3 minute read If there was a motto for psychotherapy, it ought to be “Don’t just do something, sit there!” It’s all too common for new therapists to try to jump in and help the client fix their problem. And even though I know I shouldn’t, I sometimes find myself pulled into trying to make my client better. Therapists call this the Righting Reflex. The benefits of resisting this reflex was driven home to me by my client David who, in the midst of therapy, suddenly developed crippling pain. The trivial issues of improving his productivity and getting more exercise were brushed aside by the agon ..read more

3 minute read How close are you really to the people in your life? How much do they know about you? How open are you with your feelings? These aren’t academic questions. The closer you are to other people, the more likely you are to be content, to avoid depression, anxiety, loneliness, anger, jealousy and other psychological issues. Being close to other people is protective for our physical health too: studies show that people with close friends and family live longer. Isolation is deadly. But what does it mean to be ‘close’ to other people? Clients often tell me about their best friends, or ..read more

Four minute read Perhaps never in history has a product been so widely used, and so well hated. Few of us, if we’re looking for a relationship, relish the thought of getting onto a dating app. As we curate our profile and photoshop our picture, we find our hearts sink at the thought of the obstacles that lie in our path. If you’re looking for a long term relationship, dating apps are almost indispensable, but at the same time, frustrating and humiliating. It’s easy to begin to think that there are no good potential partners out there, just people who will use and abuse you. You’ll run into pe ..read more

4 minute read When my client told me his story, I knew we were in for a long and painful course of therapy. His childhood was packed with horror: physical, emotional and sexual abuse, parental conflict, betrayal and bullying. His adulthood was no better: drugs, alcohol, suicidal thoughts, tumultuous romantic relationships and violence. He hated a world that had always hated him. And yet, after a few weeks, he began feeling better. Much better. I asked him what had changed. “I told two of my friends that I was in therapy, and they both admitted that they’d been suffering from anxiety or depres ..read more

Three minute read Many people think they’re lazy. Or that other people are lazy. And most often that their children are lazy. But I’m 61 now, and I’ve never met a lazy person. Sure, there are people whose behavior looks lazy, but if you dig deep enough you’ll find a perfectly reasonable explanation: fear of failure, anxiety, depression, fear of success, declaration of independence or perhaps just a dislike of what needs to be done. (See The Myth of Laziness for more information.) If you, or a friend or loved one is struggling to get things done, here are some ideas that might help. Bite Sized ..read more

3 minute read I’m on a WhatsApp group of therapists, and, every couple of days, a message goes out that looks something like this: “Looking for a therapist who specializes in OCD, self-harm and internet addiction”, or some other combination of problems. And inevitably, a couple of therapists will say “I specialize in that.” It doesn’t seem to matter what the constellation of symptoms, there’s someone who specializes in it. I also get occasional inquires from clients wanting to know if I specialize in eating disorders, or substance abuse, or grief, etc. etc. I admit I’ve been swept along on th ..read more

3 minute read Sometimes I’ll meet people who ask me — as they do in the vocation-obsessed city of Hong Kong — what I do for a living. And sometimes I’ll reply that I practice magic….before admitting that I’m just a psychotherapist. Yet the practice of psychotherapy really does feel like magic sometimes. I’ll sit there with a client, ask them questions about their lives, tell them that I’ve seen lots of people who are equally unhappy get much better, sometimes give them a possibility as to what might be at the root of what’s bothering them and perhaps suggest they think of a different way of t ..read more

3 minute read Hong Kong is in the early stages of a revolution. No, not that kind of revolution. A revolution in the way we think about homosexuality. And leading the revolution are Anson Lo and Edan Lui of Mirror, Hong Kong’s superstar boy band, along with well known actor Kenny Wong. All three star in the Viu TV hit series, Daai Suk Dik Oi, which is based on a Japanese show called Ossan’s Love. Before I talk about this revolution, you need to understand the agony of growing up gay in a conservative society like Hong Kong that considers homosexuality a disgrace to the family and an abominati ..read more

3 minute read When I was doing my counselling internship I once worked with a client that I couldn’t work with. That is to say, he was so distraught that he couldn’t focus enough to answer even simple questions. His thoughts were racing away from him such that his voice couldn’t keep up, and he’d sometimes end up grabbing his head and screaming in frustration. (I always wondered what my supervisor made of the howls coming from my room!) So I sent my client to a psychiatrist who put him on an anti-anxiety drug. It worked like a charm. The next session we were able to talk: he was a university ..read more

4 minute read When a couple first sits down in my office, they issue me an invitation. It’s an invitation to join them in their assessment of the problem, their determination of who’s at fault. It can be very tempting to accept that invitation — but if I do, therapy will be a spectacular failure. John and Melinda The couple sat down at opposite ends of my sofa, and I asked them what made them decide to seek therapy. “The issue”, announced Melinda, shooting a withering look at her spouse seated at the opposite end of the sofa, “is that my husband is a sociopath. He doesn’t care about anyone ex ..read more