Benzo withdrawal is no joke
Bethy Bright and Dark
by Bethy
2w ago
I was prescribed Klonipin back in 2015 after first being diagnosed with MS. This was even before most of my symptoms got angry and went bezerk. I hadn’t even been diagnosed with primary progressive MS yet but was stumbling around in the dark about this very scary new illness. My doctor at the time thought ..read more
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Let’s talk about sleep
Bethy Bright and Dark
by Bethy
1M ago
I’ve been having trouble sleeping. It’s as simple as that. Sleep was never a problem for me before. I would just lay my head down and go to sleep mostly because I was so tired just from existing with this disease. Lately I can’t get through a night without taking more pills to help me ..read more
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Learning to live with discomfort
Bethy Bright and Dark
by Bethy
2M ago
In my dreams I can walk. I’m going to tell you a story about a dream I had recently wherein I could walk.  I have these dreams often. They’re often like epic movies so chock full of detail I am disoriented for a good hour after I awaken. I wonder where I am. I once ..read more
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Remember who you are, Bethy
Bethy Bright and Dark
by Bethy
4M ago
When I first became disabled, I was often caught in a state of total identity confusion. All of the sudden all of the things that I thought made me me were changing. “Remember who you are,” people always told me. They meant that even though I had been diagnosed with a chronic progressive illness and ..read more
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Discovery amongst the darkness
Bethy Bright and Dark
by Bethy
6M ago
I’ve been deep in it y’all. In my feelings. In the dark. In the angsty weeds. I’ve already had the mid-life crisis we’re all told to expect but this has been different. “You have a disease but don’t forget who you are.” It’s a popular trope in the chronic illness community implying that somehow somewhere ..read more
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I wrote this in May 2021
Bethy Bright and Dark
by Bethy
8M ago
I wrote this in my journal in 2021 and I read it again tonight and it made me think irrelevant it still is so I’m going to copy and paste it here in this space that I’ve ignored for so long. I’m reminding myself in writing today. Bad feelings are completely normal in my situation. Feeling anxious and unsure is pretty much how anyone would feel in this situation and medicating my unpleasant feelings away doesn’t have to be the answer. I can do hard things. This, this getting through a day with the buzzing in my head and the fear in my heart and the random twitch in my right leg and the pains in ..read more
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Let’s talk about pee, baby
Bethy Bright and Dark
by Bethy
10M ago
All homage due to Salt ‘n Pepa, talking about pee probably isn’t as fun or interesting to most folks as talking about sex, but hey. I never claimed to write about fun topics, did I? For those who don’t know already, I have what’s called a suprapubic catheter. For folks not in the know, I am unable to stand up. The catheter allows me to avoid getting on and off a sit-to-stand lift to pee a million times a day due  my neurogenic bladder. As with most things, this convenience comes with strange associations and for me, obsessions. The pee in the bag haunts me. Is there enough? Is there too m ..read more
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Harsh realities… Life brings it
Bethy Bright and Dark
by Bethy
11M ago
I continue to try to focus on gratefulness. I continue to try to force myself to focus on the long-term game. Not this week. Not this month. Hell, not even this year. So that years from now when these years will be the ones I look back on I will be able to say to myself, “Man that was hard, but I made it.” And I continue to fail. Every day, as I try to focus on gratefulness, I find myself in tears because I want to be a better person than I am. I wanna be the kind of person who can find beauty in pain. Peace in chaos. Joy in misery. Every day I try to be the type of person who wants to continu ..read more
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Mindless late-night ramblings
Bethy Bright and Dark
by Bethy
1y ago
Sometimes I don’t wanna go to sleep because I’m afraid that when I wake up, whichever of my caregivers who is supposed to be there to help me isn’t going to be there. This happens more often than I would like. It’s unavoidable. People have lives. Things go wrong in the lives of my caregivers that are unforeseen and unintended and have nothing to do with me. But they affect me. These things that are unforeseen that go wrong in other peoples lives affect me directly and sometimes in ways that feel tragic at the time. I know in my head they’re not tragic. They just feel that way at the time – I’m ..read more
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Hi. My name is Beth. Maybe you remember me?
Bethy Bright and Dark
by Bethy
1y ago
I know it’s been a very long time. I’m not here to review my struggles over the last few months since last I wrote because things really haven’t changed much. Quick recap maybe? I suppose it’s probably best to write an entry with some context so things make more sense, so here we go… I am a full-time power wheelchair user. I can no longer stand. Because of the no-standing thing I have state-subsidized caregivers 16 hours a day who help me move my person from place -to-place (the program for this funding is called ACT 150 if you ever find yourself in need in the state of PA). These caregivers u ..read more
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