YORK, NY – In a move that has surprised investors, former Turing Pharmaceuticals CEO Martin Shkreli was named the CEO of drugmaker Pfizer on Friday. The announcement comes just days before the Fortune 500 company is expected to announce a record-breaking third quarter profits. Best known for founding Turning Pharmaceuticals and investing heavily in the AIDS treatment Daraprim, Shkreli, affectionately known as PharmaBro, has become legendary within the drug industry for taking a unique approach to research and development as well as marketing. “He’s a pol ..read more

LONDON, ENGLAND – Family members and fans of the late disco superstar Donna Summers are furious after Rolling Stone UK published a cover story naming former One Direction heartthrob Harry Styles the new Queen of Disco. “My aunt didn’t work and sacrifice her entire life to have her legacy erased by a guy from a boy band,” said rapper O’Mega Red, nephew of Summer. “I’m sure he’s super talented, but give him his own title. There will only ever be one Queen of Disco, and that’s Donna Summer.” Donna Summer rose to fame in the 1970s and is best known for disco hits Hot Stuff and I Feel Love. Rollin ..read more

GEORGETOWN, DE – Citing his displeasure with the Court’s decision to hear a lawsuit filed by the social media giant Twitter to force him to honor a purchase agreement made in April, Elon Musk has entered a $44 billion deal to purchase the Delaware Court of Chancery from the state. “I believe that that the Court [of Chancery] has limitless potential, but is being bogged down by narrow minded judges and frivolous lawsuits such as that between Twitter, which is a bot-ridden wasteland, and X holdings. I just want to clean up some inefficiencies with the Court, make settlements payable with Doge ..read more

WASHINGTON, DC – Republican lawmakers, including Colorado Representative Lauren Boebert (R-03) are calling for a reversal of the decades-old ban on lawn darts. “We live in a country where semi-automatic rifles are completely legal and a children’s back yard game is illegal, just because a few kids got killed. It’s nonsense,” explained Boebert, adding “the United States Constitution says clearly that Americans have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, and playing a game of lawn darts makes people happy.” Lawn Darts, which reportedly caused thousands of injuries in the 1970s ..read more

UVALDE, TX – Texas Senator Ted Cruz paid tribute to the victims of a mass shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde Tuesday that killed fourteen students and one teacher saying “I know the loss must be unimaginable for the families of these children, but we can take solace in our heart of hearts that little Kaylee and her classmates would have grown up to have a deep respect for the Constitution of the United States, specifically the second amendment, had they not been so senselessly gunned down by a psychotic 18 year old with easy access to firearms.” Texas Governor Greg Abbott echoed Cru ..read more

WASHINGTON, DC – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has suggested that mothers unable to purchase baby formula consider feeding their infants ice cream as a temporary measure until the United States supply of formula stabilizes. “When you look at the ingredients – milk, protein, carbohydrates, healthy fats – there’s not a whole lot of difference between Häagen-Dazs and Similac,” explained Pelosi. Since March, availability of baby formula has dwindled due to regulatory and supply-chain issues, raising concern among lawmakers and parents alike. “Let the babies eat ice cream,” added Pelosi. As of press ..read more

WASHINGTON, DC – According to a leaked memo, Republican lawmakers are planning to introduce legislation that will mandate women of reproductive age who have not had a child within the past five years become pregnant or have a fetus forcibly inserted into their uterus. “To sustain the human population, we need people, and we get people by having babies,” explained the bill’s sponsor Senator Ted Cruz, for whom the plan is named, adding “for far too long, women have been ripping babies out of their uteruses and tossing them in dumpsters behind Planned Parenthood clinics. Now, it’s time for the g ..read more

LOS ANGELES, CA – Upon learning through leaked documents that the Supreme Court intends to overturn the landmark abortion-rights case Roe v Wade, desperate liberals are pleading with actress Susan Sarandon to uphold the 1973 ruling. Generally understood as the most powerful woman in America, pundits have long credited Susan Sarandon’s refusal to support Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election as the sole reason the former Secretary of State lost the election to reality TV star Donald Trump, thus paving the way for a more conservative Supreme Court. Molly Knight, a senior staff write ..read more