The city council of Amsterdam has announced a “stay away” advertising campaign that will run in the UK to discourage British men from visiting. Speaking as a Brit that has lived in Amsterdam for almost twenty years, I feel that I’m suitably qualified to advise my countrymen on why they should definitely stay away from Amsterdam! 1. They Speak Dutch here Believe it or not, Amsterdam is full of people who speak……………Dutch! There was a time when the locals were happy to patronise English speakers with their self-perceived flawless grasp of the English language. Indeed, it wasn’t uncommon for Dutch ..read more

Congratulations to Dutch drummer and member of the rock group Krezip, who will join U2 as their temporary drummer for their US tour. Larry Mullen, U2’s drummer, will undergo an operation and need time to recover, so Bram Van den Berg will take his place. Van den Berg has been plucked from the relative obscurity of the Dutch rock music scene to play with one of the most famous bands in the world. Like many people worldwide, my initial reactions to this news were, “Bram van who?, How? Kre what?” A cynic might say that as U2 have their business registered in Amsterdam to reduce their tax liabilit ..read more

The Shallow Man provides Femke Halsema, Mayor of Amsterdam, with some much-needed advice on how to reduce tourism in Amsterdam Five ways to reduce tourism in Amsterdam Dear Femke, As the good people of the Netherlands allow me to vote in your local elections, I feel that I have the right to provide you with some direct and unsolicited advice. (How Dutch of me ? ) It’s very clear that you have an incredibly provinciaal mindset. Goed zo meid! You appear determined to turn Amsterdam into some dull as-dishwater village in het platteland. Well, here are five ways to do that easily. No need to thank ..read more

An extensive survey in the Netherlands revealed that 99% of Dutch people angrily using the term ‘woke’ have no clue what it actually means. Below I’ve published some of the answers from the survey respondents. (Translated from Dutch) Liselotte F, Utrecht “Because of woke, we’re no longer allowed to call Black Friday Black Friday. Well, I still call it Black Friday. I don’t care about being woke.” Interviewer “You still call it Black Friday, as well as Amazon, Bol.com, Cool Blue, The Hema, De Bijenkorf. In fact, EVERYONE still calls it Black Friday.” Liselotte F, Utrecht “You see, you’re just r ..read more

In what will not be a surprise to residents of this wonderful country, the Netherlands has been ranked as having the highest quality of life in the world by Numbeo. To discuss the results, I interviewed Professor Anouk van de Witte Dorp from the University of Groningen. Professor van de Witte Dorp “Professor, you’ve put together a list of five reasons why the Netherlands has the highest quality of life in the world. Please explain” 1. Healthcare The Dutch healthcare system is envied throughout the world. In the Netherlands, we save billions of euros a year by doing the following: Charging all ..read more

Police detained a school pupil today after he arrived at an exclusive school in Amsterdam Zuid not using a Van Moof e-bike. Dat was niet de bedoeling! You obviously don’t go to this school with your kut pushbike. U bent aangehouden! The pupil had just moved to the Netherlands from the UK. Sadly, his parents were unaware that while using Van Moof e-bikes is not mandatory for school pupils in Amsterdam Zuid, not having one is suspicious behaviour. The Headmistress of the school “Obviously, it was a huge misunderstanding. But being Dutch we at the school have no intention of apologising. I mean y ..read more

Amsterdam bike lane users were shocked and dismayed as the police actually did their jobs and fined people! Amsterdam Bike Lane users are usually above the laws of man and god As the man caught by his wife in bed with two women said,  “let me provide some context”. Everyone that has ever cycled in Amsterdam knows that the 11th commandment is “blessed are the cyclists for they are holy and above the laws of man and god”.  So it’s incredible that the police actually decided to apply the law to bike lane users. Statement from the Amsterdam Police Having finally carried out the job they ..read more

A Dutch couple has no regrets after spending their life savings on fireworks for New Year’s Eve. In fact, they would do the same thing all over again. Joris and Anouk (names changed to protect their identities) are a young Dutch couple living (for the moment) in Amsterdam East. Here is their story. Fireworks are a traditie in Nederland. Joris: “I met Anouk on Tinder during the lockdown. I mean, there wasn’t much choice available as everything was closed, so she had to do. Ha, ha, ha.” Anouk : “Je bent zo een stomme eikel!”. Joris laughs and claims it was just a bit of Dutch humour, and he was ..read more

Deliveroo is closing down in the Netherlands. My keyboard is covered in tears. It’s appalling that forward-thinking entrepreneurs have been forced, yes forced to stop doing business in this country due to silly rules protecting sub-contractors from being exploited. Deliveroo Closure Announcement Email (What they really would like to say) Dear Shallow Man, We wrote to you in August to tell you the difficult news that we had commenced consultation on our proposals to exit the Netherlands. We have now completed the consultation process and have taken the decision to proceed with our proposals. As ..read more

Xenophobia and nimbyism have led to a two-tier Dutch refugee policy with women and children and the most vulnerable sleeping in the open air. The Shocking Hypocrisy of Dutch Refugee Policy If there’s one thing that the Shallow Man has learned during his years of living in the Netherlands is that the Dutch are never rude, just direct. This post will show how well I’ve integrated. As in this post, I intend to be as direct as the Dutch. You know who If I mention that Dutch refugee policy favours people from a certain Eastern European country fleeing the invasion and bombing from a neighbouring co ..read more