VOLTAGE, OR—In what can only be described as “shocking” news, the FDA recently approved a novel implantable cardioverter-defibrillator that not only senses dangerous arrhythmias but also doubles as a Covid-19-prevention device. Indeed, this new AICD has been specially programmed to deliver shocks to the heart every time a user touches his face. “Humans touch their faces constantly, and that’s one way for harmful germs, like the coronavirus, to get into our eyes, noses, and mouths. I’ve been telling people they must stop doing this for months, but no one listens,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci disapp ..read more

ALLAS, TX—A major principle of medical ethics is that of autonomy, which states that patients should be highly involved in decisions regarding their health care. In an effort to better comply with this essential principle, the American Heart Association (AHA) has recently recommended that, whenever possible, patients should “run their own codes.” In the past, ethicists believed that simply allowing patients to choose whether they wished to be resuscitated or not (DNR vs Full Code) was enough to satisfy the principle of autonomy. “It’s now crystal clear,” said medical ethicist, Ed Thickle, “th ..read more

Toronto, ON – In a world first, Dr. Chipper has carried out what we’re cautiously calling a successful open reduction and internal fixation (ORIF) of the aorta. The patient, 58-year-old Joe Paulson was booked for an elective hip replacement on December 21, 2019. As Dr. Chipper was reviewing Joe’s films, he spotted a strikingly displaced and angulated bone; later identified as a severely calcified aorta, on Joe’s pre-op chest films. Concluding that anatomical function would be severely limited in this awkward position, Dr. Chipper snuck in a quick aortic ORIF while the anesthesiologist was fid ..read more

Pyongyang, North Korea – Reports have been coming out that North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s health is in grave danger after a cardiac procedure. Allegedly, the anus-free Dictator allegedly had a cardiac procedure last week likely related to his BMI of 47 being higher than his presumed age of 37, the dreaded “Rosie O’Donnell” sign. There are rumors that Kim John-un may in fact already be brain-dead, something many in the west have believed for years. Since taking over after his father, Kim Jong-Il’s death in 2011, Kim Jong-un has led the reclusive socialist nation to being one of the ..read more

In a move that has rocked the healthcare industry, cutting edge health system Donta Care has enlisted the help of clowns in their emergency rooms and cardiac catheterization units to reduce door to balloon times. “As the saying goes,” CEO Em Aye proudly announced in his press conference, “time is muscle. We were really struggling to meet our cardiac quality metrics. But I was at my niece’s 8-year-old birthday party, and Fluffy the Clown was creating all sorts of marvelous balloon animals- and not just the usual sword and dog. I’m talking planes, flowers, and butterflies. Suddenly I had an epi ..read more

ST. PAUL, MN – In response to patient feedback on how to make their medical devices even better, Shmedtronic is slated to release a new combined implantable cardioverter-defibrillator (ICD), permanent pacemaker (PPM), and WiFi hotspot in February. Shmedtronic told Gomerblog that the new device was specifically designed based on feedback from over several thousand patient surveys, where the number one most requested improvement was having wireless networking capabilities. “The older ICD-PPM model probably saved my life on a couple of occasions,” wrote one anonymous patient in one of the Shmedt ..read more

Thank you very much for this very interesting consult for clearance for cardiac catheterization in this lovely man who is unfortunately having a myocardial infarction and needs some contrast dye. Even if his estimated GFR has been reported as > 60 ml/min, who knows what the real GFR is, right? So it was very important to get renal involved. First of all, I have to say you guys need to come up with a better way to diagnose MIs- come on man its 2019 and you’re still using that “dye” to look at the heart- can’t you use like Co2 or something? Or just guess from the EKG where the stent should g ..read more

Washington (DC). Research published today revealed that many of our politicians may be essentially dead, or close to dead. The study used data mining to evaluate heart rate profile of Washington senators and representatives while Congress was in session. Data were obtained via Apple Watch and similar devices. “Many of members did not have a heart beat at all,” said Dr. Geetha Flak, who led the study. The result came to a surprise to the investigators. “We had suspected that many members of Congress are emotionally underdeveloped,” said Dr Flak, “but the fact that they do not have a heartbeat ..read more

SANTA FE, MN – For guests who want to experience the ultimate in relaxation, the spa at the Inn of the Four Extremities is offering a 55-minute carotid sinus massage. It is the first spa in the United States to do so. “We’re very proud of this new addition to the spa menu,” explained Grace Vargas, one of the spa’s massage therapists. “The results are universal: every single guest reaches levels of relaxation never before reached. In fact, we can barely wake them all up.” According to the spa’s website, the traditional carotid sinus massage uses arnica oil, herbal packs, deep pressure, and flu ..read more

NASHVILLE, TN – A patient has undergone successful prophylactic cardiac resection at Nashville Medical Center today in a “very proactive effort” to mitigate any future chance of developing cardiovascular disease, Gomerblog reports.  Cardiac resection is rarely performed in living patients due to its main complications death and fatality. “The patient weighed the pros and cons of keeping his heart versus having it removed, it was an informed procedure for sure,” said cardiothoracic surgeon Donna Howser, who performed the operation earlier today.  “I think he surprised us all with how ..read more