I feel for the child who’s told bad things about a parent either for revenge or just to “win” more time with their child. That poor child will grow up knowing they are half of each parent. If one half is deemed bad, then what does that child do with that part of themselves representing that parent? In such a situation, I can only hope the parent who is badmouthed, doesn’t do the same thinking it evens the score. If they do, then the child may internalize both halves are bad, leaving them at risk of loathing themselves. If aware of this dynamic, don’t look to settle the score. Instead just empa ..read more

In my training as a family therapist in the 1980s, we used to have a team of colleagues observing our therapy sessions from behind a one-way mirror. The sessions would also be videotaped. Beside the therapist was a phone that served as a direct line to the people behind the mirror. At any point during the session anyone could call the therapist as they were meeting with the family. Calĺs would direct the therapist, particularly if the therapist missed something that should be addressed. The therapist could be given remarkably direct instructions on what to say, how to say it and even about bod ..read more

On a daily or weekly basis how many alcoholic beverages do you consume? He answered that he was a social drinker. So I asked how many times a week do you socialize and when you do, how many beverages do you have? He said he gets together with friends maybe four or five times a week. Mostly in the garage. Mostly with neighbors. He said he might have four or five beers. Sometimes a drink of rye. Are those regular beers or tall boys? Tall boys. That rye, how many fingers high in the glass? Three or four. I did the math. Four tall boys was about five standard alcoholic beverages. Three fingers of ..read more

Trigger warning. This post discusses violence against women. ——- I asked directly if there had ever been hitting between his parents. He spoke of how his dad was violent with his mother. When I asked if it ever stopped, he said it did, at least for a while. I asked how. He described a violent and chaotic scene. Dad was on a tirade, mother screaming. He knew she was going to get it again. He worried that this time it would be worse. He got a bat and took on his father. Adrenaline was pumping. He never struck his dad, but his intensity and mid adolescent size was enough for his dad to back down ..read more

I know, the world feels precarious to many these days. That precariousness is heightened by those who would seek to deny science, instead relying on leaders who spew their own brand of information. They appeal to those financially disenfranchised, those whose anger is ready to be fueled. It works. Sadly. There is no arguing with many of these folks. They are locked into nonsensical perspectives unable to see the fallacies of their logic. I remember a logical fallacy I held deeply as a young person. I thought the whole world was Jewish. Considering I grew up the first 11 years of my in the Jewi ..read more

There’s a concept known as over-accommodating. That is when the parent seeks to be supportive of a child expressing some sort of difficulty and does so in a way that is disproportionate to the need or in a way that lessens or dials back their expectation. As such, the parent is seeking to be helpful, not at all realizing that their response to the child’s issue is actually enabling it. This can occur with the child hurts themself minimally, expresses a fear (anxiety), or simply a dislike. In these instances, there is nothing truly tragic or unsafe or unreasonable, but the child carries on as i ..read more

Admittedly, I am a workaholic. My dad was a workaholic. My brothers are workaholics. I love what I do. I love meeting and working with people. I love writing. I love presenting. I love what I do. Years ago, working from home, our son came to my office to grab some time with me. I blew him off. It wasn’t long after I felt the heat of Arlene’s gaze at my back. I dared to turn. She let me know I blew off our son. I found him. We spent some time together. He was energized. I went back to work. I wasn’t going to live this down though. I needed to dial it back. It was hard for me to remain mindful ..read more

In the 70s I was interested in photography. My parents let me make a darkroom out of the basement washroom. I wanted to try taking pictures in various places. On one occasion I approached a surgeon, friend of our neighbor, to see if I could photograph a surgery. It happened! I observed and photographed a lumpectomy; removal of a bullet; and hernia repair. This took place at Branson Hospital in North York. I also learned I wasn’t cut out to be a surgeon, pardon the pun. On another occasion I asked a traffic reporter pilot if I could join her in the helicopter for a morning traffic report. That ..read more

When developing a parenting plan with a coparent who either may not show up or return the kids when they should, set it up so they must pick the kids up at the start of their time and that you retrieve them for your time. Always have a contingency plan for when the coparent is a no show. Make it clear you will only wait an hour before invoking your own plans, no longer waiting. Don’t argue about this, but be clear and well documented. Keep a log of the coparent’s arrival times and any missed pick-ups. Do not assume responsibility for their misses or transportation. Do not compensate by having ..read more

Difficult conversations. They’re necessary. They require transparency and authenticity. Those difficult conversations can allow people into your thinking, your concerns. Those difficult conversations can help others make sense of their experience with you and their questioning of the moods that may surround them. Difficult conversations may require preparation, not necessarily of the other, but of oneself. Difficult conversations requires a capacity to own issues and resist defensiveness while still having boundaries for things not necessarily appropriate to get into. Although often scary, tho ..read more