Music and Dementia: Magical Moments Bring Back Memories Music Soothes the Savage Breast This famous quotation from William Congreve (1670-1629) evidently more truth to it than he ever realized four hundred years ago. “Music hath charms to soothe the savage breast. To soften rocks, or bend the knotted oak.” I don’t share this quote to suggest that people with dementia are savages. Nor do I believe William Congreve was referring to savages when he wrote that poem. I believe it’s a reference to the times in our life when we are angry, worried, or overcome with the type of fear and confusion that ..read more

Caring Takes Courage Often the bravest thing a caregiver can do is face a new day. A day of hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. A day that begins early and continues long into the night. A day where you are not appreciated and often vilified by the one in your care. Even when the person you are devoting your life to is kind and loving, courage is required from both of you. Life has changed dramatically, expectations of the future must be modified or abandoned. Facing inevitable continuing losses can make it hard to continue, yet you do. It takes courage to smile when we are sad ..read more

Caregivers have so much to do, day and night, for weeks at a time. Of course it’s exhausting. It leaves one drained physically and emotionally. This is the hardest, most long lasting, thankless time of one’s life, until it is done. Only after one has had time to recover can one begin to appreciate the special moments of clarity that will reveal why it was a gift you didn’t know you wanted. Laugh or cry at the prospect now, but I believe this to be true. It happened to me. Until then, give yourself a mini break each day by letting go of one thing that can wait until tomorrow. Walk away from th ..read more

Bath Time in Dementia Land Being a dementia caregiver means choosing one’s battles. One that people often struggle with is getting the person in care to shower or bathe. They will refuse day after day, sometimes for weeks. Odor becomes a problem and we become concerned about the effect on their health. Why does someone suddenly avoid feeling clean? There can be many reasons when the dementia brain is involved: Fear of the bathroom. It’s often very white and sounds echo. There are usually mirrors in there. If dementia has taken them back in time and they believe they are in their 40’s, seeing ..read more

Get The Hell Off My Mountain Caregivers find themselves on the receiving end of a great deal of advice. Far too often it comes from someone who is not now, and never has been, a caregiver for someone with a long-term, devastating, brain disease. They don’t live with the unpredictable changes in cognitive ability. They don’t see the aggression and downright spitefulness that some with dementia can manifest at any moment. When they visit, the person in care is on their best behavior. It’s exhausting and short lived and will end as soon as the guests leave. Knowing what we know, living with what ..read more

It’s Too Hard to See Him Like That When family members opt out of helping care for someone it’s not unusual for them to say, “It’s too hard to see him or her like that.” Of course it’s hard. These diseases are brutal, long term, fatal illnesses. Too hard for everyone. What most people don’t understand is that with dementia time travel is real. As short term memory is lost, the past comes alive for person with dementia. Sharing memories of life when they were strong, healthy, and happy is what will ease their days. Share photos, home movies, and stories from your shared time. That is the way t ..read more

Do Not Believe the Things You Tell Yourself We humans, and even more so, caregivers, have a unique ability to find ways to blame ourselves when things go wrong. When this occurs, we doubt our ability to continue. We lose sleep trying to pinpoint what we missed, or what we did or didn’t do that resulted in another setback or a very bad day. Listen to James’s story and his doubts. Then listen to what follows and understand you are not alone in feeling as you do. After that, take a few moments to feel the regret or guilt that you are facing. It would do no good for me to tell you not to feel as ..read more

When friends or family members question you about the care you are providing it is often because they don’t see what you see, or hear what you hear. They are not losing sleep because your loved one is up all night demanding to go to the bathroom every few minutes. They are not there to witness the tantrums caused by confusion and fear in the one needing care. When visitors do come, they pull themselves together, holding on to their dignity as hard as they can. It’s exhausting for them and the result is a meltdown once the guests leave. You live with every part of these dreadful diseases. I su ..read more

As dementia progresses, the caregiver becomes the memory keeper. When they no longer recognize us, we vividly recall who they were before this devastating disease robbed them of so much. There is no denying that seeing a blank stare where a welcoming smile once greeted us is one of the most panful moments we face. But, I’m here to remind you that it is not a moment of failure for either of you. When recognized for what it is, a moment of infinite trust, it can be the beginning of acceptance as you enter Stage Five of the Six Stages of Caregiving. the Transitioning Caregiver. It is in this sta ..read more

Cherish the Moment Dementia is proof that time travel is real. As short term memory is erased the past comes alive in the dementia brain. A seventy year old man relives the time he was strong and ready to take on the world. A woman with Alzheimer’s is once again a young mother holding her baby in her arms. It can be very disconcerting for the caregiver and other family members when this happens. It can be devastating for the person living with dementia if we deny their reality. So what is a caregiver to do? I repeat, Cherish the Moment. Ask him or her how old they are. The answer will give yo ..read more