To combat the unsightly side of autumn, the City of Delaware is calling for volunteers to rake leaves at Blue Limestone Park. “Fall leaves are beautiful on trees, but once they hit the ground, they become intolerable filth that must be eradicated at any cost,” said Parks and Recreation Director Ted Miller, demonstrating his point by grinding a fallen leaf under his boot and spitting on it in disgust. “Due to budget cuts, we couldn’t tackle Blue Limestone’s leaves ourselves this year, so we’re enlisting residents to help keep Delaware beautiful.” The City has scheduled the leaf-gathering effort ..read more

A hammered drunk man wielding a machete is wandering around downtown Delaware. “My advice? Keep calm and carry on,” said Police Chief Adam Moore, confirming reports. The man’s routine of clanging the machete against light poles while screaming, “All of you motherfuckers are fucking dead!” has become as commonplace as the occasional loud motorcycle roaring through the streets. Shops are still open, restaurants are still serving, and people are going about their day – though perhaps more alert. Some people have seen a bloody dog’s head peeking from the man’s bag. It’s unclear whether there’s a w ..read more

Ah, a question as old as time. Let us explore this query. Picture a dead rat as a city. Not the prettiest image, sure, but it’s all part of the explanation. In this city, among various microscopic inhabitants, there are these tiny creatures we’re calling “midgets,” just to paint a picture of their size. Now, these midgets have their own bodies and, yes, their own anuses. The peculiar part is that in this scenario, the midget’s anus is a big deal. It’s the unsung hero of the microcosm, the talk of the town, if you will. It’s like that awkward moment when a rather unimpressive item suddenly beco ..read more

The Delaware Public Health District has asked residents not to copulate on the mattress behind Kroger on Route 23. Their announcement read: “There is a mattress behind Kroger on Route 23. Please do not have sex on it. “ Sincerely, Your Friends at the Delaware Public Health District “I understand the urge to have sex on dank mattresses stained with bodily fluids and inexplicably dumped in secluded places, but we must not act on those urges, ” said Health Commissioner Garrett Guillozet. “It’s unsanitary and rude.” The post Health Dept: Please Don’t Copulate on Mattress Behind Kroger appeared ..read more

The notorious ‘can opener’ bridge lived up to its name this morning as it was used to open an enormous can of Campbell’s Tomato Soup. Mayor Carolyn Riggle and city officials responded to the perplexing scene at the low-clearance bridge on West Central Avenue. “We’ve seen a lot of trucks hit this bridge, but we never thought we’d see it open an actual can,” Riggle said in a statement at the scene. “The irony is not lost on us.” Delaware Police Chief Adam Moore disclosed that preliminary investigations indicate that the mammoth soup can was dragged and deposited under the bridge between 9-10 am ..read more

The saga of the missing red ruffed lemur from Delaware County has taken a troubling turn. Iris, the two-year-old pet lemur who disappeared two weeks ago, is reportedly wreaking havoc in Union County after consuming a large quantity of cocaine and crystal methamphetamine. The region is known for a significant presence of cartel-operated warehouses, leading to an abundant supply of both substances. As a result, it has earned the area an unsavory reputation among locals, with Union County often dubbed “Using County” and “Daddy Go Crazy Land.” A resident of Marysville, Joan Jorgenson, witnessed th ..read more

A Delaware man is resting today after spending the evening feverishly masturbating into a bucket in his backyard.  Joe Tugger of the Northwest Neighborhood said he was tired of masturbating in a typical fashion and started ejaculating into a bucket to heighten the thrill.   “A man can only take so much before he has to return to nature and stroke his dick. We all have a little pervert inside of us, begging to cum with reckless abandon. There’s something titillating about walking into my backyard butt naked, gripping my penis with both hands and stroking it off until I splooge in ..read more

The Franklin County DUI Task Force will conduct sobriety checkpoints in an unlikely place this weekend: the facilities of a fellow law enforcement agency, the Columbus Police Department.   “St. Patrick’s Day is one of the worst for drinking and driving,” said Franklin County Sheriff Dallas Baldwin. “Our mission is to keep the community safe, and one of the best ways to do that is to keep Columbus police officers off the streets. They’re some of the drunkest leprechauns in town.”  The announcement comes after three Columbus Division of Police officers were each arrested within fo ..read more

The Columbus Police Department has unveiled a special edition Martin Luther King Jr.-themed police cruiser in honor of Black History Month. Originally named “History 1,” the car has been renamed “AFRICA 1” after critics accused the department of being tone-deaf. Chief Elaine Bryant said they were receptive to feedback and hope the new video strikes a better tone. “We heard you. We messed up; now we’re trying again,” Bryant said. “I believe our new Black History Month cruiser reveal video does a better job of building a bridge to the black community. I hope they will forgive us.” Watch the new ..read more

Video obtained by Delaware Ohio News shows Antifa protesters disrupting an international symposium held at Ohio Wesleyan University in Delaware, Ohio, on Saturday afternoon, performing a strange interpretive dance in front of a packed audience and bewildered panelists. The protest appears to be related to Black Lives Matter and the recent killing of Tyre Nichols at the hands of police officers in Memphis, TN. Students and professors associated with the theater and political science departments at Ohio Wesleyan distributed the video on social media. A protester chants: Stop killing black peopl ..read more