I call these experiences our dark teachers. The lessons that hurt, scare, scar, wound, and almost destroy us are very often the things that make us who we are because they require us to muster what we thought we could not muster—courage, compassion, kindness, forgiveness, love, resilience, strength, generosity of spirit, ferocity of heart. The times we feel lost are the times that require us to find our way. The deepest losses often lead us to our most profound gains.  –Cheryl Strayed, from: It’s From Darkness That Everything Grows, Dear Sugar Letter #2. Originally published on Decem ..read more

I noticed this one year ago, when one of our secret sisters posted these words on Valentine's Day:  "Being in the time after he cheated makes me feel unsafe with my heart." I felt those words in my own heart. I felt them when I read her words because I felt them then. I remember well feeling "unsafe." And of course I felt unsafe — I was unsafe. My husband had made clear to me that my heart wasn't safe with him, it hadn't been safe with him. The person I'd trusted most to keep my heart safe had betrayed that trust. But ... maybe that's the problem. The person I'd trusted most. Those were t ..read more

This came to me via Dr. Caroline Madden, who I know (online) and who I think is smart and really gets betrayal. If you're interested, please reach out to Dr. Madden: Focus Group Description: Online Course for Betrayed Wives Are you a strong and resilient woman who has experienced the pain of betrayal within your marriage? Are you looking to regain your sense of self, find clarity, and make decisions that are best for you and your family? Author and marriage therapist, Dr. Caroline Madden is seeking ideal participants for a transformative online course designed specifically for betrayed wives l ..read more

I screenshot this comment many months ago because I was so struck by how this question was framed:  "How we do hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed?" It's the question that's a part of the heart of this site. (I saw a part because I think the larger part of the heart of this site is to provide a safe space for betrayed wives to heal and chart out their next steps.)  There are other sites, of course, that traffic in vitriol, in revenge. There are sites that peddle ..read more

It sometimes feels like we are all forever putting ourselves back together, but I have only ever felt stronger for doing it. It seems to me our griefs are the very things that keep us within the world as active participants in its story, making us more effective and ultimately more joyful, despite, or perhaps because of, our breaking down. ~Nick Cave, The Red Hand Files It has been a very long since I was where so many of you are. Reeling from the discovery of a partner's affair, or lying awake wondering if he's still cheating, or gaming out what life will look like if you stay or if you go ..read more

Our good friend to Betrayed Wives Club (and who created this kickass design and logo) StillStanding gave me some advice recently. I had told her how conflicted I am about this site. I lack the time to give it the attention it (and you! All of you!!) deserve. But I lack the heart to shut it down. And I lack the creative energy at this point to reimagine it — to figure out a new incarnation that continues to give the support and community that it has provided for so long to so many (more than 4 million over about a decade!). She told me, in that wide, thoughtful way she has, that it's okay to so ..read more

Most people haven’t even noticed their strength. They’re so focussed on their pain. ~ Rachel Naomi Remen, author Kitchen Table Wisdom Our household has recently welcomed a family of Ukrainians, fleeing the war. It's a mother and two daughters – the husband and 18-year-old son remain in their country to defend it.  I just returned from walking the youngest to the school bus, where she climbed on with a dozen other kids for the ride to her new elementary school. It's been just nine days since she got off a plane from Poland.  This family is weaving itself into our day-to-day lives. The ..read more

In hindsight, I knew my husband was cheating and I knew with whom before he admitted it to me. I knew before I knew. Of course, there was lots I didn't know. The years of sexual acting out with strangers, for instance. But though I didn't know the details, I felt the disconnection. I knew...something. But because I didn't want to know the truth, I told myself stories to soothe. We were busy with the kids, I told myself. We had growing careers. If he would just deal with his family, things would be better, I told myself (and him). He's a good man, I told myself. He loves me, I told myself.  ..read more

I had never heard of Jen Hatmaker and remain somewhat mystified how she came to my attention but I think it was around the time her marriage was falling apart. I didn't recognize the name but I recognized the story. A couple everyone seemed to love – a public couple – was announcing divorce, shocking those who knew of them. Hatmaker herself issued a statement along the lines of being blindsided, not wanting this, pleading for privacy, and so on. Ah, I thought to myself. He cheated.  And though Hatmaker's language remains somewhat cagey, you, my dear readers, know as well as I do how to re ..read more

We've all heard the analogy of the frog and the boiling water, right? How a frog put into a pot of water that's slowly heated until it's boiling won't jump out because he's only barely aware that the water is getting hotter. It's happening so incrementally. Yet, if a frog is dropped into a pot of boiling water, he'll leap out with a "yikes, no way" (assuming frogs can talk).  How many of our marriages are slowly boiling water? How many of us are oblivious frogs? How many of us stay because it's Just Enough for us?  How many of us, when our husbands stop showing up for us, turn to g ..read more