It keeps GOING
The MS Muse
by The MS Muse
6M ago
If I were, am, to do and be the woman I dream myself to be I need to get my shit together and start setting and being on a routine. This shit is hard. But I won’t see or be the growth I need if I CAN NOT be consistent. I need to stop running and handle business. That was oldAshley, before insomnia, depression, anxiety, bladder dysfunction. Given my luck, this is the easy part. 90 percent of this blog is to “yes,” serve as encouragement to you, even above my bullshitbut even a year later I go through moments of disbelief. “How did I?” It’s a long way back from despair. Will I allow myself to ma ..read more
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Ailments of ignorance
The MS Muse
by The MS Muse
7M ago
Out of annoyance: my family (if I must call them that) is the ignorances. My grandmother was talking to me on the phone and chuckled “the difference between you and me is, I wasn’t pregnant in a wheelchair ???. B E T. So out of extreme annoyance I wrote her a letter. In which I addressed her dumb ass comment. “Correction, the difference between you and I is I had a child with my husband, something you never had, and you gave Michael (my dad) to  your mom, because you couldn’t raise him. I’m not doing that. Ever. Be well, APIII” Have yet to receive a call  A verbal discussion is to be ..read more
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The Chair
The MS Muse
by The MS Muse
1y ago
Yes, here we go again. ?️ Two years ago I fell asleep on the floor and woke up with one operating leg and the other semi-operating. Then, I told my guy to spray paint the walker gold. Because why not? Disability is handled in a myriad of ways. I handle mine best in gold ??‍♀️.  The destruction of myelin and miscommunication of my brain to my spine  put me here. Medicine today is saying “wait for prescriptions or surgeries to catch up to determine if you can ever walk again” ?.  I’ve been learning more into the Bible (old Ashley would never) and wholistic measures. I take too man ..read more
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Consistency
The MS Muse
by The MS Muse
1y ago
Consistency is steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, and form. My legs have made this disabled journey a pain. They’ve been bruised beyond third-degree and in the a past three years lesions on my spine have caused me to loose my 6’1” stature. Though science has not produced a medicine to get me back on my feet, there is something nagging at me to find consistency. I have great ideas, but much does not get delivered because I am not consistent.  In 2024, I would like to nail down consistency to see where it can take me. With grad school, being a wife, now a mom, working out ..read more
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NEVER in this life
The MS Muse
by The MS Muse
1y ago
When I was Dx with MS in 2017, I thought that was IT.  Thoughts of feeling less than ✅. Thoughts of suicide ✅. Ready to be done with EVERYTHING ✅. Never did I imagine using a wheelchair.  E V E R‼️ Now I’m here and these are the trials that keep mounting up.  I keep saying “I am TIRED of being one of God’s strongest soldiers❗️” This shit here is NOT for the meek. I’m told “you’re a warrior,” “you stand so strong.”  Damnit I have nothing else to fall on except myself. I don’t want anyone else to go through my hell herr on earth  ☄️ ?. Never in this life have I fought so ..read more
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The Neighbor
The MS Muse
by The MS Muse
1y ago
With this disease I use to think I was cursed. Nothing in this life could prepare me for this journey. I’m excited and can’t wait to birth my baby Q. I can not wait to physically SEE him as opposed to feeling him navigate through this time around in my stomach. It My organs have been pushed around enough and am crying for relief. I woke up in March throwing up manically. I knew “something was off!” and immediately told the husband “get a test ?❗️”. My Primary sent me to an OB office, where I concluded, “something is wrong, but I’m not pregnant ?. I can’t be! Eight months later ?. I’m not eati ..read more
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[My]Suicide Awareness
The MS Muse
by The MS Muse
1y ago
A couple of years ago, I posted about Kate Spade’s suicide  in “To the late Kate Spade, I was you.”  Then, suicide was an attempt that would creep up in my mind when battling this disease OFTEN. Being diagnosed at 25 haunted me. I hated that my life was now wrapped around my body, breaking down and unable to repair itself ?. Six years later, I am smashing through every possible resource in hopes that someone, something, can navigate my brain back to my legs. I have lost half of my body. At this point, it’s “by any means necessary” that I will find my way back to walking again. I was ..read more
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Give me 5m
The MS Muse
by The MS Muse
1y ago
I have yet, in my six (6) years in the MS space, met the same MS’r with my symptoms. In anger, I dispiss this disease so much and understand the basics as to why a cure can’t not won’t be found. This disease morphs from one body to the next and it is infuriating to pinpoint certain symptoms in order to find a therapy or some damn relief. Takes a deep breathe, comes back. Let me retype, I have never met anyone yet with my same symptoms. I have met women that I found I encourage and encourage me in this tedious journey called our lives. I started out angered, then felt the need for pea ..read more
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To be faithful
The MS Muse
by The MS Muse
1y ago
To be faithful, while battling the crippling symptoms of MS ? ? ? that is determination. By definition faithful is to be: reliable, trusted, or believed, true to one's word, promises, and vows.  I am faithful in my daily life amongst family, friends, and work. When it comes to religion…? I claim Christianity, but God and I have been on separate sides since growing up with an unemotional father and selfish egg donor. Life was hard. Growing up with a these types of people who used God as an excuse for their ways made me hate religion and question,  “WHY AM I HERE?” It was never ea ..read more
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T R A U M A Z I N E
The MS Muse
by The MS Muse
1y ago
In review of my life with this dangerous brain disease, I realize my “work, work mentality” aided me in being in a wheelchair.  RRMS hates stress, hates conflict, where I took and take it on relentlessly. This has bit me in the ass, by causing more lesions in my brain and disconnecting my brain from communicating with my lower body ?‍?. It pains me to not be able to use my legs. To be a hardline victum to this miserable disease. But I now have answers. I now seek to find solutions for how am I to get back to my legs? How am I to be better with what I now know about myself. This journ ..read more
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