My cart loaded with eggs for the food pantry, I made my way to the checkout area where, to my dismay, I found only two flesh and blood cashiers while the rest of my fellow shoppers were using the self-checkout gizmos. I hate those things.  The lines for the humanoid cashiers were long so I decided to be strategic. I shop in this store a lot and know most of the personalities involved. The first cashier was an older woman who, to be charitable, should be on medication and loves to blab without filter about her problems to the customers. The other cashier was a young, efficient beard ..read more

“My chicken tastes weird,” my wife said.  “Could it be the marinade?” I asked.  “No. Taste it and see.” So, I did. The chicken was bad.  Sighing, I looked for waitress, but she was nowhere to be found. Another waitress happened to be walking down the aisle but, when I motioned her over, she gave me a tight smile and sailed on by.   “Hang on honey,” I said. “We’ll get this sorted out.”  We had eaten at this restaurant over a dozen times but, during the past year, I’d noticed a decline in the level of service. I figured the labor shortage afflicting all restaurants ..read more

I was working out in my old college gym with my friend Eliza, surreptitiously glancing at the shapely backside she’d honed from running five miles a day. Hey, I’m only human.  “Want to go for a jog after this?” she said while powering through some bicep curls.  “I’m not much of a runner,” I said. “My knees always give me trouble afterwards. I’m more of a stair climber guy.”   “Oh c’mon. It’ll do you good.”  “Only if you take it easy on me.”  “I’ll go slow.”  Leaving the gym, we walked over to the track behind the dorms and started off with easy trot. “See?” Eliza ..read more

A couple of months back, one of my co-workers stuck her head into my office and said, “There’s a guy downstairs wearing a skull mask walking around videotaping people.”  “What?” I replied.  “He’s scaring the shit out of everyone.”  “Aren’t the police handling this?’  “I don’t know but I’m leaving. I don’t want to be around here if he starts shooting up the place.”  Wondering if this was part of my job description, I went downstairs to find a tall young man dressed in black, wearing a backpack and skull mask covering most of his face, pointing a camera into the clerk’s ..read more

“Daddy,” my daughter said, from the backseat of the car. “Something’s bothering me.”  “What is it, honey?”  “The lady at church said most people go to – can I say a bad word?”  “Go ahead.”  “H-E-L-L.”  “She said most people are going to hell?”  “Yeah, like eighty percent of people. She said life is like a test and, if you fail, that’s where you go.”  “No honey,” I said. “That lady is mistaken. Most people do not go to hell and life is not a test.”  “Are you sure?” Natalie said, fearfully.  “You know your dad studied to be a priest, right?”  “Ye ..read more

It was Mother’s Day and my wife had just finished her celebratory breakfast when our neighbor knocked on our door.  “Sorry to bother you,” he said, studiously oblivious to the fact I was in my bathrobe, “But there’s a big raccoon in your yard.”  “That’s weird,” I said. “You don’t normally see them during the day.”  “I don’t want your dog to run out there and get bit.”  “Thanks.”  After my neighbor left, I went to the dining room window and peered into the backyard. Sure enough, a huge racoon was sunbathing on our lawn. “Did Felix go outside already?” I asked my wife.&n ..read more

“That’ll be two hundred and thirty- five dollars, please,” the clerk said to the man ahead of me.   “You take Amex?” he asked.  “Yes, sir.” Then, after computers ascertained the man’s credit worthiness, the clerk handed him a bag filled with enough candy to put a Cape Buffalo into a diabetic coma.  “Happy Valentine’s Day, sir,” the clerk chirped merrily. “Who’s next?”  “That would be me,” I said.  “What can I get you?”  “Just a small box of candy.”  “What would you like?”  I was in a large candy store in the center of town and, judging from the thro ..read more

“The parking lot is packed,” my wife, said. “It doesn’t look good.”  “I’ll go inside and see,” I said. “You never know.”  “I’ll wait out here.”  Upon entering the restaurant, I went up to the hostess, “I know it’s a longshot.  But do have a table for two?”  The hostess smiled winsomely and ran her finger down the reservation book. Judging from the packed tables I could see from my perch, I figured we were probably out of luck – but that’s what you get when you walk into a popular restaurant on Saturday night without a reservation.  As the hostess’ winsomeness ..read more

“Daddy,” my daughter asked me, yet again, from the backseat of the car, “I want to talk about that thing.”  “It’s called puberty, Natalie,” I said. “You can say the word.”  “It’s a funny word.”  “It’s from a Latin word. They all sound funny. But lots of medical stuff is in Latin.”  “So will they talk about that in school?”  “At some point,” I said. “Probably when you’re a bit older.” “I don’t want the boys to be there.”  “Why not?”  “That stuff’s for girls.”  “Boys go through puberty too. And it’s important they learn how it affects girls too.”  “Wh ..read more

“Daddy,” my daughter asked me from the backseat of the car, “Who do you look like?” “I look like me,” I said.  “No, I mean what famous person do you look like?”  “Mom says I look like Matt Damon.”  “Whose Matt Damon?”  “A famous actor.”  “Do you look like him?”  “I’m much better looking than Matt Damon.” Not true, but I’ve got to keep my self-esteem up somehow. “Who else do you look like?” Natalie said.  “Grandma thinks I look like Nathan Fillion”  “Whose he?”  “An actor on television.”  “Do you think you look like him?”  “No.” I can only ..read more