Tom Cruise was AWOL from the Oscars as he was needed elsewhere to protect the Earth from a threatened alien invasion. “We in Scientology Intelligence received a credible report that the Fifth Invader Force was going to invade Earth during the Oscars,” said Ensign Irma Bautista. “Therefore, COB ordered Tom Cruise to skip the Oscars and protect the Earth because only Tom Cruise can protect us.” “Tom Cruise fended off the Fifth Invader Force attack and Earth remains safe for now ..read more

Who’s laughing now Mr. Joke Man? While out to get coffee, comedian Trey Southpark suddenly found himself trapped in his Porsche on Interstate 5 during the massive rainstorms here in Los Angeles. “The panicked funnyman called Scientology Los Angeles and asked us to send Tom Cruise to the rescue,” said Church spokesperson Ken Delusion. “We refused to send Tom Cruise because Trey has made dozens of bigoted remarks about Scientology and falsely called it comedy. We know this because our Office of Special Affairs maintains dossiers on all Jokers and Degraders such as Trey Southpark.” “Scientology ..read more

“Disgusted with with the lack of praise, applause, and acknowledgement due him, David Miscavige resigned his office as COB RTC this morning at 0900 hours local time Hollywood, California,” announced Church spokesman Ken Delusion. “Mr. Miscavige was also completely disgusted by a wog judge declaring him served in a lawsuit. Mr. Miscavige felt the court treated him like a common criminal when he is, in fact, due the respect befitting his status as world’s premiere ecclesiastical leader. “Given all that the world owes Mr. Miscavige and has not paid him, Mr. Miscavige resigned. Whereupon, the C ..read more

COB RTC Mr. David Miscavige officially denied Scientology to the entire world after a wog court declared him served in a lawsuit. “The world will now get to see just how quickly this planet goes to shit without Scientology!” Miscavige declared from under the covers of his heart-shaped bed located in the guestroom of Tom Cruise’s Clearwater condo. “Not even Scientologists will be allowed any auditing,” Miscavige decreed. “The world will have to come crawling on its knees begging me to reopen Scientology. And the wog court will have to apologize to me publicly for its enormous travesty of ju ..read more

US Congressman George Santos said it was actually him who defeated Spacelord Xenu in an epic battle 75 million years ago on the planet Coltus which is 185 billion light years from the nearest Amazon Distribution Center. Santos further claimed that L. Ron Hubbard stole Scientology from him in 1952 and that he is Scientology’s true founder. “I taught L. Ron Hubbard how to lie,” declared Santos. “And Hubbard became one of my most successful students in the art of telling incredibly unbelievable and unconvincing lies. And it is this type of lying that is the essence of Scientology.” Santos said ..read more

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We in RTC wish to point out that this is how Vladimir Putin handles Suppressive Persons. This clearly proves that Scientology is not as bad as Russia. Sure, some people in Scientology die under mysterious circumstances, commit suicide, or disappear but Scientology certainly is not as bad as Russia. And for the record, no Scientologist to the best of our knowledge has ever mysteriously fallen out of a window. Several Scientologists have jumped from tall buildings, and even a bridge, to end cycle, but no acts of defenestration are associated with our religion. We view this as a plus point for S ..read more

Brawny Toilet Paper Lumberjack Finally Gets His Big Break; Appears in Same Ad Space as Tom Cruise. After decades of hard work as the Brawny Toilet Paper Lumberjack, Scientologist Brad Whypingass of Los Angeles finally got his big break when he appeared in the same ad space as Tom Cruise. Whypingass, 37, snagged the part of the Brawny Toilet Paper Lumberjack many years ago. He credits Scientology Study Tech with helping learn his craft as a celebrity pitchman for toilet paper. Brad chuckled about the irony of the Ideal Orgs having no toilet paper when he gets all he wants for free as part of ..read more

Coming to Scientology TV: A new action show featuring the adventures of The E-Meter Squad. Join this tough new crew of Flag-trained sec-checkers each week as they ferret out hidden masturbators, thought criminals, and those harboring evil purposes to destroy Scientology! Wankers are not safe from The E-Meter Squad! Panty-waisted dilettantes are not safe from The E-Meter Squad! No one is safe from from The E-Meter Squad! No one expects The E-Meter Squad ..read more

“Due to the global electronics shortage, we in Scientology are facing a 208-week backorder on repair components for our 21-year-old fleet of Ultra Mark VII e-meters,” said Ricky Rockslammer of Golden Era Electronics. “Due to some SP’s lack of planning and stocking e-meter repair parts in 2002, our Ultra Mark VII fleet is down to only 38 working units globally — and this is all we have left even after scavenging parts off 1,200 non-operable meters!” “Scientology leader Dr. David Miscavige applied the DANGER formula and has ordered all Scientology Orgs to use Ouija Boards in place of the e-me ..read more