The Onion » Sports
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The Onion » Sports
11m ago
Rather than specify that a government, army, or police officer killed civilians, many news outlets prefer merely to say that those civilians “were killed.” The Onion investigates the pros and cons of using the passive voice in journalism.
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The Onion » Sports
8h ago
PHILADELPHIA—Triumphantly punching through the air as they dodged an imaginary foe, the shadowboxing nation confirmed this week that they had just rewatched 1979’s Rocky II. “God, the part where Rocky’s training right-handed instead of southpaw—oh, and then the chicken-chasing scene! Man, young Sly always hits…
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The Onion » Sports
8h ago
SAN JOSE, CA—Touting it as the perfect solution for conveying enormous quantities of computer files over farmlands and dirt roads, Western Digital introduced a SanDisk flash wheelbarrow Thursday for hauling 5,000 terabytes of data. “With durable wood handles and a sturdy tire for navigating uneven terrain, the SanDisk…
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The Onion » Sports
9h ago
The House Ethics Committee has reportedly interviewed witnesses about Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) attending a house party with minors, alcohol, and illicit drugs. The Onion asked teenagers what it was like to party with Matt Gaetz, and this is what they said.
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The Onion » Sports
9h ago
The Federal Trade Commission has barred employers from including noncompete clauses, which prevent individuals for leaving the company to work for a competitor for certain lengths of time, in their employees’ contracts, in an effort to increase wages and competition. What do you think?
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The Onion » Sports
9h ago
OLATHE, KS—Assuaging a client’s concerns about a potential problem with their heating and cooling system, local HVAC technician Frank Legrand confirmed Thursday that the random clanking noise the homeowner was hearing at night was merely the normal sound of a pervert’s erection hitting an air duct. “In an old house…
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The Onion » Sports
9h ago
LINCOLN, NE—Warning that crime among the nation’s youth was spiraling out of control, law enforcement officials told reporters Thursday that hundreds of teenage shoplifters had gotten their hands on Nebraska and managed to run off with the entire state. “Last night, a large group of teens loitering near the Iowa…
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The Onion » Sports
23h ago
Following the arrest of 100 Columbia University students, dozens more pro-Palestinian protests have sprung up across the country, even as the school year winds to a close. What do you think?
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The Onion » Sports
1d ago
MIDDLETOWN, OH—Shocked by the trove of mysterious compositions, household sources revealed Wednesday that a bench near the piano had been secretly hiding several books about music. “My God—ragtime classics, Disney favorites, A Charlie Brown Christmas—does anyone else know about this?” said one source, marveling over…
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The Onion » Sports
1d ago
PARADISE, NV—Expressing bewilderment at the utter lack of spectacle during the jam band’s four-night run in the state-of-the-art entertainment arena, disappointed Phish fans confirmed this week that they were really expecting more from the Sphere’s visuals than a projection of the group’s website URL. “Given what a…
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