“How about if we just get really good at practicing extreme imperfection. Could this be the ultimate act of self-care?” Anne Tumlinson, Founder of Daughterhood.org Lord knows I’m imperfect. Like everyone, I’ve made mistakes in my personal and professional life and certainly as a caregiver. Yet, it’s the mistakes as a caregiver that stick with me more than the others. I am reminded of our need to be perfect as caregivers as I recently began helping a friend with her mother, one day a week for several hours. More of a companion than a caregiver, I still find myself worried that I am not doing th ..read more

“Don’t expect to feel good about every decision. Making decisions is like setting boundaries. You have to do it, but it will never feel good.” Anne Tumlinson, Daughterhood.org Making decisions as a caregiver is too often done under pressure while feeling like we don’t have enough information or experience. Certainly, health decisions are the most stressful but financial decisions are a close second. The best way to make these types of decisions is do it as care partners. Even the strongest of teams will have differences in goals and needs. You may want your elder to stop driving while they wan ..read more

“No One Has Caregiving on Their Bucket List” Chris MacLellan, Founder, Whole Care Network Isn’t that the truth? We don’t plan for it. We don’t anticipate the phone call that changes our life. And we sure don’t have it on our bucket list. Yet, it’s one of those statements which binds caregivers together in a beautiful and strangely poignant way. When I introduce this quote to family caregivers, the response is a short, ironic laugh or “isn’t that the truth”. This one quote and our united reaction to it connects us in a way which opens the door to share OUR stories. Too often, the only story we ..read more

“It’s easier to look back at an event and see a better choice or pathway because we already learned from our experience. Hindsight happens after the lessons, so we can’t condemn ourselves for not knowing the lesson before we learned it.” Emily Maroutian. Caregiving is a series of lessons, some of which come at us fast and furiously, like when we are suddenly responsible for medical caregiving tasks. Some lessons come slowly as we learn how to navigate the different stages of our caregiving role. Either way, we beat ourselves up because we did not see warning signs, signs which are always clear ..read more

“Monarch butterflies will not attempt to fly in the rain because the raindrops will damage their wings. They will rest and wait it out. It’s self-preservation. It’s okay to rest during the storms in your life. Take all the time you need. You will fly again once the storm passes.” Sharyn March, Poet, Leave Her Wild. What an amazing and brilliant lesson from mother nature. The constant battering during the storms of caregiving can damage us unless we make time to rest. I say storms because the poet does not differentiate between a steady, gentle rain and a downpour. Truthfully, the continuous re ..read more

THIS is the question caregivers ask themselves all the time. Nothing, and I mean nothing, prepares you for being a caregiver to aging parents or a spouse. You would think parenthood would prepare you. After all, children challenge you with their independence needs, but they don’t have years of living an independent life. Your elder or spouse has a history as a functioning member of society, a history of taking care of themselves and a family, so you can’t just end an argument with “because I said so.” Then there is the healthcare system. For years most families navigate the healthcare system f ..read more

This quote from Tracy Cram Perkins* is one of my favorites from my book, A Relationship Contract for Dementia Caregivers for several reasons. Certainly, one of them is that the person with a memory impairment who has short-term memory loss won’t remember when you told them no. But if “no” is said when our behavior shows our anger and frustration, that is a problem. As I write in my book: “Know that at all stages your care partner will continue to react to how you treat them if not in words, then in behaviors. If guilt or another emotion is making you raise your voice or slam things around, TH ..read more

Have you created yours? When you truly understand that you are the most important person in this caregiving scenario, then creating a care plan for yourself is not a luxury, it is a necessity. It requires self-awareness, intentionality and the willingness to adapt it as you go along. The goal of your care plan is to write down what and WHO adds to your mental, physical and emotional health.  As Denise Brown from The Caregiving Years Training Academy says, “You have a responsibility to yourself to keep a life during caregiving.” You can start by asking these questions: What brought me jo ..read more

The first in a series for dementia family caregivers. Amy Matthews is someone I deeply respect. She is the person I collaborate with on dementia articles for the website. She is the person I went to for guidance on my new book for dementia family caregivers. When I first heard her say, “You are the most important person in this caregiving scenario, not the person living with dementia”, I recoiled like she had told me a nasty secret. An instinctive recoil to what can seem selfish is a reaction you may have as well. And yet, Amy is absolutely right. The problem as I see it is that the healthcare ..read more

I still can’t wrap my head around being able to take a vacation. I have friends in California who cruise to the most amazing places. I am happy to hear about their plans for the next cruise through the Mediterranean or the Panama Canal and how cool it is to visit Antarctica. But I must admit, as happy as I was for them, I was jealous as well. It wasn’t just the amazing places they were visiting, it was that they could pick up and GO. I had an open invitation to join them anytime, but surprise, I always turned them down. For one thing, they plan these trips a year or more in advance. How could ..read more