Hovis’ Paris flags. Dear diary, Well, it’s fair to say none of you saw that coming, did you?! I did tell you I had news – but in fairness, I guess this was NEWS on a scale more epic than my, now recognised, talent. As the details spread like wildfire, I was happy to see so many of you congratulate British Eventing for their smart choice – it’s important that we do that. It takes big people to admit when they have goofed and my new friend, WhatsApp group buddy, CEO and all-round visionary Rosie has stepped up to the plate with admirable skill. I joined her and the team at BE for a strategy sess ..read more

Dear Diary, Where to start with my news? For as long as I can remember, the word “big” has always been used about me; my eyes, my feet, my manly physique, my rugs, my shoes, my vets bills… the size of mother’s arse… But there’s two things that have been bigger than anything else – my heart and the size of my dreams. Since the very first time I surged over a jump and showed that I may have feathers but I can still fly, I have always ascertained that your background, your breeding, your supposed skill level (to be clear here, I do mean mother – my skill level has NEVER been in question) – none ..read more

Dear Diary I have such exciting news to tell you… news which will make all this palaver over who is going to be the boss of the human herd fade into insignificance more swiftly than the winner of The Voice. News which outstrips mother’s supposed recent weight loss (personally I remain unconvinced – the only way she’s lost weight is if her brain cell has fallen out or someone’s reset the bathroom scales to calibrate laden lorries)… and her recent nomination as Woman of the Year at some award ceremony (I’m assuming she was in the all-male group hence the nomination – sort of like when I came se ..read more

Dear diary, Apologies for the lack of missive from me last week, but mother was returning from Do-bruv-nick, which I can only assume is some sort of prison for siblings? How long her and her brother spent in there I don’t know, but it meant I didn’t have a secretary, and as we have discussed, I am not trusted with a laptop on my own… Anyways muchos to catch you up on. I am sadly still waiting for my last minute Team GB call up and frankly, I have to face the tragic reality that once again our sporting teams are choosing to head into battle without the greatest secret weapon they could ever po ..read more

Hovis and Mary King at Belton. Dear diary, I do realise that after all these years, my mother’s ability to disappoint me shouldn’t come as any surprise. I mean, let’s be honest, as a gullible young four-year-old boy, just days off the boat from Ireland, I should have perhaps been a little more strategic in my choices of human but in my defence she can seem quite normal when she tries. It’s only after 18 long, long years together that I now have the level of world-weary cynicism needed to accept her failings. But still, she lets me down like a small prick in a balloon factory. I had high hopes ..read more

Dear diary, After a winter that felt longer than a stay from an unwanted relative, it does appear that spring has finally sprung and who knows, summer, like mother’s weight loss, is apparently on its way… The other week I told you we were now out in the coveted summer fields – although I don’t quite covet mine quite so hard when they are fenced off with bright pink fence posts – enjoying actual grass, as opposed to the odd stem found in a mouthful of mud. This week has then seen another step up the ladder of “summer is here” by us being turned out 24/7. Well, all of us except for the small gi ..read more

Dear diary, Following my diary last week and the overwhelming ground swell of sentiment that I am indeed the greatest overlooked talented in equestrian Olympic history, I have been patiently waiting for THE call. But it hasn’t come. Many of you had talked of the idea of a wild card, but it appears someone prefers the domesticated variety – as I told you all, the level of featherism in the elite levels of equestrianism in this country is beyond compare. If instead of a ginger-in-the-wrong-light wall of muscle, topped with a manly full mane and tail, which make hair dye companies weep, and tail ..read more

Mary King riding Hovis at Belton Horse Trials. Dear diary, So much for spring finding some balls and you know, springing. After a few days of glorious naked romping we have spent much of this week getting absolutely soaked. If more rain had run down my nose, Niagara Falls would have been suing me for copyright infringement. As it is, I’m pretty sure some of the local mice turned up thinking I was a water park; very wet and not very wild… Is it too much to ask for some actual consistency? I mean, I know Mother Nature is a woman and thus, I would have more success asking a snake to grow boobies ..read more

Dear Diary Apologies for the lack of update from me last week but the mothership was in the Currybean – doing what I have no idea but it’s not inconceivable she was playing pirate. Let’s be honest she’s that blind that an eye patch might be a good addition, she’s bird-brained so a parrot would help and she limps more than someone with a wooden leg most days. Anyone who has also seen her the morning after a night out would also suggest the resemblance between her and Jack Sparrow is positively uncanny… Anyways, whilst she was off traumatising tropical islanders with the horrors of her in a swi ..read more

Dear diary, I take everything I have ever, ever said about my mother, which may have been misconstrued by the less intellectually capable as perhaps implying I thought she shared a brain cell with an amoeba on a part-time basis – the woman is a genius. Last week I was less than happy to find I was sharing my field with the ginger whinger. My field is a barren moonscape with zero grass, a sea of mud and about as much nutritional value as a fat fighters polystyrene rice cake. But then the true brain power of my beloved mothership was unleashed because then we flipped the situation. Why should t ..read more